My name is Amanda and I am a college graduate with my bachelor's degree in English. I’ve loved writing for as long as I can remember. From creating short fictional stories, to my very own memoir and poetry book.
There is something about the cool air of Autumn That brings me sadness Especially when I am alone with my thoughts I’m sure if I thought longer and harder about it
I call myself a hugger Yet, touch scares me Because of how much I crave it I fear losing the people I connect with I feel sometimes that I am too much
I’ve been told that I need a backup plan Is it because my dreams are too big? Is it because you don’t believe in me? I read a quote once that said- “if your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.”
Body Dysmorphic Disorder
I’ve never been able to see quite right How I look My own physical body Has never been perceived correctly “You have body dysmorphic disorder”
Hundreds of times have I taken a blade to my skin Pushed down hard Learning that quick movements make them deeper But slow inflicts more pain
My long hair to hide my face or sometimes the tears falling I cut it short, then buzzed half of it off to make a point That I was not afraid of or under the control of him anymore
'What Does It Feel Like?'
I was once asked what it feels like to suffer from the mental illnesses I have Actually, it was an online application for the opportunity to share my story
Vibes “Send good vibes” “Good vibes only” “Vibe with me” All words I’ve put together All words I’ve posted to my social media accounts
7 Weeks in Treatment
I realize I did quite a poor job at actually explaining what being in treatment was like; if you read my post from February 26, 2018 then you got a glace at what my first day in treatment was like. My entire stay lasted 7 weeks, although I did get trial days at school as my discharge date got closer.
Eating Disorder Treatment Day 1 (Round 1)
Despite how very sick I was, and how awfully fuzzy and clouded my mind was, I can remember the morning I was admitted to treatment for the first time like it just happened this morning. It was April 1, 2012; I woke up early (several hours before departure) to shower, blow dry my hair, straighten it to perfection, get dressed, and put on my make-up. I had packed up a variety of clothing options for me to choose from for the weeks ahead of me as well as a blanket, art supplies, school books/notebooks, and toiletries. I was on auto-pilot, and no emotions were coming to the surface, that is until I bent down to pet my dog, Biscuit, "good-bye." Just typing that sentence out brings tears to my eyes, just as it did on that day. As I felt the tears forming in my always blood-shot eyes, I quickly stood back up and exited the house. Crying, according to the eating disorder in my head, was a sign of weakness so therefore it was not allowed in front of other people.
Will You Make It out Alive?
Food is the enemy Staying busy is the remedy Stop for too long and you'll start to feel Hunger will fade after a little while of going without
I remember the first time I made myself throw up like it just happened today I had eaten a single chewy Jolly Rancher A blue one, because that’s the best flavor