Red Flags: Therapist Edition

Ah, yes. The lovely world of therapy and therapists.

It's really hard trying to find a good therapist. One that matches you and your needs in order to heal and grow. I have tons of material on how to find a good therapist, and yet I am still hesitant because I keep ending up with ones that are really not right for me.

Maybe it's the atmosphere, or maybe it's my algorithm - but I've been noticing a trend recently across the internet that involves numerous codes of ethics being violated by what seems like a large number of therapists. I almost feel like I am watching Mads Mikklesons interpretation of Hannibal again with some of the stories I've heard. Except less murderous and cannibalistic.

In reality, it's probably a really small amount of therapists that have violated the codes. We just never know if they got caught, or if the issue went unreported - unless it somehow made mainstream news headlines. Or, if like me, you live in a small town where bad gas travels fast. Either way, it skews the statistics.

Of course. I don't think I've seen an open conversation about this topic from a patient view. So today I would like to converse about the red flags that basically tell you to run, not walk away from your therapist.

So sit back, relax, and hand me your cups. Because this tea is steeping.

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Adding a trigger warning here, as many sensitive topics are going to be discussed. Some topics referenced are abuse of confidence and power, abuse, sexual assault and predatory behaviour. I am writing from personal experience, so some things might be candid - please bear with me.

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Tip #1: Do your research on your therapist of choice, but do not tell them that you're doing research on them.

Red Flag: When you catch them in lies.

The scummy ones that live at the bottom of the barrel - Actually, no. That's too nice, and too much credit. The really scummy, pervy shitbags live underneath the barrel. With the slugs, decaying grass and other nasty, gross, not-niceness. They're gross and should be avoided at all costs.

Asking their names and credentials causes these scumbags to lie about everything. How do I know? Because I've done it!

I believe in transparency, and so upon entering this fuckwits office - I had mentioned that I was a budding psychology student, and was curious about the institutions he had been trained and licensed through. I had been considering becoming a psychology major, and thus was curious about the process. Plus, I wanted to know if he had been trained in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy because I'd thought it'd be beneficial not only to my personal life but to get a well-rounded idea for my studies.

He gave his name, and the institutions - though he mumbled it. Like the studious dumbass I was (I always say that any creature with any sort of intelligence is also incredibly stupid - horses are good examples), plopped the name and institution into Google. Nothing came up. At the time, I thought this was a good thing. I thought I had maybe got the institution wrong and would ask him at the next session.

But I was overwhelmingly wrong. He avoided the question the next session. Also interestingly avoided any questions about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Hmm.

This fucker. This fucker not only gave me a fake name, but he gave me a fake institution. I found out from a friend, who was also was his client, his real name weeks down the road - when I started having other issues that are a huge part of the reasons why I'm writing this article.

This is roughly when I found out that this man used to be a school counsellor and got fired for being inappropriate with teenagers.

Tip #2: Just because they're specialized in something, doesn't mean they actually are.

Red Flag: When they advertise they're specialized in one thing, but when in session - it's clear as day - they're not. If something feels off, ask for a second opinion.

Upon talking about credentials, there needs to be a discussion on how a therapist can be specialized in something, but be absolutely wrong for you and your situation. I know this one is a little confusing. However - this one is incredibly important to remember.

2021 was an utter shit show for me. I don't even know how I made it, but - my mental health clinician had recommended a program for me. Within no time at all, I had started seeing a new therapist. She seemed sweet and nice enough, had glowing reviews - among her credentials, she was listed as a trauma specialist. I was excited that I could finally work out some of the things that happened to me.

Except for a woman that is supposed to be specialized in trauma - Susan didn't know shit about the cycle of abuse. How did I know this? Because even though I was being abused on a daily basis, she still had the audacity to ask me if a specific situation had been "resolved" two sessions into me even admitting it happened - which was a fuckton of courage by the way. I was still processing it for myself. We never even broached my medical trauma, which is what I went in there originally for. I still hear her voice in my head going, "Well. It doesn't really sound like you want to leave, now does it?"

Bitch. Bitch. That is exactly what you DON'T say to surviors of abuse. How did you get your credentials?!

Now the therapist that I have dubbed Susan for this article for anonymity purposes, lives on as a mockery in my head on who not to fucking hire in the future. A cartoon caricature of her dances around in an obviously false voice and Grandma garb going "Abuse?? What's that?? Oh, you're trapped in trauma bonds? Pfft - those don't exist. Birds aren't real. Here, do this timeline of your life of every single traumatic event that has ever happened to you, but don't be upset about it! Okay?! Oh, you didn't finish it because you had a panic attack? lmao!! Well it's not important anyway so lmaooooooooooooo"

She was not the right person for me. At all. I don't know how she is the right therapist for anyone, and people I've told this story to don't understand either. I think I could've got more support out of a pet rock than I ever could've got from her. At least according to the witch communities, the rocks have magical healing qualities. That right there is more than I could ever say for Susan. There is no way in hell that I'd ever call that woman a trauma specialist, ever.

I don't know how I made it here into 2022, but it sure as shit wasn't because of Susan.

Tip #3: If your therapist flirts with you during your session, don't walk - RUN!

Red Flag: Preying on paitents in a vulnerable way is NEVER okay. This is an abuse of power. This is an abuse of confidence. This is a predator preying on someone vulnerable.

This one makes me sad because you hear about it so much. Reddit has stories of spouses running off with their therapists, among other heartbreaking stories. I feel like I shouldn't even cover it, but it's important.

Predators lay in wait everywhere, and unfortunately - I was still under the care of the creepy therapist from before who lied about everything.

In a sense, it's fucking hilarious because he knew I was studying psychology. He knew I was covering the code of ethics, and knew that I had been in counselling for years learning about cycles of abuse. Yet, this man dropped every red flag he could. Honestly at that point, we might as well have changed My Chemical Romances song to "Welcome to the Red Flag Parade."

It started small. A compliment here, a too long of a gaze there. I was awkward and nervous, honestly scared to talk about sex and dating, because I was still a virgin at that point. But there we were, talking about it. Something I noticed when I was still a wielder of the virginity card, is that comes with a very specific and awful type of predator if they sniff it out. This therapist was no exception. I was in distress over something a family member did, and there the final red flag dropped.

"You can come to stay with me, but you can't tell anyone. You also can't bring your animals."

After he was cooing about my virginity, how being pure was a good attribute. I'm paraphrasing, but...

Fucking. Barf. That is pure and classic abuse. Alienate the victim so they can take advantage of them. So they're easier to manipulate. I cut all ties and services with him that day. He still called me to try and book appointments.

Later on down the road, found out that he pulled the same shit with a bunch of his clients. He would talk about all sorts of sexual deviances. One of these people he talked about it with just so happened to be a sixteen-year-old girl. Not sure what happened to him after that, just know that it wasn't pretty and he's no longer in the region.

He is downright disgusting.

Any therapist that takes advantage of their clients vulnerabilities like that, is disgusting. I paid him to be a therapist, and essentially paid him to make me incredibly uncomfortable.

Tip #4: Trust your gut. Use your discernment. If the connection doesn't feel right, walk away.

Red Flag: If you feel uncomfortable at all with your therapist, or they're causing you additional distress in your life.

Personality conflicts happen; they're unavoidable.

However - trust your gut. How do you feel talking to your therapist? How do you feel when you leave the session? How do you feel about going to see your therapist? Do you enjoy your sessions with them? Do you actually feel like you're getting better with them?

If the answer is no, that's perfectly okay. It's okay to fire them. It's okay to ask for a referral to another therapist more suited to your needs or seek out other avenues. You don't have to see them if you don't want to. Sometimes it takes time to get better, but if you don't feel like you're going anywhere after giving it an honest try - it's okay to find another therapist.

Not every therapy situation is going to be easy, especially as you unpack the heavy things that weigh on your soul. But make sure you have someone you trust, and feel like you can openly communicate with. Someone you actually like, and feel comfortable with.

I glossed over the Susan situation a little, but I will say that the day I never went back to her office is the day she completely invalidated me. I lost my trust in her completely, and honestly - I hadn't been suicidal in years, until that day. Every session after the first few, I left feeling awful.

It's not okay if you're leaving your sessions consitently worse off than when you went in. It's definitely not okay if you're leaving your sessions in a state of suicidal thoughts or ideation.

Conclusion

Remember, at the end of the day - you're paying your therapist. They work for you. You do not have to be at the mercy of anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable, emotionally blackmails you, or just makes you feel awful in general. For some of you, it'll take some courage - and that's okay. Work at your own pace, and your own time. Just know that you are loved, and worthy of good things. You are worthy of being treated well, and you are worthy of feeling safe in a professional environment.

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If you or a loved one is feeling unsafe, please call the hotlines available in your country, province, territory or state. It's a bad phase right now, and sometimes - it's easier to sit in the dark when there is someone sitting there with you. The hotline is for people like us to use in times of crisis, and I know it'll be hard - but you're worth it. I know I struggle with contacting the hotlines, too. I wish you all well, and I hope you know that I do care.

Canada Suicide Hotline - 833-456-4566