She/Her. I try and write from the heart as often as I can.
Life With Dogs: The Stockpile
Sweetpea has spent her morning trying to stockpile a horde of food and treats. Sweetpea (a.k.a Sweetiepea, Pea, Pea Soup, Sweetie, Mama Dog, etc) is my thirteen-year-old chihuahua. She's a sassy, stubborn little dog that everyone seems to love and adore. Most of my friends who "hate" little dogs, always end up liking her. Most say it's because she's adorable, cute, tiny. I say it's because she has mastered the art of manipulation, and uses her cuteness to her advantage.
I Want To Belong To Someone.
Sure, I'd love to have that vanilla life again. I catch myself thinking about holding hands with someone while we go for a stroll, or even while just running menial errands. The soft, steady assurance that they'll always be there. When I'm caught in the undertow of my emotions, they hold me close. They tell me that things will work out. that I will be okay. I fantasize about laying next to each other in bed, tracing my finger along the curves and ridges of their body - finding all of their soft, sensitive little spots that make them twitch, and complain about being softly tickled.
Life After Trauma
I'm not entirely sure why I woke up this way. It's a gross feeling. I feel my muscles tense from my neck down to my shoulders. My stomach felt off. I assumed it was from the $3.00 Big-Mac I scored last night. Still, I felt trapped in my bed. Sometimes I felt my bed was a prison, but at least it was a comfy, stylistic prison. I began to wonder if I had an alarming dream I couldn't remember, or maybe if something last night triggered me into this state.
Were You Actually My Friend?
I thought for a while, that I was finally safe. Most of you only saw the aftermath of the wreckage. My heart, body, confidence and soul shattered and splintered. You saw the girl desperately trying to keep herself together with scotch tape when she needed something that'd bond it all back together with something stronger than gorilla glue. You tried, but - this was something I needed to fix on my own.
Steadfast & True
I feel like I have a giant, gaping hole in my chest. I thought would fix itself over time. But it feels like it's been ripped out of my chest, squeezed until every drop of blood left its cavities and then dropped on the floor. My chest feels hollow and dark.
The first time I was friend-zoned was bittersweet. I fell in love with a friend who was about thirteen years older than me at one point in my life. I was in my early twenties, and just really, really lost in life. All the while, I just longed to be loved by someone, anyone. My bar was so low. Anyone could've walked in whispering a word or two to me and I would've melted into a puddle at their every word.
Thank You For Letting Me Go.
"I'll use you as a warning sign , that if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind." - I Found, Amber Run. When I fall in love, I fall hard and steadfast. I love being in love, and I loved him. It was amazing that someone had finally loved me back, almost a dream come true for me. I hadn't experienced love before, or what I thought was love. I gave everything I had to him, so desperate for love and affection. Starved for touch, and just a bit of basic human decency.
Red Flags: Therapist Edition
Ah, yes. The lovely world of therapy and therapists. It's really hard trying to find a good therapist. One that matches you and your needs in order to heal and grow. I have tons of material on how to find a good therapist, and yet I am still hesitant because I keep ending up with ones that are really not right for me.
A Moth to Flame
It’s a tragic thing, the life of a moth. Long ago they were creatures flittering around in the night, using the radient moonbeams as a beacon for their navigational systems. Sometimes these creatures would be attracted to the crackling lights of a fire, hence the phrase “like a moth drawn into the flame.” Once the invention of the lightbulb was created, these creatures got more and more confused with where they were supposed to be. Attracted to things that were never meant for them. Dying in places that they never should've been.