Thank You For Letting Me Go.

"I'll use you as a warning sign , that if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind." - I Found, Amber Run.

When I fall in love, I fall hard and steadfast. I love being in love, and I loved him. It was amazing that someone had finally loved me back, almost a dream come true for me. I hadn't experienced love before, or what I thought was love. I gave everything I had to him, so desperate for love and affection. Starved for touch, and just a bit of basic human decency.

I started ignoring all of the warning signs, and all of the little red flags he dropped. Nibbling at the breadcrumb trail he left. I started ignoring my friends advice and warnings, even when they begged me to stop lighting myself on fire just to keep him warm. I didn't think he was capable of the things they were accusing him of, and I felt my heart fracture and crack. I didn't want to have to choose. I loved him, even along the jagged edges that threatened to shred me to ribbons.

What my friends didn't understand was the nature of my history. When you've walked through a Carnival of Souls most of your life, the red flags just look like flags. Like they're supposed to be there as some sort of ornamental decoration. I didn't know they were warning signs.

I spent that time laying my life, my love, and more of who I was out on the line. I sacrificed my body, my mind, my love - every aspect of myself. I saw he was thirsting for something I couldn't quite quench. I still poured from my cup even though I had nothing left to give. With every hurt, disappointment, cruel intention or word that he threw my way - I found it in my heart to forgive, or at least hide the pain.

I didn't think that two years later, that I'd be using the memory of him as my gauge on how not to be treated. I didn't think I'd be using the memories of him to align myself with the things in life I truly do want, but could never have with him. I mourn things that I don't think he'd ever fully understand.

My friends watched in dismay as I deteriorated over time. Pleading me to stop. To leave him. To do something other than stay trapped where I was. I didn't know what to do. I loved my friends, but I lost them because I was constantly drawn into his flame, and I didn't care if I was burning up in the process. They couldn't bear to watch anymore.

I burnt myself up to a charred crisp, and when I reached out for him - he wasn't there. It shouldn't have been surprising, because he never was. Not an ounce of the love, support, or care to be found or reciprocated. My emotional reserves had been left empty and dry while the heat of the sun scorched on. I was left for dead long before I even knew it.

Even broken, bleeding and wounded - I still found it in my heart to love him.

He left me when I needed someone most. I wasn't surprised. Everyone around me called it. I just felt stupid because I had always hoped that one day he'd see me. One day, he'd choose me. One day, he'd remember that he loved me. One day he'd treat me better. One day he'd help. One day, one day, one day, one day -

But he doesn't, won't - and never did. Because if he wanted to, he would have. I may not have been perfect in the relationship. Honestly, I don't know anyone who is. I do know that I've missed the boy who took me for a walk down by the lake. I begged for a glimpse of that person again. The one who was kind, gentle. The one who loved me, and I loved him.

But he loved someone else before he even left me.

I realize that everything he did was all an illusion now. It was never love. That the very foundation we had built on was more lies and flaws than I care to admit.

Shitty way to learn the lessons, but that's life. Nothing I can do about it.

So I thank him for breaking my heart like the bastard he is, because I never would've fucking left if he didn't. I thank him for leaving at the worst time he possibly could've, because now I'm stronger than ever. I thank him for letting me go, because I wouldn't have cut the deadweight out otherwise.

I'm just left with memories that are tainted with the truth, and that's way better than living a lie.