The Love Of A Horse

I still remember the day he came home. It feels simultaneously so long ago, and yet - feels almost like yesterday. 10 years felt like it passed in the blink of an eye. 

It was a sunny day at one of the horse auctions here in beautiful Northern B.C, in the spring of 2012. It was warm, unusually warm for April, and full of hustle and bustle. The employees were busy, and the crowd was teeming with mixed emotions. Some, like myself, were excited to find their next equine friend, project, or just a buddy. Some were there for more solemn reasons. Auction Days are kind of a nightmare when you're a highly sensitive person, because you're picking up on the emotions of everyone and everything in the Auction House. 

Albeit exhausted, I stuck around. I elected to opt-out of watching the tack sale and take a gander into the sale pens - looking for my next horse. I wasn't experienced enough to start a colt at the time, so while some of the run-throughs were adorable, downright gorgeous - I wasn't interested. After a few bad wrecks at the hands of dishonest people - I needed a horse that would take care of me. 

I remember spotting the line-up of about 5 horses in the same pen, tacked up and ready to be rode through. Originally, a horse named "Captain" caught my eye. But I noticed the horse next to him. He was a gleaming copper in colour, his mane only a few shades lighter - but also shimmering in the sunlight. Shiny like a brand new penny. He had a big white blaze on his face, and probably one of the softest eyes I've ever encountered. He sported a tack set that was a downright gorgeous shade of red leather adorned with silver star conchos. He had one white sock, and and good feet. 

I placed my hand on his head, and something deep within me knew that he was coming home. He softened under my touch, and I think he knew, too. 

I didn't know the massive impact he'd have on my life.

Meeting Tex is how I learned that if it's meant to be, the universe will move heaven and hell for it to be so. 

Tex was my main man and my best friend from there on. We were both pretty busted up when he came home, but that didn't stop us from bonding. To be honest, I never met a horse more robotic at first. The minute he saw me, he'd tense up and look forward while I approached. It was an adjustment for both of us, and learning who the other one was. But over time - I reminded him that he didn't need to be the perfect horse and work all his life. He could just be Tex. His personality flourished, and I loved that Goober that came to be. As evident by the album I have on Facebook of him sticking his tongue out in nearly every picture I have of him. 

When we both started feeling better, we went on numerous adventures. He was the first horse I ever had a lesson on. We've ridden down to the river a few times, with friends. I still remember how all the other horses spooked and ran off, but even though he wanted to - he didn't. Because I was injured, too. We continued walking forward while everyone else was in disarray. 

He's been around me through some of the inky, dark, blackest nights of my soul. He has been my main rock all these years. Through breakups, illness, injury - everything. 

I miss him so much it hurts. I feel like that a huge part of me left with him. 

It's not easy, losing your best friend and rock. Watching them wither as the curse of time takes hold. Watching their once robust bodies become more thing and skeletal, no matter what you've been doing. Watching them have bad days and just knowing that the day was coming soon. 

As much as I knew the time he was coming home, and felt that so deep down in my soul… I also felt that when it was his time to go. 

I didn't want to believe it. Even now, it's super hard to imagine life without him and he's been gone since Christmas. I feel lost. Every time I see a big Quarter horse with Socks and a Blaze I start crying, and my heart hurts so much. Even sometimes when my Mare looks at me a certain way, all I can see is him. 

I miss the softness of this fur, and twining my fingers through his mane. I miss his soft nickers every time he saw me. The little noises he made eating his grain. How whenever we saw a moose out in the field, he couldn't decide if he wanted to run or chase it. I miss how the sun bounced off his coat and made him all shiny. How in the winter he'd poof out like a stuffed animal on cold days. 

How whenever Ember pulled her typical shenanigans, he'd always tell on her. He'd point his nose in her direction, and be upset that he wasn't out of the fence too. 

I miss his hugs, too. He'd rest his head on my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around his thick neck. That's the one I miss the most, especially on the hard days. How one hug from him could cure all the evils in the world. 

I miss him so much. The good days, the bad…

I wish I could have it all back. 

Been hard to even look at photos of him now without my heart feeling like it's breaking into tiny pieces. I'm so glad for the photos and videos I do have. That I recorded his flute-like whiny, his soft nicker - everything.

I wish I could hug him just one last time. Had I known the last time would've been the last, I would've hugged him a little tighter. Told him I loved him. Twine my fingers in his mane once more. 

But I can't. 

So I sit here alone, in the dark, with my grief. 

He was just a horse to some, but he was everything to me.