New and improved

Looking back is always a good lesson as long as we continue moving forward and achieving our goals and dreams. When I was little I went through growth and changes that brought me from wanting to be a Teacher to a Mommy, and then to an Insurance Broker. I have wanted to own a crystal store, read cards, make jewelry, write. Every passion I have is creating and I am looking to find a way to make this my path. My journey. Seems I've always been insterested in office work, selling something, ringing up customers, helping people. Customer Service is a very hard job and often completely unappreciated.

The hours are usually long and you get through them sitting which is hard on the body. Your mind is always going, solving problems for people, helping with issues of all kinds. Humans are not kind. When they see that they have an issue or problem they feel out of sorts. Their world is imploding in their mind because humans brains are meant to keep us safe. We are thrown into fight or flight with any changes that our brains feel may harm us. So when everything in our worlds is looking like it's blowing up we tend to lash out at others, projecting our own fears and issues so that we don't have to take responsibility for our lives, actions, mistakes, and lessons. We just project it onto someone else, making it their problem in our minds and releasing any consequences that we may see as being put on us. We blame the outside world for every mistake we make, we blame others for the reason of our actions good or bad. This is who we are as humans.

Customer Service. I don't like the first word but the second is me. Service. My entire life has been service to others. Not in a good way but in a people pleasing toxic way. Never standing up for myself or keeping boundaries to protect myself. Always letting others tell me who I am, what I should be doing, and how I should be doing it. People pleasing. Because of this, I live in Anxiety. Panic attacks. Being triggered to the point of tears. Living in fear and walking on eggshells in my own home. It is pulling me to learn to stand stronger, to say no if it doesn't make me happy. Not worry about other peoples feelings, because God knows nobody is worried about mine.

The customers at work don't care how I am feeling as they tell me I'm incompetant because I don't have time to get to them that day, or because their bank isn't letting a charge go through, or because they can't afford their bill. My job to help them. Serve them and make their day better. Often times I get home and the only thing I want is silence. Peace.

I want to live a life of truth. My truth. I want to do kind deeds, take walks in nature, sit on beaches and walk in forests. I want to live calmly learning new skills and building a future I don't want to run from. I want to be home where I love most, and be able to make a good living with enough for my family and for me to do kind deeds for others. My intention is always to make people smile.

My childhood, I always thought was normal or pretty good compared to others. I grew up with my parents and my three brothers in a nice suburb that was mostly mid class or higher class humans. I don't know how we ended up in that neighborhood because we weren't middle class we were poor. Somehow I still always had what I needed, thought that because I had the materialistic things that I had everything. It wasn't until half a century along (just recently actually) that I realized that emotionally and mentally my childhood sucked. It was never as good as I had thought it was when I was the old me. Looking back now I see I wasn't raised in a loving home. Sure my parents loved me. They however didn't love each other. They never were affectionate, they didn't use kind words to each other or about each other, and while my Dad never really said anything unkind about my Mom, my Mom had all kinds of unkind things to say about my Dad. He had issues, She had issues, they were not our issues but we were made to choose. If we stuck up for Dad we got in trouble if we stuck up for Mom she used it against him somehow. We all paid including both of them.

My Dad is gone now, along with my Step Mom but at least I got to see them loving each other. I know people can love one another. I unfortunately never learned how to love, how to live my truth. I didn't even know what that meant most of my life. I went through my life with goals and dreams, making plans, taking steps, and seemed that life always shot me down. Seemingly? Or was it me giving up on myself? Living in fight or flight afraid to live my truth, afraid to be happy for myself or make any happiness for myself. I grew up learning to please others. Being scolded if I did what made me happy and not what I was told to do to make others happy. I was raised that I believe what others tell me even if my intuition tells me different. I learned quite young to not tell anyone my point of view, my thoughts, worries, fears, or even the things that make me happy. It would just get used to hurt me, to abuse me, to punish me. Remaining silent kept me safe for most of my life. It isn't working anymore.

I am just as worthy as others to feel. I am just as worthy of breathing as you or the next person. I am capable of learning and doing things just like everyone else. I am worthy of being loved and giving love. I am a sovereign being that has the right to think and feel how I do, an indiviual unique to all other. Not better or worse, just unique. My brain doesn't see things the same that yours does. My way of thinking isn't the only way. There are billions of people and billions of minds and ways of thinking and doing and none of them are wrong just because they are different. We were all raised differently. We were all loved differently. We all have our own lessons to learn and traumas to heal. What works for me and my anxiety and life may not work for someone elses. What works for someone else may not work for me. Life is not Black and white its a million shades of rainbow. I can listen to what works for someone else. I can apply it to my life and see if it works for me as well, but I don't have to use it if I don't feel it works for me. I'm not you and you aren't me.

I have been working solely on me for years now. Since I was kicked so far down into the dark that I thought there was no way out. There was a way out though. The way out started inside me. My soul telling my mind that I was needed. That I couldn't give up yet because it wasn't time for me to give up. I still had stuff to do for myself. My mind fighting me still to this day but every day making more sense and relenting to the truth of not being in danger. I can go for a walk without danger. I can speak without danger. I can breath without danger. I can live without Danger. I can eat the taco and smell the flowers and it doesn't make me less of a human. I am still worthy.

I can create and live, love and laugh. I can live my passion and speak my truth and be who I know I am. I am worthy of receiving and giving love. I am worthy of truth and honesty and compassion. I am capable of being what ever makes me happy. I am kind and loving. I am beautiful and funny. I am giving and nurturing and thoughtful. I am generous. I am what I say, not what the world wants me to believe.

I forget that it is not my job to hold the worlds expectations and feelings about me on my shoulders. What others think about me is not my problem and the fact others are even thinking about me is a whole other issue. Humans don't ask themselves why they are so involved in others lives because the only reason we judge others and insert ourselves into their lives is so we don't have to take responsibility for our own. I know because I too am guilty of this exact thing. I am learning and growing though and don't feel like I have the right to judge others. I haven't walked in their shoes and I don't have to live their life. I am trying not to be the person that talks about another, but instead be the one that says I'm imperfect but I'm doing this to heal and move up from that. I am not the person I was last year, or even last month, heck I'm not the person I was yesterday. That's the beauty of life, if we don't like what we are doing or how our life is going then we can create a new life. We can completely change our lives just by manifesting new ones.

I have restarted my life twice already, in fight or flight mode, always waiting for the other foot to fall and the punishment to begin. It's kept me alive and standing but my heart is encased in stone so thick I sometimes wonder if even I can find it again? The walls are high and although I long to let someone in, I don't want to seek the one to knock. I want them to seek me. Want me. Need me. Long for me. I want them to look at me and see the Universe. I want to know that I don't have to be in fight or flight. I want to know I'm safe to tackle the wall. The one who finally tries will have their work cut out for them after all ive been through. Trust is not something I do anymore. I'm always questioning your motives and wondering if you are ever going to give anything back and keep your word like a man, or if you will continue to ignore, project, stay idle in your own life and take it out on us. The pattern repeats no matter the face on the human. Until I learn the lesson and say "No!!" "You may not talk to me like you do. You may not disrespect me the way you do. You will adhere to my boundaries or you know where to leave."

In my space I choose safety to heal. Peace, quiet for my ever going mind. I'm learning to meditate, to control the always turning wheels inside my head that are always wondering how, what, where, why, when? The outside world while so large, shrinks down to almost nothing when you take the materialistic side out of the equation. If I could get a good garden growing, I could stay in my home for probably months without it ever bothering me. People say they would get bored, or they would go crazy. I guess it would depend on what you did to fill the time.

Gardening, creating, serving, listening, loving. All things that bring great joy to me. Every word listed meaning more to me than my current career. I work because in this world we have to work to survive, only I don't want to survive, I want to live. I was meant to live. Born to live. It's why we are here. To find ourselves and learn to love and live in peace and harmony. Spirits living a human experience.

My idea of happiness is having enough to be free in all the areas of life. Enough abundance in wealth, health, spirit, love, hope, and Peace. Abundance so that my cup runneth over allowing me to help others cups runneth over, rippling out to the collective and changing lives and bringing light and love. I am receiving abundance in all aspects of my life and I'm forever grateful for all my efforts in rising higher and putting good into the world to start accepting good into my life as Karma comes back around. I have just scratched the surface of my wounds to heal, I have risen so much already. I don't anger as quickly although tears still come with little effort. I don't judge as harshly unless it's judgement of myself. I don't throw tantrums and blame others although I try to see it and understand it when I do trigger.

Yesterday I thought I knew who I was. I hadn't a clue. Only what I had been told I was so many times I had believed it. Now, the person that is rising asks why I am who I am. Why I think certain ways, or act in certain ways. What happened to cause that reaction? What can I do to feel that and move past it and heal it and let it go? Where can I find the wisdom in the lesson being presented? Everything is either a lesson we are learning or a lesson we are teaching. I hope that soon I can be teaching the lessons for a change instead of learning the lessons. I'm bone tired.

Today I awoke a different person than I was yesterday, full of hope for a better day, for a miracle to present in my life. Full of hope and excitement and gratitude. What I did get to enjoy was the blue blue sky, the sun on my face, the hot water of a shower, the packaging of a present for the grandson that I've just put off for way to long. paying a bill and writing this. Writing is one of the main things that make me happy. I'm supposed to be an Author. Just have to take the step and let go of the fear. We'll see what tomorrow brings but today has brought peace and creativity back for a minute and I'm grateful also for that. Thank you Tomorrow I'll awaken a new version of me and I'll have goals and ambitions of a brighter tomorrow I am creating for me now. Unapoligetically with no f&%@s given.