House of healing

Several years ago I had just started a relationship with someone that I had loved pretty much my entire lifetime. I had been through several other relationships and knew I had been damaged, hurt, cast aside, not treated how I deserved. I thought I had healed. I thought I was happy, until I wasn't.

The first couple years were great, we were in sync, we were happy, we tried to put who we were in that moment away and be what we wanted to be. It didn't work. Old patterns and traumas took over. We fought, a lot. My heart was broken and I didn't take responsibilty for any of it. In my own eyes I was perfect. Never had done anything to deserve the things that people always did to me. Maybe I didn't deserve it, but I certainly wasn't perfect in my thinking. I got therapy. I got help to find out why I wanted to die, how I could get the thoughts out of my head. I had been fighting it for so long and blaming others that I didn't know how else to think.

The first therapist just agreed with anything and everything I said. "Yes it was valid for me to want to be dead if that's how I was being treated." . "Yes everyone was so mean and I needed to get away from them" He was no help. He made me feel better for a bit. Justified in my thinking and told that it was legitemate. He made me feel validated in being better than everyone else and not doing anything wrong.

It wasn't helping though. I would come home feeling better for a minute then sink right back into depression and the same patterns of thinking that had gotten me here. I knew nothing about past traumas hurting us and forming our opinions and I knew nothing about rewiring my brain. I was to learn though.

The fighting got to the point that I had slit my wrist while he smiled and left to go see his girlfriend. The pretending was over. I knew I had lost him and was more than lost to myself. I kicked him out and after that I don't really remember anything but months of darkness.

I checked myself into a mental hospital and they wouldn't take me either. They told me they would help me. They explained what had been done to my mind and how to fix it. They told me I was strong, and that I was an empath. They opened doors for me I didn't know existed.

I started to heal. I had to admit that I wasn't perfect. I had to understand that even though these traumas had happened, I did't have to believe they were true. I didn't have to hate myself, I could instead love myself. I didn't have to treat myself badly, I could love myself and treat myself the way I wanted to be treated. It wasn't selfish, it was in fact necessary.

I went to a 12 week Intense outpaitiend program with group therapy every other day for 3 hours. The first day was spent crying, a lot. Being embarrassed and ashamed and not wanting to go back. Then I had a breakthrough. They had us play with toys in a tub of sand. We were to pick toys and build or make whatever in our individual tubs of sand. Then we had to explain why we chose the toys we chose and what it meant to us.

I chose a castle and people and trees and flowers and I made a beautful garden with the house in the corner and all the people outside the house, with myself inside looking down on everyone else.

When asked why I was inside and everyone else was outside, I said "because they don't want me breathing by them, I'll make them miserable and ruin their good time" When asked how I knew that, if someone had told me that, I said "No, that's just how it is. I always ruin everyone's good time."

In my heart I honestly felt this way. That no matter who I was with, or what we were doing I was ruining things for everyone else. Nobody had ever told me I was ruining things for them. Nobody had actually ever said, "Hey go away we don't want you around".. that was all trauma talking. That was a lifetime of trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be instead of just being who I am. I slowly started to see that it didn't matter if I wasn't what others wanted me to be, it only mattered what I wanted me to be.

I had been told I wasn't good enough by every trauma I had faced, and every reaction I had was that of "okay if you say I'm not good enough I must not be, I'm sorry. " The most important question I was ever asked is, "are you good enough for yourself?"

Yes I was. I began my healing journey. I grew up at the ripe old age of half a century. It took losing my kids, losing myself and losing months of my life that when I look back on I only see myself as a broken shell, living life in the darkness. I began to break free. I may not remember much about those months but I remember I could finally smile at me.

I could love my laugh that others hated, I could love spending time with myself when others were busy or other wise preoccupied. It was okay to want to be alone. It was okay to love myself. It was okay to have my own thoughts, ideas, and it was okay for me to share them with the world. It was okay to not always agree with everyone else. It was okay to let people go if they weren't treating me how I treated me.

It took time. My home had many visitors that came and finally went when their time had gone. It was hard some days and great other days and most of the time I was proud that I was me. Getting through everything on my own, nobody to lean on so I leaned on me. It was what I needed because now I know I only need me. I am all that matters in my head and when I am at peace there, I am at peace everywhere.

I no longer see my flaws as someone else's fault. I face them and ask questions and try to understand what led me here and how I can change my reactions to find a new path this time the lesson is served. When my life is going how I don't want, when I find that the frequency isn't what I'm striving for I meditate, try and let go, try and heal. I rewire my brain and don't let it linger on the days I want to disappear. I cry it out then let it go and try to stay present with the things I'm grateful for.

Now instead of blaming others when they make me angry or sad, I ask myself why I am triggered by what they have said or done. We all see a different prospective on everything. That is why we are here. The universe is experiencing itself through a billion different perspectives all at once. What a wild ride. We have been made to believe that what we see is all there is and that is so not the truth. Our world is full of magic and what it is now is the timeline we as the collective have made.

So now we have gone full circle. One Karmic cycle. I am reliving the old except that we are not together technically. I am healing. We are healing. My home has become a place of shelter. A place of peace that attracts the wounded and makes them want to stay forever. I eventually have to nudge them on their way. The wounded come and try to hurt me, try to leave their traumas for me to clean up as I used to , but now days the "trash takes itself out" meaning the negative doesn't find a home and eventually leaves on it's own.

Took me years to see this. Years of trying to go back to blaming others. No. It ends here. I will take responsibility for myself and my own healing and I will leave a safe spot for others to come and do their own healing. My home is a place a peace, love and unity and a safe spot for people to be themselves and heal. I don't tolerate the blaming, though it still happens inside my mind when I'm not looking. It takes time to heal. It takes vigilance to heal. It takes a lot of acceptance to heal.

For now I hold space for you, you hold space for me. We will grow and learn together what it means to love ourselves with our flaws and with our heads held high, knowing that no matter what lessons were thrown our way we mastered the class and earned our stripes.

When I say to you "I love you" I mean that I love you in everything that you are. Everything that you want to be, and I am here for anything you need to move forward with your life and growth. I am here to love you for the changes you are making that move you forward and propel you to a stronger more spiritual you.

We are all made of love. We were told to do one thing. "Love one another." We are learning quickly that if we just open our eyes and pay attention there is a whole world of magic and at the center of it all is unity and love. It is after all the only thing that matters. We are one. When we hurt another we hurt ourselves. When we learn to love ourselves, forgive ourselves and focus on the gratitude we have, we learn to love others and forgive them and focus on the gratitude of what is around us. It all begins with what we find inside.

When you focus on the negative, you attract the negative. When you focus on the positive, you attract more positive. Open your heart and calm the mind. Have faith that whatever is meant for you will come in it's own divine time. We all are magical. We all are worthy of life in all its abundance and glory. We are learning now faster than ever before.

Focus on the love. Focus on the unity. Focus on the freedom. Focus on Gratitude for a world that is rising higher with or without us. It is time. We learn to love each other as one or we learn to die as one. It's our choice to make and make it we all will, whether we want to or not. It is time.