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The darkness it subsides

The fight within

By Lee NaylorPublished 3 years ago 8 min read
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The darkness that created me lived here for so a long time. Hiding in the shadows of my mind. I didn't know it lingered, didn't even know it was there. Fighting myself in side not knowing what had happened or when I let myself get there.

The times I heard my faults repeated in my head and settled there. Finding truth to egg me on. Even illusions in the dark cannot long be forgotten. The times that I was told and reminded throughout the day, I received the message clearly I'm not worth the time of day.

The phone calls in the day. Voicemails and text messages to tell me who I am and when I don't believe and try to fight back you push it in make me believe I'll never amount to anything. You tell me I should die, you tell me I'm not worthy of my breath.

The words they say just ignore but the meanings they dig deep. Every thing I do to try and make it better comes back like ice slapping me in the face. Each day another blow never doing it right.

I listened then and cried it out and wished for something more. I thought I was blowing it off and knowing more. The days they went by you called me names and let me I could never do it right.

You always looked for something more. Wouldn't walk next to me and never had the time of day. Didn't want me with you but always said it was me acting this way. Telling me that no matter what I'd never be able to be more.

Lying and cheating and doing exactly what you accused me of as I sat at home fighting with darkness that permeated my head. I sat and cried the tears that felt like they were made of blood. I told myself that wasn't me, I was worthy of peace and love.

The darkness it did egg me on reminding me I was not even fit for you. Taunting all the faults even I knew that I had. Stretching them out and making them bigger than really they were. I believed them one by one and started to agree as the darkness became more than I could bear.

I fought it for years and years the desire to die growing stronger day by day. Then finally you left and alone in peace I began to heal. When I accounted another and felt in the way, I'd apologize for being alive. One person looked at me with sympathy and said "you have every right" and I began to heal.

I thought the darkness was gone, the sun coming out to shine. I even smiled now and then. Along came another with stars in their eyes promising they could love me. Telling me all the things I really wanted to hear. Each and every one another lie.

I tried to keep the sun shining but found the nights were long and full of darkness. The darkness it loves to stay and it made home again inside my head. Telling me I should have known that I could never do it right. Why would someone love me? I would just never be worthy. The fight began again. I tried again to fight it but found it harder with him. I loved. I felt like nothing mattered and I prayed that God would take me home.

Every day that found me waking and opening my eyes I cried. The tears of knowing one more day that would keep me here hurting in the painful darkness. Being told how awful that I was, how much I'd never matter. I tried to get your love, begged for your attention and in my pain I died inside and decided on my own to end it all.

You laughed as the blade of the scissors sliced across my wrist and blood cascaded down. You walked away without a worry to see the one you said you loved. You left my child to tend to my wound and made me see. Finally see me.

I cried. I wiped my tears and found only fog and darkness in my vision. I must have went to work and fed my children. The fog so thick it blinded my eyes and choked the life from me. I went into the darkness and decided I might stay there. Yet somewhere deep in side there was a light so small and it's distant little echo said "No dear one, you have a purpose here."

Finding myself alone being dropped off at the hospital. I told the Dr. what my head told me and how I could't hold on anymore. She told me that I could. She told me that I would. She said I wouldn't hurt myself again but that I was in the place to end the pain.

The exes they did harm me without laying out a hand. They damaged my brain and made it believe that dieing was the plan. I knew it wasn't right and fought for long, long years. Now here I was wanting help and that was all I need. You don't get to be right. You don't get to tell me who I am.

They say that words don't harm us. I know that is a lie. I've lived through all the words, all the names that they could call me. I've lived through the darkness and the fog and the shattering of soul. I've had my heart so broken that the shards are still not there. I've done it all alone. Crawling through the ashes of the lillusions I was place in. A phoenix I was rising through the ashes of the burnt out shell of who I used to be.

You can't make me. You can't tell me that I can't, because I know that I can. I won't let you for another day harm the light inside me as I nurture my own soul. I deserve the world that spins right beneath my feet. I am always worthy, loved and in the universes embrace.

I graduated out of class and went home to use my skills. I pushed the darkness out one day at a time and let the light shine in. I sewed up all the pieces and started gluing back the shards of that still beating heart. I found that kindness wins the day no matter our situation. You wouldn't look at me smiling and know the path that I've been down.

You wouldn't find me here and shining if I wasn't strong as diamonds. You wouldn't find me loving if I wasn't meant for something new. You didn't see the worth in me that my soul told me was worthy to survive.

You see my dear I have a purpose here and I'm worthy to shine. My heart keeps beating wildly, my mind still sometimes forgets, but then I stand up like a warrior breathing long and deep from right inside. The light shining so much brighter with each breath that I take in.

I'm here world and my life was stolen from me. I lived each day inside my head fighting to stay alive. I'm here world and you can finally see me. I'm strong and bold and so worthy of the fight I gave. I'm here world and I may be starting late to live but I'm bright as any shining star and I'm worthy of it all. I will never fall again because my wings are strong.

I deserve the light I hold inside, I deserve the magic that is near. I am worthy of love, peace and so much more. They say the words don't hurt us. I say bring the punches because they heal far faster than every word that cuts right through us.

I was always worthy and didn't need to feel the fear. I conquered all you gave to me and lined the pathway that led me here. Some day when you think about me, you'll wonder how I'm here. You'll want to know if you still hold the space I held so dear.

My heart will always love you no matter how many shards you trod upon, but the light has seen that while you deserve what you deserve I deserve so much more than you could ever give. If you peeked inside the peices of the shards that you still hold, you'd see that you never even saw the greatness that was me or gave me even just a glimpse of what I deserved.

One day you'll have to see inside your heart. Your soul will show the darkness that you keep there. How will you ever understand the pain you dealt out so eloquently. How will you ever understand that Karma it keeps coming. You live the lesson over til you learn the truth and accept your part in all the darkness.

Hold tight to who you are. Don't succomb to all the evil. Find the light that we all have and let it shine. I may never know what made you, the person that you are. I may never understand that kind of person but I can rise from all the ashes alone, and stronger than I've ever been. I can love my smile in the mirror, my laugh and the kindness that I don't fear. I can love again and again and let others do the same. I deserve. I am worthy. I'll never know that same darkness, shadowing my door. But you my friend are standing on the brink of your own time.

Nobody gets to live a life of destroying one by one and moving on in blissful peace for someday the darkness catches us all and makes us see.

coping
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