My Battle With Recovery After Eating Disorders: Part Two

The second part of my journey.

You can read the first part here:

I am getting used to food.

Some days I am fine, and on those days I can eat what I love without the guilty feelings that creep up, but on others,

I am not so great at managing my thoughts when it comes to food.

People who don't understand eating disorders tend to think that once a person has recovered, that is it; they never have to worry about their weight again.

Battling an eating disorder isn't just about battling weight. It's about battling all those self-loathing feelings that become your most hated friend too.

Today, one of my cravings kicked in.

Doughnuts.

I do like doughnuts, but I hate them at the same time. It's the sugar I worry about, and the fat content.

I worry that eating them will make me look like the hateful, evil, person that I believed I used to be when I was being abused, and going through a severe mental health breakdown in which I was in the deepest thrall of eating disorders.

I know I am not living in that horrible past now, but sometimes my mind likes to remind me of it. When that happens, images run through my mind like a video recorder constantly playing in my head.

I'm not talking about the actual images where I was abused, although they do come back sometimes. It's the images of the extremely thin me, binge eating, not eating, over-exercising, and vomiting. Images of me crying in the mirror thinking I am too fat, too thin, ugly, worthless, and lack of identity from the past, that somehow make their way into my mind in the present.

Today, I couldn't resist them. I tried, but I really wanted a doughnut, so I had one.

I am pregnant, and not having one would have been more damaging than having one.

The positive side is that it didn't force me to vomit like in the past. I am over that.

However; the negative side was that just one doughnut had me checking whether I had put on weight, got spots, or damaged my figure in the mirror; then I felt guilty about it for hours afterward.

I almost reverted when I went to the toilet. It took a lot of determination and willpower not to. It didn't stop after I managed to deter myself; I was tempted to exercise and just burn everything, right down to the last imaginary piece of fat that had formed in my mind.

I didn't though. I knew it would not do me any good, and that if I did; I would cause more problems.

Right now, I have to stay healthy.

I am not in the thrall of a full-blown eating disorder. I guess that recovery can still leave you with traits.

It's these traits that I struggle with every day.

Even wellness doesn't mean 100% healthy.

In my personal experience, we will always have some shadows from the past that haunt us, even in good health. It can feel like a never-ending battle to stay well after an eating disorder.

It's like our bodies and minds form lifelong bad habits from the past that stay with us.

The question is;

Can I remain positive, and push these horrible thoughts away in order to continue rebuilding my healthy life?

I guess the only way to find out is to keep trying and journaling so that I can see how I am progressing.

I have always believed in positive thinking.

Maybe this is what I need right now.