More is always better

I didn't expect to see him here, Outside smoking. I'm rocking a nicotine patch. I was joking, I mean I did quit but who feels like joking now? I saw his scowl and raised him a furrowed brow. I hope he remembers how we used to read Shakespeare and we barely understood it but it gave us a voice or a language. I don't read anymore but if I did We would be reading it tonight for sure. I keep thinking about how the timing feels false. Some days are faster than my fucking pulse and others go so slow like this morning felt like a month ago. There was a time when I thought that we were going to always be together. It was the three of us against the world. We were happy. I am having a hard time letting that go.

There's this building I pass on the subway to work it's on the L. It's covered in graffiti, these 15-year-olds are so fucking prolific. I'm commuting, I'm drinking my goddamn coffee. While they are painting their Sistine Chapel whatever. It's like they know their odds. If you are gonna die young you better live like gods. I remember thinking that we would never die at the same age. I'm not doing anything, I'm not helping or cleaning I'm not even crying. I'm not doing anything. She'd be so goddamn helpful but fuck her for dying. She was such a good daughter and a wonderful friend. I wasn't. She would have known what to do. She always has. She was good like that. I never thought that there would be a moment when she wasn't in my life. Sometimes I wonder what she would look like now. I still visualize her walk and her smile and know her mannerisms so well. I dream sometimes of her walking towards me and it feels so real. I wake up and just want to go back to sleep, to see her again, Talk to her. She was just here.

i'm not writing her eulogy. I won't write that down. Nothing ever ends poetically. It just ends and we turn it into poetry. All that blood was never beautiful, it was just red. They would scrawl her name on a city wall but I'm the fucking clown. I'm making jokes so I don't drown. I feel like I'm underwater Like the whole world is underwater these days. I didn't expect to see him here, I guess thanks for coming. I thought he'd oppose the use of religious rights as numbing. I mean it's dumb but what if she could hear them pray? What do we know? Who are we to say? If there was any way that she could hear us. I would do it. I would do anything to see her again. She's permanently stuck at 19. I kind of feel stuck at 19 too sometimes. I never thought that I would have to do this without her but I was forced to. When I was losing my mind, New York felt like it was not going to stop. She was the only one who knew how to slow it down. I'd give anything to hear her say it one more time. Nothing happened in the way I wanted. Every room in that place is haunted. I don't think that there is anything left there. All of the best years are left behind. I don't know how to survive there are no written guidelines. How to go back, show up and unpack. I don't know how to take a breath with out her here.