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I Am Gone

I wish it counted for anything at all.

By Nat Published 3 months ago 3 min read
I Am Gone
Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash

I finally got some color back. Jess thinks so too but she laughs like you. I wish being in love was enough. You wouldn't believe how everybody looked at me like I was someone I was supposed to be. Like I was someone that they knew. You wouldn't believe the stupid things these people care about but who am I to judge without a doubt? The one whose judging should be you. You always said you loved Nick. you said he was your favorite. Ever since we were 15 that was always what you'd say. You hated my choices of boyfriends and a lot of other things. Am I allowed to live my life? My footloose days of running fast and free. How can I enjoy my reckless young adult life when my family is always much crazier than me? When they tell you that they are sure this trick will save them, but they say that every time and every time they just get stranger. I know I heard those lies before, I see it in their eyes before when we sat at that pathetic dinner table. Knowing I would leave if only I were able. Can you blame me for taking that call and daring to run away?

Gone is the sad little girl from New York. Full of pimples bad choices and regret. She's hanging up her braces, suspenders, and heart and going as far as she can. Tell that awkward klutzy duck from New York Swan is what she is doing from now on. To you, she may be dear but watch her disappear. You think that she's right but she is gone.

Gone is that little mouse upon the prairie who learned life doesn't tell you what it brings. She's folded up her history. her frustration and her doubt. Love is nice but it's time for other things. Tell that bumpkin from the apartment on the corner transformation is what life is all about. To you, she may be dear, but don't you think it's clear? to know that she has earned her ticket out. If she were here she'd finally get to breathe, she'd finally get some rest. she'd finally have some fun. She wouldn't be the first here with a suitcase full of dreams, maybe she would be the first with none. Having no plans really changes how you think.

Okay, that was dramatic but you know what I'm saying and don't you think it's all a little bleak? Gone is the sweet and tired girl from New York. No one knows I have nothing left to lose. Having nothing left to Lose changes you. I'm straightening out my love life my Doc martins and my past. to walk in someone else fabulous shoes. I got myself out of there, but I hate myself every day. Then I was all alone just how I wanted it to be. Tell that lonely girl from New York that knew names for all the stars she wished upon.

Tell her I forgive her, Tell her that I free her. Tell her that I love her but I just don't want to be her. How do you still see her when it's gone? If I don't recognize myself does that mean I did it right? I really hope I did it right. I really do not want to be that girl anymore. I've been so unhappy for years, because of my environment or because of the choices I made. I am not going to stay in a place that does awful things for my mental health with people who don't care about me.

panic attacksptsdhumanityfamilydepressioncopinganxietyaddiction

About the Creator



writing about adoption, mental health, and relationships.

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