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A Letter to My Soulmate.

How's heaven?

By Nat Published 3 months ago 3 min read
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A Letter to My Soulmate.
Photo by Ian Taylor on Unsplash

I am not the person I was ten years ago and I don't think I will ever be her again. It's been a rough decade. If one thing went differently would I still feel this way. I'm trying to become the person I was back then, I just don't know how. I had so many reasons to run away. I thought it was the best possible thing I could do. I was in such a bad places after losing you that I couldn't stand to me in the same city let alone the same state that you died in. Ever since your death I do not remember what I used to fight for.

The day of my graduation, I left and have n0t been back since. I thought that leaving was the best thing possible. When you were here you would have stopped me from spinning out of control. I just didn't think that I would have been able to walk by that building and be okay. I don't know how your mother does it. You couldn't wait to get out and I always thought that I wouldn't be the one to make it out. I made it out and I guess you are still stuck there in a way. I still wake up in the morning and have things to tell you. Before leaving I saw your face in everyone. All I knew how to do was make coffee and pretend that I was okay. I miss you today. I miss you everyday but today feels a whole lot worse. I have a hard time living in the present these days. I'm always back there stuck frozen on that street corner.

When I first wake up in the morning for a second, It almost feels like you are still here but then I remember you are really gone and I feel sick to my stomach.It sounds strange but I think I inherited your anger. I think I am starting to understand you. After everything you witnessed you were still one of the most loving people I have ever met. Of course you were going to be angry when people espescially people who can not stick up for themselves are being taken advantage of. You were always trying to protect someone. It didn't matter if they were one of the mean kids you still protected them. You were one of the best humans I have ever met. Right after the accident I remember being frozen in the ICU waiting room. I honestly do not think your mother and I slept the entire two weeks you were in that coma.

I didn't chose the life you did the only thing I did was fall in love. I didn't know if you were going to walk back in the apartment when you would leave. It doesn't matter how many times we fought about it. I knew you would never stop and I was scared to leave you. Even if I didn't like the way you were living, I always knew I could trust you. You protected me and I'm not sure I deserved it. We had an extremely complicated relationship and There are things that I can never say to you. I don't really know how to explain it. I have so much to tell you and it's not like we just broke up or something and I can reach out If I truly wanted but I can't there isn't anyone to reach out to anymore. I'm not sure what to do now even after all of these years. I still miss you.

traumasupportptsddepressioncopingCONTENT WARNINGanxietyaddiction
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About the Creator

Nat

She/her/hers

writing about adoption, mental health, and chronic Illness.

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  • Alexis Mundy3 months ago

    Beautiful!

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