How the Wisdom of Confucius Can Help You Be Less of a Jerk

I’m sure you’re a pretty nice person. I like to think that I am too. But sometimes I let myself justify getting pretty snippy with the customer service rep - like it’s her fault that Comcast is stupid. Other times I find myself muttering under my breath when my kids eat graham crackers in my unmade bed, or I let a friend’s Facebook post piss me off for the rest of the day. Nobody’s perfect, but if you feel your inner Hulk bursting out in a rage every time the wind doesn’t blow your way, it might be time to try walking a more peaceful path. Let the Great Sage (aka Confucius) help you get there. He’s famous for little snippets of wisdom that can sound like they came out of a fortune cookie - until you look deeper. Sometimes a simple phrase can help you see things differently and make keeping your cool a little easier. Feel free to scrawl any of these on a post-it note or make them the background on your lock screen. If they really change your life, they might even make it onto a canvas you can look at every night as you fall asleep. Hopefully, you’ll be sleeping more peacefully when you’re treating others in a way that makes you both feel great.

"Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it." 

Yeah yeah, stop and smell the roses. What does looking for beauty have to do with treating others with greater respect? Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that the human beings around us are not their dingy mismatched socks, their perfect balayage hair, their stained teeth, or their tightly knotted double Windsor. What we immediately see in another’s appearance doesn’t tell us the whole story; in fact, it may completely conceal another person’s real essence. I fell prey to this trap in a totally humbling way last month. I live on a busy street in a neighborhood filled with awesome, incredibly diverse people and a couple of sorta strange homeless men who wander up and down. I noticed that one of these men seemed to be spending most of his time outside our corner gas station, two doors down from my rental. I jokingly referred to him as “Bush Man” since he was always sitting on a bench in the bushes by the dumpster, drinking coffee or just watching people go by. He always wore the same faded coat and I assumed that he didn’t have anywhere better to go. Eventually, I realized to my utter humiliation that he was the owner of the gas station (I finally figured it out when I noticed him taking care of the property, picking up trash and re-stocking supplies for car washing). Suddenly, I saw him differently - as a small business owner, a member of my community, and never a person to regard with suspicion or derision. His wave when I passed was now friendly instead of weird, and I remembered once again how foolish it is to judge without knowing.

"Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself." 

If you’ve ever had a job in customer service, you know how hard it can be when the customer is always right (and really, they aren’t). I’ve worked at a dinner theatre, at Olive Garden, and, hardest of all, as a customer service rep at a Sprint call center. The last one was a miserable year-long stint at a cubicle where I sat for eight hours a day (pregnant, I might add) with the phone constantly ringing and some very angry people on the other end. While no one wants a bill they didn’t expect or disconnected service, their fury and derision never made me more able to help them with what they needed. I vowed to myself that I would never again be unkind and sarcastic with a server, a hostess, a customer service rep, a secretary, or anyone else who has to stand there and take it with a smile when someone’s in a foul mood. And then what happened? Why, the inevitable, of course. A few years later I got angry with an Amazon rep and was downright rude. Fortunately, I realized while still on the phone that I was the one in the wrong and had a chance to apologize. My point? While getting chicken when you ordered fish is frustrating, it’s not the end of the world, and it’s never worth making another’s person’s job that much more excruciating. Sometimes I play a game with myself where I try to see how kind and positive I can be to the person who’s making a living by serving me. I have almost always been rewarded with a grateful smile and awesome service. But even when I haven’t, I’ve avoided total hypocrisy and getting myself all riled up for no good reason. A server, a call center agent, a valet - they're hard working people, and they're not doing it for the fun of it. Be gracious.

"When I walk along with two others, from at least one I will be able to learn." 

I think there’s a middle school girl inside most of us who’s a little bit afraid to share our friends. What if we introduce our BFF to someone else and then THEY go and have a tea party...I mean, pumpkin spice latte...without us?? But “two’s a company, three’s a crowd” is an aphorism that needs to die and be replaced with this greater Confucian wisdom. My husband’s boss, a vice president of a large company, is known for the warm way in which she introduces everyone to each other and THEN talks them up to each other, showering on the praise and making them look fantastic. Instead of stealing away friends or business contacts, you can imagine how this makes each of them feel about her - loved, valued, and appreciated. Don’t isolate the people you know like Polly Pockets in their little heart-shaped plastic houses. Get everybody together and make the world a better place through friendship and - that most difficult of toddler accomplishments - sharing. You might even learn about new facets of their personalities that you didn't see when it was just the two of you.

"When you see a worthy person, endeavor to emulate him. When you see an unworthy person, then examine your inner self." 

Your coworker is driving you insane. If you seriously have to hear one more TMI detail about her Tinder escapades you’re going to gag on your tuna sandwich. But before you lose your lunch, Confucius would advise you to ponder what’s bothering you so much. Sometimes, the negative qualities we observe in others are also faults of our own that it’s easy for us to gloss over. Did you fail to recognize that maybe not everyone wanted to hear about YOUR romantic weekend on the coast when you were spilling the beans to your desk neighbor yesterday? Instead of starting a confrontation with someone else, look inward to think about what it is that you really value. Maybe your tight-lipped supervisor who never overshares is someone you admire and you’ll learn from her example. Maybe you are already pretty happy with the way that you handle dispersing tales from your dating life to office mates, but you’ll find that you actually feel jealous of what Chatty Cathy says she got last night (from a sensitive, ripped firefighter who loves puppies, no less"). Either way, when you find yourself strongly reacting to someone, make it about what you want to change - not about them.

"If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" 

It’s Thanksgiving dinner. Aunt Stacey’s been going on for half an hour now, spewing racist, hateful garbage about refugees that you frankly find appalling. You’ve gently made a couple of kind, actually-supported-by-data statements in support of the many hardworking, desperate for safety families who contribute to our communities, but she’s not having it. What should you do? Burst out in angry tears? Flick a spoonful of mashed potatoes into her lap? Light the tablecloth on fire with your mom’s cinnamon bun "scented candle? Though those would all be entertaining in their own way, they won’t help you feel any kind of peace. You’ve done the right thing by standing up for your own principles. Aunt Stacey’s not there yet - that doesn’t mean there’s no hope for her. In such a politically divisive world where friends and family can be lost over who they’re voting for, be a calm voice of reason. Do what Confucius says and examine your own heart. Do you know what you stand for? Can you feel good about the choices you’ve made? Then let go of the fear, hate, anger, worry, and all the other emotions swirling around inside you like improperly warmed gravy-from-a-can and choose to do something positive instead. Talk with Grandma about her childhood. Go play Candyland with your nephew. Toss the football around with your brother. Remember that peace, as it says on a mug my mom gave me for my high school graduation, does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.