Goodbye 50s... Hello 60s!

(Last year I recorded these thoughts on the eve of my birthday.)

Today is the last day of my 59th year. It is also the last day of my sixth decade and it feels a little strange. I cannot believe that 10 years have gone by so quickly. But at the pace at which I breathe, think, grow and live, everything feels like being in fast forward! Exhilarating and simply amazing.

Not surprisingly I couldn't sleep. I have all kinds of thoughts and feelings fluttering about inside me waiting for expression, but fear, apprehension or sadness isn't one of them. I don't do fear and sadness when it comes to ageing because no one guaranteed me anything in life. I feel excited, thrilled, overawed, wondrous, fantastic, grateful, expectant and joyful - and those are just the words that spring to mind right now. To think that I am on the threshold of 60 years, yet I feel like a teenager, someone waiting for the greatest moment in her life instead of merely being 'older'. I feel as though the sky is my absolute limit and I am about to embark on one of the most fulfilling phases of my existence. And I cannot wait for it to begin. I have never felt so excited about an upcoming birthday. Am I mad or wot?

For that reason, I've decided to do something I have never done before. Rather than lying in bed trying vainly to sleep, trying to suppress the myriad of thoughts that are fighting for space in my head, I decided to record them instead in a personal blog. Quite unlike all my other writings, this is to record my feelings over the next two days of crossing a threshold many people fear, especially women: that of being 60. It is such a major milestone mainly because if people expect you to be on your last legs in your 50s, to crawl under an 'old age' label and stay there, to play the 'old woman,' then by your 60s you are expected to lie down quietly and be seen and not heard. Sixty year old women are not expected to voice opinions (too old), not to be in love (wot?), not to shag themselves silly (wot's that?), not to be sexy, alive and beautiful. Not at all. But not me, dear folks. I will be Sixty, Savvy and Soaring. I will be shouting it from the rooftops and living every word with gusto. The only conventional box I am going to allow myself to be fitted into is the one that will put me six foot under, and that's a long time in the future. Until then, like the title of my latest book, I will be busy living and behaving disgracefully!

Women Who Fear Ageing


It means a lot to me to record these thoughts, but I have to be disciplined with them because they are running riot in my head as I write. So many, many thoughts to put to paper, yet I only want to give life to a few that really matter now, this moment. These thoughts will probably mean a lot to the millions of other women (and men) who fear ageing, but it will also be a kind of reckoning for me. I read about someone recently who was in her mid-30s and was dreading ageing. She said something which pained me greatly: that she would rather die than age. Such was her fear of ageing, perhaps based on unpleasant older lives she might have witnessed, she would even give up her life to avoid it. Very, very sad. Even Nora Ephron, the accomplished American author, wrote a book in 2006 (when she was 65), titled I Feel Bad About My Neck, where she mainly cites the negatives of getting older. I found that so tragic, that a woman, with so much to be grateful for, could feel so badly about herself, then use her influence to encourage others to feel badly, too.

Well, there's nothing wrong with my neck. It is a beautiful part of the beautiful me. I have no wrinkles anywhere on my body, and everywhere on me is fabulous: my face, my teeth, my boobs, my legs, my body. Just amazing, because I have thought it into being. I feel so great about my intellect, my body and me, if it weren't for my children feeling embarrassed, and also giving the 'wrong' message to all those serious, posh business people I know, I would offer to be a Sun Page 3 woman (not girl!) and bare all. Those two women obviously haven't lived my life, or had my thoughts, otherwise they would want to spend every single year, every single month and every single day that they might have left, in sheer joy, gratitude and wonder. So I do hope these personal thoughts of mine, about what I call 'positive ageing', will change some of those negative perspectives about one of the best times of our lives.

These thoughts are very important for me, not least at the end of the next decade, to remind me of where I am coming from, to compare notes on how I feel then with now, and to point out where I'm heading. You see, I believe that, at 70, I will not only feel the same but I will actually look the same, without any changes. Sounds incredible? Watch me. I wish I had a similar log at the end of my 40s with which to compare now, because what a contrast it would have been. There is a vast difference between today and the last day of being 49, as a quick review shows.

Rapid Recall of the Decade


The start of my last decade, though fulfilling, was dogged by pain: the pain of a marriage I was no longer enjoying, the pain of a business that was wildly fluctuating, the pain of feeling loveless and alone, the pain of gradually discovering a new me that sought expression but remained repressed and the pain of important decisions crying out to be made. I was at a crossroads, lost and bewildered, but it would be four more years before I would feel able to act.

The LOWS


• Sad eyes that didn't match my smile and a much bigger body.

• Diagnosed with diabetes, like my mother and grandmother.

• Carried trauma from my childhood for 38 years and slowly let them out for the first time, with the help of someone else. Cried buckets for a week.
• 
Mother died from a diabetic stroke.
• 
My sister, Annette died (36 years).
• 
Left the long marriage. Children took sides.
• Worst Christmas ever, alone and missing my mother and children children.

• My father passed away peacefully from a broken heart, having lost my Mum and two daughters.
• Filed for divorce.
• 
Said reluctant goodbye to a dear friend who had been my anchor. Life carried on.

• Business collapsed after 12 years, went into hibernation for three months.
• 
Decree nisi came through.
 Strange empty feeling after all those years.
• Very ill for 6 months. Body began rejecting diabetic medication (both insulin and tablets). Told by doctor I was a 'special case', never seen anyone like me. For a week my readings were at coma levels. Was told by nurse to 'have ambulance standing by'. Very sad and surreal.

The HIGHS


• A wonderful surprise 50th birthday party given for me by my family.

• Published a book for an American about the treatment of his mother in a veteran's hospital, Regina's Record. A most amazing collaboration across the globe via the Internet, and with very little resources too.

• Addressed students at the University of Mankato.
• 
Went to Venice for a wonderful romantic holiday with ex. Hopes of better things between us.

• My sisters Carmen and Marjorie came to Britain for the first time for a wonderful holiday. 

• Lost nearly two stones (26 lbs) in weight within a year of leaving home. Looking fabulous.

• Pioneer address to lawmakers and others in the House of Commons on diversity inclusion issues.

• Keynote speech at UNESCO's awesome Global Women's Leadership Conference, Paris. Fabulous experience.

• Went to Canada to promote my new book, a wonderful trip. Met some awesome people.
• 
Read 62 books on self awareness and development.
• 
Formulated SAVI concept and emphasis on Emotional Health for greater wellbeing.
• 
Pioneering writing on Emotional Health and its close connection to confidence, self-esteem and feelings of value.

• Invitation as keynote speaker by Bermuda's Chamber of Commerce to address their top 100 women. An incredibly unexpected honour.

• Wrote 10 easy steps to...Growing Older Disgracefully!

• Selected as a Team London Ambassador for the Olympic Games.
• Better now but still no proper medication; living on borrowed time in view of what happened to my Mom.

HIGHS=16, LOWS=13

Balance Sheet=+3 in credit (Not bad! Could have been much worse)

From a searing, roller coaster start, my fifties have ended on a calm, resolute note mainly filled with achievements, greater knowledge of who I am, what I want and where I wish to be. The only fly in the ointment is my fluctuating health, but I am determined to live every added day with joy and thanks.

The five years up to this birthday have been marked by an absence of stress, a self awareness and self-love that are greatly empowering, a prolific level of writing and gratitude for simply coming through the turbulence with lots of self-love: much poorer, health wobbling, missing my kids, but much, much happier! I am very happy with that! :)

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