The Wealthy Burglar

As many of you know, I am in the process of changing homes. This has meant a great deal of packing, cleaning up and decision-making over what to toss and what to keep. I have found old photographs and notebooks that I will treasure forever, along with other documents that I wish I had not seen. One such item came from the government. It noted how much money I would receive as part of the national pension plan if I retired in 2022 (it was an old letter). Now, things did not look good then, and they would probably not look too good many years down the road when I actually decided to retire. And the bills are still coming in and the rent will still need to be paid. What to do?

Well, I do own a copy of “The Wealthy Barber”, but let’s be honest, folks. Who of us really takes all of the advice from financial experts? I worked at a chain bookstore and saw the piles of “Barron’s” I had to restack on the shelves. My brother bought Anthony Robbins’ “Awaken the Giant Within” and took a peak. Nothing really stood out for me, personally...

But Mr. Chilton’s book did intrigue me.

How can I save up and have a nest egg at the end of my life?

I understood what I had to do.

I had to create my own list for those of you who need to take a bit of shortcut into that wonderful world of financial stability and success.

Most of us do feel that some ethical standards are necessary to lead a healthy life and not feel that we have hurt others to make it to the top.

If this is so, then my list is probably not for you.

From the mind of Sammy Glick:

“Going through life with a conscience is like driving your car with the brakes on.” – From What Makes Sammy Run by Budd Schulberg

Ah, the wise Mr. Glick…such an interesting character that more of us should read and study. I was tempted to name this piece after that fair and charming tome, but my title seems more on point.

You need to know what to do to be a wealthy burglar (ten points based on Chilton’s Contents page – all titles stolen – borrowed – from within):

1) The Financial Illiterate – Whoa, kind of setting yourself up for failure there, aren’t you, Dave? Most of us already know that we are hopeless with money (I see it every Friday in certain local stores where the line up for lottery tickets is longer than the one for food). We all know that a dollar does not buy what it once did, but there is no need to rub our faces in it. Let’s skip this one, and ignore our hurt feelings.

2) A Surprising Referral – Well, this book was not referred to me or anyone else I knew. As I said, this is a very popular book in Canada – “Over One Million Copies Sold,” says the cover – and I ended up with a copy in our house (perhaps discarded by an irate customer). So, not a referral, but a surprise: it does actually feel like Mr. Chilton would be on my side when he discusses saving for that proverbial rainy day. But where do we get that money?

3) The Wealthy Barber – Now, I am sure that this is a misprint. It certainly should read “The Wealthy BURGLAR” (caps all my own). How could he possibly think that barbers could become wealthy in our economy? Their shops are consistently shutting down and the last barber I knew – a friend and then relative of my family – recently retired early because of the change in the neighbourhood he once worked in (drunken and drugged out fights and broken glass are not the best invitations for new clients). Clearly, Mr. Chilton’s publishers made a mistake here (must see to it I do not make the same error with my own).

4) The Ten-Percent Solution – Ah, the old film featuring Robert Duvall! Now, let me explain this one to you, boys and girls. In this 1976 film, Mr. Duvall portrays Dr. Watson to the late, great Nicol Williamson’s…you-know-who. Another Sherlock film, you might say, but one with a definite twist. Holmes is tricked into going to Vienna to be treated for his delusions and cocaine addiction by… Sigmund Freud (Alan Arkin in a surprising and effective turn)! Rather nice of him to refer to a classic that has now been forgotten (Benedict Cumberbatch, eat your heart out).

5) Wills, Life Insurance, and Responsibility – Yawn… I am starting to get sleepy. Personally, I have always felt that there can never be a will that is completely airtight, preventing the wrong hands from touching the lucre. And life insurance is never for the one whose life is at stake (not really an issue for those of us living on our own). I guess that leaves us with responsibility: please refer to my quote from Sammy Glick and replace “conscience” with “responsibility”.

6) Our RSP – Okay, I’m a little confused with this one. Somewhere, a little birdie told me there was something called a Retirement Savings Plan, but that “Our” has me confused. Who is this group that I am supposed to be a part of? And how can I get in? A little more information might have helped, Mr. Chilton.

7) Home, Sweet Home – I am, once again, a little confused. Home? A radical concept that I have not been familiar with in quite some time. Money must have something to do with this and I realize now that I may have missed something in the book. The phrase may be an old one when families made that promise to themselves and their visitors, but it seems quite archaic and dusty now. Watch your terms, sir.

8) Saving Savvy – I suppose that this is all about how to save money, a life skill that every human being should develop and pass on to their offspring if possible. Well, you need to have money to save first before you can become savvy with it. That may be why I now have a plan in mind when I finish this list.

9) Insights into Investment and Income Tax – I have some insights into both of them: a) invest when things are good; take your money out when things are bad. And b) pay your taxes on time (the government likes to keep an eye on the money they have already deducted from our paycheques and then pretend they do not know how much we made for the year). Done.

10) Graduation – Didn’t I already do this, sir? I have diplomas from two different schools with two different levels of skills, and yet I am still forming a separate plan for my financial well-being. I don’t think that Mr. Chilton has a registered institution of learning under his name (now that would be a fun idea). A very confusing idea for you’re the last chapter…

Overall grade: Disappointing and Misleading.

I cannot really blame Mr. Chilton for being a barber who aspired to be a financial genius. His attempt proves the old idea that sometimes the reach is something that should go beyond one’s grasp. And this is full of grasps that never reach any of their goals.

So, my own plan will be followed through, and as long as I do not get caught, my wealth should be quite real and inspiring for my gentle readers…

Stay tuned!

*

Thank you for reading!

If you liked this, you can add your Insights, Comment, leave a Heart, Tip, Pledge, or Subscribe. I will appreciate any support you have shown for my work.

You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

Give it a look...