Mountain Dew Shortage Makes Strange Bedfellows
Extreme Sports Athletes and Meth Addicts Share Concern About Big Reductions in Nationwide Supply
Extreme sports athletes and hard core methamphetamine addicts came together this week to issue a statement demanding an immediate increase in the nations Mountain Dew supply. The two groups, who rarely see eye to eye given their wildly disparate socioeconomic backgrounds, lifestyles, and overall health status, put aside their longstanding and very significant differences to deliver the plea in writing to Mountain Dew brand owner PepsiCo. Thirty year meth addict Ted Stephens said of the historic document “While I might think these extreme sports dicklicks are a bunch of a-holes and punk ass bitches, at least they have the right taste in soda. After a five day meth binge I need to come down some before I can even think of getting any shut-eye and there aint nothing to bring me down like an ice cold Mountain Dew. Something about that massive dose of caffeine and sugar all wrapped up in that sickly sweet green carbonated goodness just hits the right spot for me. I can’t get enough of the shit, hell, I’d brush my teeth with it, if I had any left. PepsiCo better get their asses in gear and start cranking out some fuckin Dew, sons a bitches.” Extreme skiing legend Tony Montigo made the following statement. “Dude, there is nothing more radical than dropping in on a 60 degree slope from a helicopter at 12000 feet, except for Mountain Dew. The shit is the bomb. And dope is wack dude, get off the shit fuckin meth, freaks.” As of last reports Mr. Stephens was still on the shit. PepsiCo spokesmen Hal Rivens responded to the two groups saying “We understand and have heard the concerns of our two most longstanding and loyal customer segments. While supplies are tight due to shipping delays associated with the recent Covid-19 pandemic, rest assured Mountain Dew is still on store shelves nationwide and will continue to be available. To prove we our serious, we have prioritized Dew shipments over Dasani water and other so called “pussy” drinks for the foreseeable future. At PepsiCo we view serving the meth addict and extreme sports athlete population as part of our core mission, and we will not falter in that mission.”
THE END.
That not quite good enough for you. How about this story variant
Aging Extreme Sports Athletes and Meth Addicts Unite to Demand PepsiCo Introduce Mountain Dew Light
Health Impacts of Full Strength Dew are Taking a Toll on Mountain Dew's Two Most Loyal Customer Segments
It is no secret that two of Mountain Dew's most loyal customer segments, extreme sports athletes and hard core meth addicts are aging along with the brand they love. Along with that age has come a host of health problems, including diabetes and high blood pressure to name only two, that are being greatly exacerbated by continued consumption of large amounts of full strength Mountain Dew. The two groups, who rarely see eye to eye given their wildly disparate socioeconomic backgrounds and lifestyles, are both aging rapidly and put aside their longstanding and very significant differences to demand Mountain Dew brandowner PepsiCo introduce Mountain Dew Light. Representing aging extreme sports athletes, ten times X-Games gold medalist Tony "the mon" Montigo, said the followimg explaining the move. "Dude, you knows I loves me some Dew, but bra, my doc is tellin me if I don't cut back I'll be doin ollie's in heaven in the next five years cause my bp so freakin high from all that caffeine and my blood sugar is ragin out of control. I was super pumped when Mountain Dew zero was released thinking it might help me get my diabetes under control, but that shit tasted like ass. I'd rather ride goofyfoot down a scrazzy iced slope then drink that turdfest. Mountain Dew light is a no brainer. Just cut the sugar and caffeine in half, don't take it all out, that's all we are asking. Coke has done it, why can't Mountain Dew? Sure these meth heads are a bunch of crazy freaks, but they have the right taste in soda, and even worse health problems than us aging extremem sports athletes. If they can help us get Mountain Dew Light on the shelves then they are all right by me." Hard core meth addict Ted Stephens speaking on behalf of meth heads everywhere said the following "Extreme sports are for douchebags, and that's why these extreme sports athletes are such douches. Where's my fuckin pipe douchebag?" Mr Stephens then punched My Montigo hard in the face sending the aging extreme sports athlete into a 360 reverse tail whip from which he has not yet recovered.
About the Creator
Everyday Junglist
Practicing mage of the natural sciences (Ph.D. micro/mol bio), Thought middle manager, Everyday Junglist, Boulderer, Cat lover, No tie shoelace user, Humorist, Argan oil aficionado. Occasional LinkedIn & Facebook user
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