Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/molecular biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater
A Career Writing Objective Met
When I first began publishing on Vocal.media a little over four months ago I had two objectives. First, to convince the site's owners and caretakers of the grave error they had committed in the creation and implementation of their censorship policies, and to help turn them away from that dark path. Second, to someday be featured in the below the fold section "Creator's Were Loving" on the site's homepage. I am quite proud today and more than a little touched to publicly announce that I have met that second objective as you can see from the image above.
Dear Subscribers, Hello superfans, Danimals, Danamaniacs, and assorted ne'er do wells. My subscriber count has been increasing at a rapid rate since I first began publishing on Vocal.media nearly 4 months ago. The sizzling pace of almost 1 subscriber every fifteen days has resulted in massive growth from zero subscribers in June of this year to a full octet of eight subscribers today. Amazingly, at least two of you must be complete strangers as I do not have more than six friends, acquaintances, or relatives who do not find my non technical writings, weird, stupid, confusing, not funny, scary, gross, disturbing and/or boring and thus avoid them at all costs. Now that my subscriber count has reached octomom levels (thanks to each of you) I felt it would be a good time for me to reach out personally and say thank you. As I pondered what I might do to show my appreciation to my rabid fan base that would satiate their unquenchable desire for all things everyday junglist I hit upon the idea of this newsletter. After all, you obviously love my writing so what better reward could I bestow upon each of you than to prepare an original article specifically addressed to you written in my patented intelligent, yet nonsensical style in the voice of an ego driven blowhard, but with the eyes of an angel, and a rare talent for run on sentences. As usual my idea was a fantastic one, but as soon as I sat down to write I found I could not focus on the task at hand. My mind was simply too preoccupied. Like each of you no doubt, I have not been able to stop thinking about the endangered bird the Mccaw after Vocal published their latest and most groundbreaking, creating, and innovative writing challenge yet, featuring that aforementioned feathered friend of friends. Two classic run ons back to back, both with serious grammatical and punctuation problems, I am on fire tonight!
Despite Not Having Found a Mate, Local Man’s* Soul Fairly Well Satisfied with Life
Local man (not to be confused with ‘area man’, a licensed, copyrighted, and trademarked term of the The Onion and theonion.com) Eric Feeter’s soul was said to be fairly well satisfied with how things were going in general despite 30+ years of not having found a mate. Even though many souls are said to require a mate to achieve happiness Eris’s reportedly made peace with it’s own situation many years ago. Instead of finding joy and life satisfaction through a mate, Eric’s soul has obtained a similar level of fulfillment through a passion for collecting comic books and paraphernalia related to the 1980s television series CHiPS featuring Erik Estrada as officer Frank Pancherello.
Author's Preface: You know I love you Vocal.media. I kid because I love. Because I love to make you face up to the terrible example you have set for all writers and lovers of free expression with your awful censorship policies. And because I love to point out how your publishing "rules" are ridiculous and absurd, and how your writing challenges are totally bereft of creativity or originality. But also because I love. lol!
Deep Learning for Humans
Introduction We humans always have always anthropomorphized the things we created. The dates can go back to ancient Greeks, where Pygmalion — the Greek artist felt in love with Galatea, the sculpture he created and wished to give his creation a life.
Gamer Who Dominated Post Apocalyptic MMORPGs Utterly Crushed by Actual Post Apocalyptic World
Long time post apocalyptic MMORPG gamer Ted Stephens was utterly crushed by the post apocalyptic world he found himself in shortly after a surprise thermonuclear war erupted between the United States and Russia, dying in just under 37 minutes after a beam supporting the roof of the basement where he spent most of his days and nights playing post apocalyptic MMORPGs collapsed. Ted’s skull was split open by the large steel beam killing him instantly and ending his first ever foray into an actual post apocalyptic world in near record time. His fast and brutal death in the actual post apocalypse stood in stark contrast to his utter domination of post apocalyptic MMORPGs including Tom Clancy’s The Division, where the player’s goal is to survive in the after-pandemic world, Fallout 76, an online sequel of the famous nuclear-themed game, and Secret World Legends. The creators of those MMORPG’s could not be reached for comment as they were currently in pitched battles with radiation scarred cannibals for control of the worlds rapidly dwindling supply of clean water.
The Evil Villain DNA
I heard a strange story the other day about DNA. It struck me as plausible on account of the fact that I have quite a vivid imagination, or so people say. Also, I have some training in the biological sciences which helped a lot in this particular case. The story went something like this. What we now know as DNA was actually once a terrible criminal from another galaxy far from our own. All galaxies are actually really very, very far from our own, but don’t let that one small example of imprecise language use cause too much doubt in the veracity of the tale overall. Rest assured, since I am the one doing the retelling, I’ll be sure to correct any further abuse of the language like the one just cited whenever it may occur. This particular criminal was of the extra evil variety, and extra clever too I was told, and he had been captured and escaped many times previously. His judges and jailers were an ancient alien race with almost God like powers. Needless to say they were more than a little annoyed at how poorly their previous punishments had fared. So, upon his most recent capture (~4.85 billion years ago according to what I heard) they desired to design a prison that could not be escaped and would last until time ran out at the end of the universe.
A Gen Xer’s Guide to Millennial and Boomer Humor
A Millennial’s Guide to Boomer Humor Author’s note: This article is a parody of the above linked article. It is meant to be a humorous send up of that article. It does include some of the original article’s sentences and words reproduced verbatim as in the original post. This is kept to a bare minimum and only for humorous effect. This is not plagiarism or a copyright violation. I also encourage you very much to read the original article, clap for it, follow the author, etc.