Deevolutionary Theory Proponents Point to Tennessee as Evidence
In a vigorous debate with evolutionary theorists this week, proponents of the competing theory of deevolution argued that the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee clearly supports the claims made by their theory, while at the same time standing in direct opposition to what traditional evolutionary theory would predict. Dr. Stephen Wandsworth a leading deevolutionary theorist said the following in a prepared statement at the close of the debate. "Our thorough analysis of both the phenotypic (appearance based) and genotypic (DNA sequence based) makeup of the current human population of Tennessee has vindicated deevolutionary theorists claims and laid bare the great weaknesses inherent in traditional evolutionary theory. For example, evolutionary theory claims that living beings continually improve themselves over time through the process of natural selection, with only the strongest and most well adapted surviving to reproduce another generation. They refer to this as survival of the fittest. In contrast, deevolutionary theory presents a competing hypothesis we call survival of the fattest. Deevolutionary theory and survival of the fattest predicts that only the most overweight, out of shape, and irresponsible will reproduce in high enough numbers to continue another generation. The current human population of Tennessee which features an overabundance of overweight, morbidly obese, and totally out of shape persons is clear evidence that survival of the fattest is the more accurate. On the genetic level we are seeing a reduction in both the total number of functional coding genes and a significant increase in single nucleotide polymorphisms (SNPs) and other mutations across large portions of the genome triggering serious and damaging changes in protein structure and function. As a result the physical appearance of the average Tennessee human has degraded significantly. Tennessee humans are now shorter, have lower IQs, less teeth, more diseases, and fewer boyfriend/girlfriend prospects than at any time since records have been kept. Yet, they continue to reproduce at a rapid clip and the level of irresponsible sexual matings between Tennesse males and females inlcuding out of wedlock, cousin and even brother sister pairings are at their highest levels ever. This is not something one would expect if evolutionary theory were an accurate representation of reality, deevolutionary theory however, predicts exactly these results. Both theories indidcate that superfluous organs and structures will be selected out over time however they differ greatly in terms of the importance each gives to various organ systems and structures. If evolutionary theory were correct Tennessee humans should have healthy teeth, and stand and walk upright with a straight gate, but instead we see a majority with very few teeth left, standing hunched over and favoring a sloping limping shuffle. When it comes to mate selection evolutionary theory and deevolutionary theory also differ greatly. Evolutionary theory argues that the female looks to reproduce with only the most fit males ensuring that her genes will be successfully carried on to the next generation. In contrast in deevolutionary theory a female looks to reproduce with males that will carry her jeans to the laundromat or buy her a pair of jeans or wear jean shorts. It is patently obvious that deevolutiary theory is more correct given the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee in which almost 9 out of 10 persons where jean shorts for the majority of days of every year. Given all the data it seems clear that at least when it comes to the human population of Tennessee, evolutionary theory is simply not correct. Deevolutionary theory, on the other hand, has been totally vindicated. The question we need to answer next is if Tennessee is but an outlier, or if other states will also show deevolutionary theory to have superior explanatory power. There are a few obvious cases, Kentucky and Alabama come to mind, but what we do not yet understand is which theory will prevail in more mainstream states like Ohio and Virginia. No matter, the results we have obtained so far represent nothing less than a paradigm shift in our understanding of human evpolution and deevolution." Ironically both theories share the distinction of being not believed in by 99% of the humans of Tennessee.
Preamble to the Constitution of the United Vegetables of the Refrigerator Crisper
Author’s note: A friend challenged me to rewrite the preamble to the US Constitution including the phrase “…in order to form a more perfect onion” which for some reason this friend found particularly hilarious. I thought it was kind of cute too and decided to accept the challenge. It was actually fairly difficult but I do like what I managed to come up with.
Local Nerd Shocked to Discover He is in Love with a Girl Who Has Never Seen a Single Star Wars Movie
Local nerd Ted Stephens was reportedly shocked and in disbelief when he realized that he was madly in love with his coworker, local girl (Melissa Thompson) who has never seen a single Star Wars movie. Ted said of the cosmically improbable event "I had a suspicion that Melissa was not a huge Star Wars fan on our very first date when I busted out three classic Yoda quotes to which she barely reacted. The first time was when she was talking about how difficult it had been for her when she moved to the US from oversees. She used the example of how she had learned the metric system in her homeland, but that it was totally different from the English systenm of measurements we use in the states. After she had finished and fell silent for just a moment waiting for me to reply I said, you must unlearn what you have learned, in my best Yoda voice. It was perfectly timed and oh so appropriate, but she barely smiled. Instead she just gazed off into the distance, her almond shaped eyes aglow with a fire that illuminated the dimly lit room where we sat like a sliver of moonlight. Her pouty lips glistened, and raven black, silky smooth hair cascaded over her perfectly formed shoulders like a river made of purest ebony. The second time was when she was describing her struggles to advance at Compford & Sons, the office where we work. She complained that the significant impact of her work was constantly overlooked even though she was trying as hard as she could to impress her boss and coworkers. As she spoke, the look of desperation on her face was reflected in her pale blue eyes, and my heart melted. In that moment, her beaty was beyond imagining, and, even though it was tinged with sadness, it took my breath away. It almost left me speechless, fortunately, I quickly recovered my senses, and remembered yet another classic Yoda quote which addressed the situation she currently faced. So, once again, in my pitch perfect Yoda voice I simply said, do or do not, there is no try. Bam. That was spot on awesome, but agin she just shrugged and continued on saying that she was not sure she was capable of doing what needed to be done, and that she was questioning her own belief in herself. For a gorgeous woman of such stunning grace to feel such self doubt angered and saddened me in equal measure. Luckily, for the third time in less then fifteen minutes, Yoda's words of wisdom came into my mind. I knew they could be of some consolation to her so when I spoke, it was in a quiet tone, but again in Yoda voice, that is why you fail, was all I said. Awesome stuff, right? I mean I could not have story boarded it out any better. It just goes to show you how the philosophy of the Jedi is so applicable and useful even in our own galaxy, and not just a galaxy far, far away. Anyways, Melissa did not seem as impressed as I thought for sure she would be and that was when she told me she had never seen a single Star Wars movie then excused herself to use the ladies room. As she stood to leave I noticed the smoothness of her skin, her delicate hands, and shapely legs and I think that was the moment I fell in love with her. But, clearly she was no Star Wars fan, so how could I be in love with her? It just did not seem possible, and yet, my feelings could not be denied. Love works in mysterious ways I guess. I waited there at the table for a good ten minutes completely dumbfounded, heart pounding in my chest, barely able to think or move, but she never came back so finally I paid the check got up and went home and watched the entire original Star Wars trilogy alone for the fifth time this year."
The Hallucinogenic Mushroom Industry Needs to Take Food Safety Seriously
Hallucinogenic mushrooms are now legal in California and poised to become legal in Colorado in 2024. The details of both laws appear to be substantially similar. Each considers hallucinogenic mushrooms as therapeutic drugs and allows for their cultivation, possession, and distribution as thearupeutic agents. In a strange, logic defying twist, neither allows for their advertisement or sale. Those activities both remain illegal. It appears that many in California have chosen to ignore that particular aspect of the law as hallucinogenic mushrooms can be found and ordered with relative ease online, and the sellers are using sophisticated marketing and slick packaging that certainly look a lot like advertising. I have no desire to debate the merits or demerits of the state laws and will leave it to others to decide who may or may not be breaking them, and with what practices. Meanwhile, hallucinogenic mushrooms, like all hallucinogens, remain illegal at the federal level, and you can be arrested and go to jail for a significantly long period of time if caught growing, distributing, or even just possessing small quantities of them. I think it is fair to say the feds and the states disagree on this question, and I am fairly certain there are many in the federal government who view the laws in California and Colorado as direct challenges to their authority, and potentially dangerous. Both of those beliefs are likely incorrect, however, they are genuinely believed, and thus the feds will be looking for any angle to stop or at least slow down the hallucinogenic mushroom movement in any way it can. If they cannot do so through the usual law enforcement channels another option would be through the federal regulatory agencies with law enforcement authority, this includes the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA).
Damn you Elyria, where in the seven hells are you. I need you.... now. Baj's mind raced as he tried desperately to find a way out out his current predicament. The creature he faced had hurt him badly. He was cut in at least ten places, one of which was a very serious deep slash wound to the calf that had nearly taken off his right foot. That wound was bleeding so much it had already caused him to slip twice, and had almost cost him his life the last time he lost his footing. He knew he was outmatched. The creature, known as a raverstrike was a favorite assassin of the Gods and possessed divine strength, speed, and stamina. His expert level hand to hand combat and weapons skills, obtained through years of torturous training at the academy, were all that had kept him alive this long. However, he knew they would not be enough to defeat the raver, only his Goddess could save him now. That thought caused his fury to rise and he screamed and cursed even as he watched his life's blood drain from him. The raverstrike looked at Baj with its large black eyes which had rolled forward in their deeply recessed sockets on each side of its vaguely horse like head. Long arms protruded from each side of its massive seven foot tall well muscled trunk. Each ended in a single razor sharp curved claw, both of which were soaked in Baj's blood. That blood dripped down slowly toward the ground from along the length of each claw and the creature's long tongue protruded outward to lap it up out of the sky as it fell. It was a grotesque sight and when it spoke the tone of it hurt Baj's ears and caused his head to ache and his heart to freeze in his chest. "Your bitch Goddess can't save you human. Loki himself has ordered your death, and I am here to see that his will is done." As it spoke it moved slowly toward Baj maneuvering to within striking distance of its claws, raising one giant arm to throw the killing blow. It was so close now that Baj could feel the heat emanating from the monsters body like a furnace.
Thomas Kuhn first coined the terms paradigm and paradigm shift in The Structure of Scientific Revolutions, one of the most important books in the history and philosophy of science. Paradigms are shared worldviews that structure the way science is done. They are broad in scope, impacting many aspects of a given scientific discipline or many disciplines. They function for a very long time (i.e. generations) and never change overnight or even in a year. Despite their modern usage, in their original conception they were solely applicable to the natural sciences. There are no paradigms or paradigm shifts in business, nor in technology, or in anything else. Paradigm shifts happen when over time a “sufficient number of anomalies are identified, which lead to the replacement of one paradigm by another."
Author's preface: I was home visiting my parents recently and had the opportunity to spend a little bit of time with a friend who was the protagonist of a story I wrote many years ago titled "Reduced Speed". Seeing her reminded me of that story and so, out of curiosity, I went back and read it again. Turns out I still really like it. It is disturbing, sad, and glum, but with a wistful tone that somehow feels almost a little (very little) hopeful. It is also powerful and emotionally impactful. Maybe those feelings are amplified for me since I am a part of the story and 'Shannon' (not her real name) from the story remains my friend to this day. Moreover it was written not long after the sudden and tragic death of my wife of only two years, Victoria. Anything I wrote at that time effects me greatly today no matter what the topic. I am republishing it with only a few minor changed from the original.
"Whenever you are buying a used car from a person, there are two things you need to pay the most attention to. The headliner and the trunk. People that take care of their cars, that really love their cars and care about them, always keep the headliner and trunk clean, and in good condition, those who don't, don't. If I see a beat up, dirty headliner or trunk, I walk away." Donnie paused for a moment, furrowed his brow, obviously deep in concentration then continued. "And, oh yeah, don't forget pet hair. If you see any pet hair, it's not necessarily an instant walk away, but you better believe I am knocking the price down by 5-10% off of whatever I was already thinking about offering." Thomas thought about what he had just heard, and it seemed to make a lot of sense. Then again, anytime Donnie said anything it seemed to make a lot of sense. He spoke with an air of authority about any topic, and for both Thomas, and just about everyone else, it made it very hard to question the correctness of anything Donnie ever said about anything. The fact that Donnie had two Ph.D.'s in the biological sciences added a ton of credibility. It was a classic case of authority bias, one of Donnie's favorite cognitive biases, and, one, he never failed to use to his advantage.
There are a group of people for whom the simulation hypothesis is no longer a hypothesis. They believe with their entire beings, their whole hearts and minds, that we are indeed simulated beings living in a simulated world. In the mid to late 1980s, some of them, how many it is impossible to say, banded together to found a church, the Church of Simulationalism also known as the Simulationist Church. Through the process of simulational submersion (also known as transsubsimulationtiation or just transsubsimulation for short), in a sop to the Catholic doctrine of transubstantiation, they come to know of our “real” position in this universe as simulated beings living in a simulated world. The Simulationalists have borrowed heavily from Catholic tradition for their “faith” as you will learn if you read more on the topic. This “religion” was founded on a set of 18 core principles, their foundational maxims or Simulationist’s Creed, which are published in full here. Below I present only the first three maxims of the creed.
The tendency to use analogy to computers and computing to explain and simplify complex biological systems and phenomenon is a recently acquired tendency of human psychology and is seen most often in pop culture writing about technology and neuroscience. The application of computomorphism in neuroscience gave rise to the compulogical fallacy. In their classic work, The Philosophical Foundations of Neuroscience, M.R. Bennet and P.M.S. Hacker gave the name mereological fallacy to the logical disorder plaguing much neuroscientific thought at the time. Then, and still to this day, neuroscientists commonly assigned various cognitive attributes to the brain that can only logically be attributed to a whole human being. Examples include things like having memories, desiring things, seeing, tasting, judging, evaluating, etc. Their intent was to show the logical contradictions that arise as a result of this erroneous view of cognition.
"Am I the only person on the planet that thinks the Beetles kind of sucked?" Steve asked rather loudly to no one in particular only moments after Sergent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band had begun to play from the stadium loudspeakers. His opinion did not appear to be widely shared by the large crowd as many had begun to cheer and dance the moment they recognized the tune. They sung along raucously to the well known lyrics, clapping and smilin as they sang. Joe looked at Steve, his face a mixture of disdain and irritation "I doubt you are the only asshole out there who thinks that Steve, but there can't be very many."
"You're crazy Tim. Nobody designs products intentionally to fail. With the amount of competition out there it would be suicidal for any business. Why would anyone do that?" Tim lowered his head slightly and frowned, paused a moment to gather his thoughts, then replied. "Greed brother. You are so naive, think about it. How many tubes of caulk have you had to throw away and replace because after you used it once, there was no easy way to seal the tube back up, and it completely dried out? In Mexico every tube of caulk comes with a plastic replaceable cap, completely solves the problem at virtually zero cost. The exact same caulk in the States, no cap." Joe looked at Tim a look of obvious confusion on his face. "So?" "Without that cap the caulk dries out in the tube after one or two uses and needs to be replaced which sells more caulk. In Mexico the caulk never dries out, and the entire tube gets used. Less caulk is sold overall and a lot less waste. A win win for the consumer and the environment, but not as much profit for the caulk manufacturers. That is just one example out of hundred I could give you. So many technical problems related to storage and stability have been solved but solutions are never implemented because it means things last longer and so less of them are sold." Joe looked at Tim and smiled as he said "You are crazy man."