You Should Want A Partner Who Lies To You

If you were to list the characteristics of the perfect partner, I know a liar wouldn't be on the list.

I'm human, just like you, and I don't gel very well with people who think lying is an admirable quality. 

I'm not celebrating my ex-boyfriend who lied about how he felt about me, claiming to love and care for me when that was far from the case. 

I'm not hoping for a repeat of my first boyfriend who would tell me he was home but was really out cheating on me at the local pub. Nope, I'm not for the liars with those types of lies.

But as I've grown older, and hopefully wiser, I've come to realise lying is something we should all want from our partners. 

Despite it being something we beg them not to do, it's a trait that could help nurture and grow relationships.

Now before you go tearing into me and sharing your stories of how a liar ruined your life, hear me out.

Everyone lies, got it?

First of all, I want to put a spotlight on the elephant in the room. Everyone accepts the idea that everyone lies a little. No one goes about their life telling the absolute, unfiltered truth.

In acknowledging this, we have to remember lies come in many forms, too. Though someone might not lie about the big things, they:

• Tell white lies
• Lie by omission
• Lie by deception, pretending they're someone they're not
• Lie by pulling you away from the truth, but not concealing it
• Lie by telling half-truths
• Lie by pretending to forget, claiming they don't have any memory of it
• Protesting too much

Despite the fact we chastise people for indulging in any form of lying, we can't control it. Lying is part of what humans do.

Even if we don't mean to, or do it without any forethought, it's what humans do.

Without cutting this argument short, if you want a partner who doesn't lie, you're asking for someone who isn't human.

Everything you don't want to know

Taking all the normal, boring lying humans will do as part of life, you don't always want your partner to tell you everything about their life. Or what happens in their day. Or every single nagging worrying feeling they're having. 

There are some things in life we shouldn't say to our partner, or to anyone for that matter.

Everyone has their secret selves that no one needs to know about. What are these things? It could literally be anything. But here are some examples:

• How satisfying your morning poop was
• How many donuts you ate at work today
• How much you innocently fancy another person (celebrity crush or perving that everyone does)
• How much time you spent reading comic books on the train on your way to work
• How much you really hate eating Brussels sprouts, to the point of disgusting reflux no one needs to hear about

In my books, it's fine to exaggerate, lie or divert the conversation about anything on this list. They aren't deal breakers by hiding them. 

And they aren't going to add to the relationship if you tell them. In fact, they could be too much information for some people.

Whilst we're here, there are also some things you don't want to tell your partner.

This is a topic close to my heart; I don't believe our partner should know about every single sexual or romantic experience we've had. 

Now, if we want to tell our partner, then that's fine. But we shouldn't feel obligated to tell them.

Yet, when our partner pressures us to reveal this part of our life, I'm all for lying. They're demanding information we're not comfortable to share, to them or to anyone. 

It's our secret life, with 'secret' being the operative word. 

And if this information isn't relevant to growing the relationship, why should they know?

I know some people will disagree with me. Understanding a person's romantic past helps you figure out what the future with them will look like. 

That I agree with. 

But your partner doesn't need every little detail. And to avoid revealing all those details, lying is necessary to protect your experiences in your past life.

There are some things your relationship doesn't need saying

Lying by omission can be one of the most contentious types of lying we do. When I talk to my family and friends about it, everyone has a very differing opinion, especially over how far you should go. 

Should you leave something out of the conversation? 

Or not have the conversation at all?

In romantic relationships, there are many things you shouldn't talk to your partner about for the sake of the union. This lying by omission is a good thing we should embrace.

Can you imagine what would happen if you had unfiltered conversations about the following examples?

• How bad you were in bed - Imagine if you critiqued your partner every time you had sex and gave them a ranking at the end. 5/10, use less tongue, and make sure to do your stretches next time.
• How much of a burden their illness really is - I hate that you're gluten intolerant. It's so annoying to have to cook a separate meal for you every time we eat. It would be so much easier if you were normal.
• How bad you are at something you're learning to do - I know you think your cooking is getting better, but it's not that good at all. I wish you would stop trying and just let me take over.

If you were honest about topics like this (there are too many to list) and said those things without lies, would your relationship last? Nope.

Now, I know we could make arguments for having honest conversations about any or all these topics. Talking about how you can both improve in bed will help you both.

But you know some conversations need some lying to make them productive. It's never going to go well if you tell your partner every single thing they do wrong in bed. 

Your partner will retreat into defense mode and probably start slinging insults your way too.

That's not productive. 

Lying, in this case, helps us pick our battles.

Do you always want to know those unfiltered thoughts?

Here's a cliche example of lying to a partner that I believe still stands the test of time. When a partner asks, "Do I look fat in my jeans?" What is the answer? A lie. It's always a lie.

The answer doesn't have to be a straight-up lie. You don't have to say how wonderful they look if they don't. Or how flattering the jeans look if they aren't. You can lie and still help your partner and not be an ass in the process.

You can say things like:

• "You (insert other pair of jeans) would look better today."
• "I liked what you were wearing before."
• "You always look beautiful."

All these are lies; different types of lies but lies all the same.

• "You (insert other pair of jeans) would look better today." - Lying by deflecting to another concept.
• "I liked what you were wearing before." - Lying by avoiding the question (doesn't address whether they look fat or not) and answering an entirely different question.
• "You always look beautiful." - Lying by half-truth. You believe they always look beautiful, but that hasn't anything to do with their weight.

I think about what it's like being lied to at that point. I want that lie. I don't need my partner pointing out everything wrong with my outfit and my body at that moment. 

I can do that all on my own without their input. I don't need to hear their unfiltered monologue to go along with my own.

What you really want…

Is a partner who understands harmful lies versus innocent, white lies. 

And with that understanding, doesn't abuse or confuse the two. You don't want a partner who lies, goes behind your back, cheats on you, and keeps information from you that you should know. 

Or that would influence your decision.

That's not a partnership. That's not basic, fundamental teamwork. And as you may have worked out, the lies you want a partner to tell, don't violate the teamwork agreement.

Now, you will always have people who can't tell the difference between innocent lies and harmful ones. 

And you will always have people who tell one innocent lie and it leads to far worse. There are always exceptions to the rule.

But you can't expect your partner never to lie to you, ever. You're asking them not to be human. And if you want a happy relationship, you need to accept people will act like humans.

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