Why Is It So Hard to Not Care What Others Think About You?

Two recent stories (here and here) from a fellow writing colleague on another (non Vocal) writing platform got me thinking about the question of why exactly it is we care so much about what other’s think about us. In the first piece she described how she could accept and even like authentic jerk versus an inauthentic just about anything writing “Because it requires courage and not giving a shit about what others think or placing so much value on others’ opinions about them.” I responded by mentioning how difficult it is to actually do this, to actually not care about what others thinks about oneself, without being (at least perceived as) a complete asshole about it. In truth, it might be impossible.

The problem is this sort of attitude is often times taken as a sign that you are an “extremely arrogant jerk” even if you happen to be the nicest person in the world. Much like the conclusion the author arrives at I think this is mostly because it subverts people’s expectations. This in turn makes them uncomfortable (she says fearful). People expect other people to care about what other people think and say about them. In fact, they expect them to care a great deal about this. If you do not in fact, care about such things, you may as well be an alien being from another planet. They simply can’t comprehend how such a thing is possible and they typically react with fear or suspicion. It can be impossible to overcome no matter how hard you try. In one sense this sort of attitude is a threat to how our society currently functions. It is built on the idea of worrying about what other people think about you. From how you dress, to how you talk, to what you write about, to what you think about, to your line of work. A huge part, perhaps the largest part of our economy in total is based on this one idea, this one concept. It also happens to be how we attract a mate, and form social groups, etc. From a certain angle worrying about what others think seems a good thing, like you care about them, and value their opinions, this would seem to be a net positive. But really, it is a form of selfishness because you really don’t care about their opinions except in so far as they relate to their opinions about you. You don’t really care about what they think but for what they think about you. In the end all you really care about is yourself and therefore you will go to great lengths to be what you think others want you to be. The great irony is that in doing this the real you is totally lost, and in the end, their is no real you at all, only the you everyone else wants you to be. That is truly sad and leads to so much disfunction and misery. But, it also sells lots of makeup and clothes and music and whatever else so I guess it can’t be all bad, right?

Obviously, as with most things this is not an all or nothing proposition. There is likely a healthy middle ground. One where you value other people’s opinions because you like and respect them, because they are good people. You want them to like you because they are the type of person you would like to be, and by emulating them you can become more like them. What they think about you is important because their opinions are important. Their beliefs are, in your mind, correct and valuable beliefs. You do not want to disappoint them so you do anything and everything you can to conform to their expectations of you. This is generally a good thing if the person or person(s) that you view in this way are actually good people. A good example of this might be your parents (or it might not depending). You value the opinion your parents have of you because you love and respect them. At the same time you have enough self respect and self confidence to recognize and understand that you are under no obligation to care about what everyone thinks about you, and you are smart enough to recognize which people’s opinions about you are important, and which people’s are not. Ideally, the first group should be small and limited to those you know well, while the second group should consist of everybody else, including all those people you don’t know, have never met, and maybe will never meet. In practice this is almost impossible and almost nobody lives this way. The first big problem is that the number of “good” people around seems to be actually very small and growing smaller every day. The second is that our society, via social media, and other everyday interactions, pushes us to believe we should care about what everybody thinks about us. That the more people we can get to “like” us the more valuable we are as people. The easiest way to do this is to cater to the lowest common denominator. And so we gravitate towards the vile or the cruel or the bland and dull and cliched. These things will always attract an audience.