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Winter Vest Wearing Man Found Dead of Frostbite

by Everyday Junglist 8 days ago in satire

Frozen Arms Blamed

A similar man who is quite proud of his own vest

A man wearing a winter vest was found dead of frostbite this morning near the sleepy town of Chenowith Hills, OH. Paramedics who responded to the seen reported that the man’s arms had frozen solid, completely cutting of normal circulation. “Perhaps not surprisingly for a winter vest wearing individual, the man’s back, chest, and stomach remained warm the entire time, but unfortunately it simply was not enough to stave off the bitter cold that ultimately killed him” said paramedic Tom Stevens, the first to arrive at the scene. Mr. Stevens continued “Let this serve as a warning to others who might consider a winter vest warm enough to protect you during the winter. That is simply not the case, and it is all too easy to be lulled into a false sense of security by the warmth you feel in your mid upper body. Never forget that with a winter vest on your arms are completely exposed to the elements.” After a brief pause Mr. Stevens concluded “Now that I think about the entire idea of a winter vest really doesn’t make a lot of sense does it?” The man’s family has said that he and his vest will be cremated next Tuesday and Chenowith Hills Funeral Home on East Main St. near the Dairy Queen.

THE END.

And now, yet another <600 word count minimum bonus word count pad story. Brought to you by the good people at Vocal.media. Vocal dot media, if you aint got that 600 word shit, expand upon your ideas and mother fuckin resubmit.

The Blue and the Grey

Grayson had just shit himself. This happens from time to time with young children who are potty training. Unfortunately for his mother the shit had erupted from his diapers and gotten into the carpet in his room. Little Grayson was crying, after all nobody wants to be walking around with crap in their pants. Mom was almost in tears too. Shit on her baby and all over the room. Young mothers have an incredible ability to multitask. It comes with the territory. She consoled and changed her crying son while simultaneously scrubbing and cleaning fecal matter out of the carpet. It was truly an incredible site to behold.

Blue and grey are two colors and young Grayson, the kid who just shit his pants, has a special affinity for these colors. Grey, Grayson, a bit on the nose I know but as with many things it turns out this was just a happenstance, a coincidence if you will. Kid Grayson, the self shitter was slowly turning blue and grey. At this point you are probably thinking all of this is bullshit right?

Grayson’s head was slowly turning blue. From the neck down his body had begun to turn a shade of grey. No it was not the shit staining him, his skin actually was turning grey. Crazy right? Blue and grey don’t really match. At the precise point of intersection a line could be seen. The little dude was bi-colored, literally. His mom and dad tried to hide it at first. They dressed him up in turtleneck shirts and sweaters. Of course his blue head was still just a little bit odd but at least he matched.

Like all kids Grayson eventually grew up. His life was harder than most. He was taunted and teased, bullied and beaten for being different. He survived it though. Even went to college, got a degree in finance, and ended up working for a big multinational corporation. Affirmative action works it seems. When you are one of a kind the world is an awfully mean place but it can also be good, from time to time.

One day a ship appeared in the skies above the city where Grayson lived and worked. The people of earth panicked. Grayson smiled. The aliens on that ship looked just like him. Blue heads and grey bodies. They brought him in and left as suddenly as they had appeared. His mother and father cried.

When that ship appeared I shit myself too.

satire

Everyday Junglist

Research scientist (Ph.D. micro/molecular biology), Thought middle manager, Everyday junglist, Selecta (Ret.), Boulderer, Cat lover, Fish hater

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