Welcome to my mind...Heartbroken & Healing

Welcome to my mind…
December 1 . 2022

I’ve realized through this process that, I do have to do it alone, at least at this present moment. But sometimes, it is hard doing it alone. Going through a heartbreak and a healing journey all at once, having so many conflicting emotions. I have ups and downs and days where I feel like I’m in neutral. Sometimes I do wish that the few people I do know would reach out on their own, without me having to bring it up myself. It’ll be nice to be asked “how are you doing?” I know that most of the time I put on a front, and a face that works all to well, but sometimes I cant keep it up, sometimes it crumbles. And I’ve been crumbling while picking up the pieces again and putting them back in the right spots. I know this is just for me alone to go through to be comfortable with just myself and my own happiness, cure me of self-doubt and self-sabotage, and my fear of success and so much more, especially in relationships, especially as of recently. I know you have to learn yourself and love yourself to really be happy. Maybe that’s what happens when your in relationships so often your so busy learning someone else you just forget about yourself, because relationships have just become your identity. And I’ve lost myself but I see that I am finding myself, and I do feel a little different. Its just hard because sometimes, you want a little check-in, sometimes you jus want to know you matter especially when you feel alone, despite a front you may put on. Because, this is hard it isn’t easy. And I know I’m healing and hurting, its such a complex thing. But somehow I know something beautiful will come of it.

I honestly don’t know how I know that something beautiful will come out of this, I guess I can just feel it and today has been a mix of an up day and a down day for me, but I welcomed it all. Sometimes I wish it would be one constant feeling, but what would I learn from that? Because the love I lost was so great and this doesn’t compare to my first love at all, because I silently hope things will work out, I as for it everyday. But I also know that I do have to be prepared for it not to come back, but I have hope, but I know I have to be realistic too. Why does this have to be so heavy? Why cant I just let it go? Why do I love so hard, but somehow mess it up? But I know it’ll all be okay. Sometimes I feel so complex and all over the place but, I feel as if I were simple I wouldn’t have the life or the lessons I’m learning now and it wouldn’t be as colorful.

Through all of this, my main goal, my main desire is to be happy, and myself again, because I’ve lost her so many years ago and I now she’s been trying to scratch the surface. I guess with this feeling in my gut, my gut instinct that I’m finally learning to trust is onto something, my heart knows it, I can feel it in my soul, as cheesy as it sounds. Its just getting my mind on board and finally releasing all of the negativity and toxicity I’ve been holding onto this for far too long and its finally time to let go.

Because I know something , beautiful will come…