Welcome to my mind- Is there hope ... or am I being too hopeful?

Welcome to my mind :
Is There Hope or… Am I Being too Hopeful…?

Also December 1 2022.

My mind has been at a constant race, but its also been having more calm days. This has been the roughest heartbreak. But this heartbreak, has made me learn so much. And what I have to change in myself, to be better for myself and not to keep sabotaging myself, and hopefully I’ll be better for you too, once I’m happy again and see the change. I’ve held onto so many things from the past and its blinded me in so many ways and blinded me from a love, lost a love that I’ve always wanted, and I’m hoping to regain that love one day.

I’ve been learning to be a better communicator, which is one of my biggest issues. And I need to be able to communicate no matter how hard it may be. I cant keep pulling away, because I thought it was the best thing to do and to solve the situation at hand, but pulling away isn’t always the answer. I’m not used to communicating because I haven’t really done it before. For me, once I start to trust you I begin to open up to you slowly, guess I’m like a cat in that aspect. And the crazy thing is I was beginning to trust but I was broken at the same time and I felt like, it wasn’t enough, its just that I needed time and if that time was given then maybe.

I was already low, when I was made to feel lower, especially by the person that I so deeply love, and that’s when I became a shell and withdrawing just taking pieces away. Feeling shattered especially by your words and my own circling in my head, I just felt that you really felt that way for me and I crumbled. Although I felt like this for the longest, since that moment somehow, some way I still deeply loved, and still do love you. I try to forget you but I can’t, I cry about us all the time, I wished many times I could show you that I still want this, us to work and I still miss you and I hope you feel the same way too.

While I was mentally and emotionally battling myself while simultaneously projecting onto you all my hurt and pain, and the expectation of something bad happening, it took over and I didn’t completely see you, when you were going through your pain because I was so consumed with mine, and I was pulling away, I was also causing harm to you – with no intention to, a part of me didn’t want to make you sad by talking about it, but I could’ve been there in other ways and I wasn’t and im sorry. Just like I needed you to be there for me during my lowest, you needed me now and I wasn’t there, because I was too busy in my head. And I’m so sorry. I know this is why I have to be more vocal not just for my own sake but for you too, be more present and I wish I was because, I as hurting you and your someone that I didn’t want to hurt.

This pain is so hard to focus on, one day I’m fine, the next I’m sad or bleh. I know while going through this heartbreak, I’m also healing, and healing the inner child in me. I honestly didn’t expect it to be this hard, I’m usually over things quickly, but you, I cant get over quickly. This was way to real, way to genuine and passionate of a love to just let go, and that’s why I’m fighting.

I know we are both hurt, and going through this journey, I hope it really does lead us back together, I really do. I’ve felt so many things since we’ve last broken up and I wanted you back, but I couldn’t not until I was healed and you as well, because I didn’t want to end up in this pain or confusion because with you I want so many things to be right I know things aren’t perfect, I even have tattoo on me in order to remind me, and I think of us, it reminds me love isn’t prefect.

I just know, that we do go well together and we just gotta work on this kink, this double knot, because there were so many good times, but we had very bad times all because of not communicating and understanding.

I saw you a few days ago, and you have no idea how happy I was to see you but so nervous, because I was going to let you in, let you in emotionally, let you know I’m still in love with you, that I still want to be with you, that I never stopped wanting those things, let you know what’s wrong with me and why its so hard, but I’ve been noticing a change since we broke up, I’ve been communicating better, just the person I really had to communicate with was you, so you know how I really felt. Although I know you didn’t want to see me, you did anyway and I’m so grateful for that. And I hope you see and hear the love I still have because, I want to fight for us because I want to give you the love, you think you wont have anymore, because I do know I have the kinda love you want to have and keep in your life, if your willing to give us that chance.

I know I shouldn’t have my hopes high but I do have hope, a hope for a love that will always bring me to a smile. And something for certain, that I’ve learned recently, not just from being apart from each other, but our talk helped more than I thought it would and I’m glad we were able to speak freely to one another, which could be a sign of something good to come, we really do have to talk more and understand each other, then its in the bag babe, we’d be on top and finally ourselves…

Is there still hope… or am I being too hopeful?