The Art of the (Good) Apology

I was 21 before I learned how to apologise. Properly.

I can even pinpoint the exact day it happened. Following a typical and very heated argument with my sister, she had shouted at me “You know what, Kayleigh? You’re really sh*t at apologising” before storming off to her room.

This had come after I (knowing that I was wrong) spat out a rather petulant “sorry” her way. I had upset her. Not on purpose, but I had. Right now I have no idea what I had said or done but that is inconsequential to this story. The point is that I was wrong. I knew I was wrong. And yet still I couldn’t apologise.

The words were right there on the tip of my tongue. I knew that I should apologise. I wanted to apologise. And yet all that escaped my lips was a sorry that sounded more like a bullet of sarcasm than anything authentic.

Those words she threw my way in return cut deeply and I couldn’t shake them off. Because I knew she was right. And my ego was really, really struggling with that.

So, in my desperation to never be told such a hurtful thing ever again (!), I decided that I would become the best at apologies. I would become so darn amazing at apologies that no one could ever again accuse me of being sh*t.

(Notice - this was is still my ego in full control here!! The ego always seeks to be “the best” and to protect it’s self image. However, this story served as an example of how we can embark on a path for all the wrong reasons, but later on that path alter those reasons to being for love and virtue. We all have to start somewhere!)

And so I googled how to apologise well. I was actually comforted to realise that this was a common search and there was masses of literature on the topic. It seemed my ego and I weren’t alone in the world after all!

I pursued my course of study like anyone would approach a university essay. I read, researched and took notes from a wide range of sources and all angles of the topic. Soon I was down the rabbit hole and into a new world of psychology, philosophical debates and beliefs about virtue and the purpose of life. I was reading about others who had overcome their inability to apologise and I learned that at the root of it all, was fear.

Growing up in an environment where it was not safe to be wrong for fear of being hit, verbally attacked, mocked or imprisoned in my bedroom had a far more detrimental effect on me than I could even begin to process at that time. Reading about others who had similar life experiences and suffered similar outcomes was already softening something within me.

As soon as I understood that at the heart of my inability to apologise was fear; that defensive and on edge part of me relaxed. It seemed that in labelling this ‘tension’ and severe resistance to apologising had a profound impact on me. An immediate impact. Perhaps the tension was also fuelled by my own subconscious judgement that if I couldn’t apologise, I must be a bad person / just like the people who hurt me and never apologised.

Reading about others who not only related to me, but had recovered from this brought a spark of hope back into me. If they could change this, then so could I!

And so I did. I pushed beyond my ego’s attempts to silence me when opportunities to practice apologising arose. And soon enough, apologising became not some difficult task, but enjoyable. As I began to see the immediate and positive impact I could have on a situation through offering my genuine empathy and apology, it started to become second nature. The ego soon took a backseat because I grew so relaxed and sincere about apologising and it always gifted positive results.

what makes a bad apology?

So before pitching the ideal apology, let’s first begin with what definitely doesn’t work and has the effect of breaking relationships.

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1st Place goes to the “I’m sorry IF…..”

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The moment you put the word IF into an apology like this, you are immediately telling the other person that;

1. you don’t believe that they are hurt
2. you don’t care that they are upset
3. you haven’t listened or understood why they are upset
4. you are minimising their hurt
5. whatever you say next is 💯 about you defending yourself
6. you are not concerned with repairing the relationship

It will make absolutely no difference what you follow these words with - the damage is already done.

Never, ever use them!

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2nd Place goes to the “I’m really / truly / so sorry……… BUT…….”

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There is no BUT. If you are truly sorry, you are truly sorry. You can manage to completely ruin a perfect apology with this one word. It tells the other person;

1. you are not sorry
2. everything you just said before this word, you don’t actually mean
3. you are still trying to justify the hurt you caused (and there is no justifying that)
4. your need to protect your ego is more important than repairing our relationship or the damage your words / actions / inaction inflicted

This one word can be a surprisingly hard habit to break out of as it is so commonly said. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but you did x, y, z and that’s why I hurt you” is not an apology!

If you are blaming the other for your reaction, you are most definitely in an ego defence program (“I’m not the bad person, you are, you made me do it”).

Are you in control of your self or are you not? Can anyone other than you be made responsible for your reactions? Your reactions are about you, not anyone else.

Perhaps my later work in mental health wards really helped to hammer home this point for me. We could have patients verbally attack us, spit on us (thankfully this did not happen to me, but it did to my colleagues), physically attack us. We did not retaliate and then later tell the patient “Well I’m sorry I hit you, but you hit me first”.

We were in control of our reactions.

If you allow someone to push you to a breaking point where you snap back at them and act in a way you are not proud of - that is all on you. Your lack of boundaries. Your lack of awareness. Your actions, and words are your responsibility. There is no excusing them so never, ever try to. If you act poorly towards any other human, you have made the mistake.

Unless you wish to go through life being easily manipulated into reacting negatively, you must learn to control your reactions to them. If you are waiting for a perfect situation before becoming loving and kind, you will never be that person. You must be the change. You must be the example of grace that others seek to follow. You must become so aware that you are able to see the venom of others as not being about you, but about them and their internal state.

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3rd Place goes to the insincere apology.

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This covers almost every other kind of inauthentic, ‘bad’ apology there is. The one that is empty and hollow. The one that is mere lip service. The one that’s angry. The one that is said and sounded sincere enough but if the topic later arises the person immediately becomes defensive and uses their past apology as some kind of ammunition. The one that turns into an attack on you if you don’t immediately accept it.

There is also the apology that is completely over the top and lacking in authenticity. The one that is so dripping in fake emotion that you feel infected after it’s showered over you. The kind of apology that is all about the person giving it. Their air of superficiality is usually more painful to witness than whatever they actually did in the first place.

so what makes a good apology?

I discovered that the following are the essential main components to a good apology. Although google will offer you plenty more these are the absolute basic and necessary foundations that form a solid apology. Master these. Anything beyond this is a bonus for the person you are apologising to.

No doubts at all about this being number 1.

SINCERITY

If you are not genuinely sorry, do not attempt to apologise. Just, don’t!

The other person will immediately feel it and the interaction will only serve to further sever the connection you have. You must find a way to connect to something vulnerable and genuine within you in order for an apology to have a positive impact on the other person and the relationship you seek to repair.

Those last three words are also key.

Your overriding goal should be a strong desire to repair the relationship (otherwise, why bother at all?). And if this goal is genuine and at the heart of your apology, regardless of what words you say, you will make it work. It goes without saying a genuine desire for repair would include self defence.

Analyse the situation again. Ensure you do so once calm. Breathe. Shake out tension from your body. Imagine watching you and the other through a pane of glass and watch the scene play again with a cup of tea in hand.

Now, instead on focussing on how you felt in the situation, this is where you get to focus only on the other person. You know how you feel already. You can validate that yourself. If you the other feels owed an apology, can you see why? Is their perspective unreasonable? If so, why? What is behind it?

What is going on with them? Why are they [insert word] ? Did they over-react (to your perspective)? Every situation is unique so this is all about using your own reasoning ability and understanding.

The bottom line ought to be that if a person that you care for is hurting, helping to soothe that hurt is a priority. Perhaps they do appear to be over reacting to something you said or did, perhaps your intention was good and you feel hurt by the outcome being the opposite of what you intended. Either way, something has happened to them that has made them this reactive.

Many people are have triggers you couldn’t possibly have known about. And that realisation should make it extremely easy to put that ego aside and soothe them.

“Jane, I am so sorry. My intention was to make you laugh, I didn’t intend for to upset you. I hope you can trust this and forgive me “.

In an apology like this you are clearly acknowledging and validating (vital components) that Jane is upset, you are not downplaying that by telling her she shouldn’t be upset or is overreacting (even if part of you still thinks so). Acknowledging the other persons emotional state is vital to them feeling heard, respected, cared about (loved).

You are not saying “but” and trying to excuse yourself but you are clearly affirming to her that there was no malice in your actions. You are appealing to her to extend trust and believe you, just as you are believing her reaction and asking for forgiveness whilst not pressurising her to give it.

Perhaps this may have to be repeated. It all depends on the situation and level of hurt. If your desire is truly to help lift that person again and help them return to a happier version of themselves, this will feel easy and natural to do (perhaps after a few practices).

Often the harder apologies are when we know that we said something to hurt that person and we regret saying it. Perhaps in a moment of anger (we always come to regret what we say in anger) or distraction. Perhaps we opened our mouths without really thinking.

I once worked with a nurse who met her son’s girlfriend for the first time and upon learning she is a yoga teacher immediately said “is that even a real job?”. She hadn’t intended to be hurtful. But whatever way you look at it the question wasn’t based in kindness.

She knew at the time she shouldn’t have said that, she didn’t even know where it came from. The words escaped her lips faster than her brain engaged. And then she couldn’t apologise. The rest of the dinner was awkward and she had inadvertently created a rift in this new relationship and the one with her son.

How could she have handled this?

By telling the truth. We are often as scared of telling the truth and admitting ignorance as we are of apologising. And yet that all that was needed here to repair the damage and to bring the relationships closer. If she had been able to say something like;

“I’m so sorry. I really don’t know why I said that. That sounded so rude. I hope you can forgive me.”

What a different experience that dinner would have been. Just 21 words to completely restore relations. Yet she couldn’t.

Let’s not be those people!

Number 2 had to go to

OWNING RESPONSIBIITY

I started to cover this in the last section. Even if you didn’t intend to hurt another, it’s important to recognise that the result of what you said, did or didn’t say or do has had a detrimental impact.

Now this of course takes some common sense also. If my partner is crying because I didn’t fold his sock correctly when I did him the favour of putting them away, I would probably be first inclined to think wtf, this is not my fault, and a completely unjustified overreaction. Next time I won’t bother putting his bloomin’ socks away!

Right?

Well yes. You would be “right” to think this but do pause to question what your values are. Is being right more important than being kind?? More important than soothing a person you claim to care about? Or even just responding to any upset person? If you saw a stranger crying you don’t first try to establish whether they ought to be crying before offering support. You just offer support. And for all you know, they could be crying over unfolded socks (superficially speaking 😉).

Again, something my mental health background taught me was to always respond to the person and not the behaviour. If a person is crying over a sock not being folded, you can be darn sure it has nothing to do with the sock.

In such a situation - simply reach for authenticity, for the responsibility here is not with you.

“Sweetheart, I am so sorry you are so upset. Can I offer you a hug? How can I best support you right now?”

In such an apology you are not taking on responsibility for something that you can’t authentically take responsibility for, but you are validating the persons emotional state and offering your support. Tone is vital here. If you are not speaking from a genuine connection to your heart this could easily sound patronising or insincere, which will of course do more damage.

Later is the time to talk this over in depth and get to the core issue at play but in the moment a person is hurting - respond to the hurting.

asking for forgiveness

I touched upon this already, but this is an important and often overlooked component of an apology. One which must be made without expectation of forgiveness. If you are genuinely caring about the other person you will not be pressuring them to work through their emotions at a pace that is suited to you. You will wait patiently whilst until they are ready to forgive you.

The difficulty of forgiveness is one which plagued humanity and is complex. It can be correlated to the level of perceived pain and the person’s resilience levels (to name but two important factors). Oftentimes forgiveness seems too great for people to manage. Sometimes people become attached to their anger, because it makes the feel powerful. These people prefer to remain angry and ignore any evidence that may soothe them, such as your intention.

(I do mean this literally. The chemicals like adrenaline released during an anger episode can take a person from feeling vulnerable and in fear - to powerful. Often they do not want to return to feeling vulnerable so they will seek out reasons to top up their anger. It is a common addiction evident everywhere if you really look).

So if you are sorry, be sorry, express you are sorry and request forgiveness. Part of this process means that you must have already forgiven yourself. If you haven’t forgiven yourself, it is likely the other will also struggle to. Do that work! Not for them, but for you.

And honestly? That’s all you can do. If you have truly put your heart into an apology and it is rejected - be okay with that. It is okay. It’s okay that sometimes people can’t forgive us. It’s okay that sometimes we make mistakes and accidentally upset others. It happens. You know your story better than anyone. You know your whys. You know what’s in your heart.

Try to get used to normalising being ‘wrong’. Because you know what is wonderful about being wrong? It means there is a better way and you are about to learn it and never make this error again. You in the process of upgrading. Wouldn’t you rather upgrade than remain an old, outdated and faulty model that no one wants to interact with?

Try to normalise saying “I don’t know why I said or did that” if you don’t know why you said or did something. People respond to vulnerability and authenticity above all else. They don’t care if you aren’t ‘woke’ or have all the answers to why you do the things you do, or even that you make mistakes. They care about honest communication and not being left to guess why you did or said something.

If you feel bad for something you did - just say it. If you don’t know why you did it - say that! Work it out together. There is no surer way to get someone back onside with you than to soften and be vulnerable and honest. It’s the Golden Key to the relationship of your dreams. Pretending to be perfect and refusing to own your mistakes is most definitely not.

apologising to angry people

This is different. And yet the same.

I know, I know. How can that be possible.

The first rule here is to ensure your safely. If someone is angry, you have every right to protect yourself first even if that means to turn your back and walk away. No matter how attached you are or how much you care for the person it is important to know that you are often only enabling that person’s angry behaviour / reactions by remaining in the situation or conversation. Especially if that anger is unwarranted and becoming abusive. In such situations walking away is almost always the best choice.

However, every situation is unique. I have learned over the years that I have a particular skill for calming angry people and diffusing situations that could have turned violent. And to do that you need to be able to fully drop your ego and to go 💯 into authenticity and all of the above, using repetition of words like “I’m sorry. Talk to me. I want to understand. Help me understand.” in the correct tone. Firm but not aggressive. Soft but not meek. Showing understanding but not fawning or pandering. Remaining utterly calm yourself is vital.

Other situations warrant a change of scenery. Something so simple but effective. Are you at home arguing with your partner? The energy of your house will be angry and you are both immersed in it. Get out. Break it up.

“I am so sorry we are back to fighting like this. This is not what I want. I want to understand where you are coming from. Can we drive to the beach / go for a walk / and talk there?”

Relationships are the single most important thing we have in life. Let’s keep repair at the top of our priority list and let go of the need to blame, attack or minimise another’s feelings. Let’s validate when another is upset and offer support. Let’s apologise for any part we played (but specifically mention your part… generalising “I’m so sorry for everything” is inauthenticity) and let’s build relationships that our children aspire to have.