The Acid Trip to Hell #3

PART 3 OF 6

21:55

It began to get really cold so we dried off and continued walking along the river. Theresa decided to immediately recommence her persecution of me. I was surprised the LSD hadn't mellowed her out some. Her newest thing was to see if I could find my way back to Elia's without their direction. I decided to take it in good humour (thinking this would help her to stop feeling so damn threatened by me). I laughed and said sure, if you dont mind an adventure to get there as I'm not exactly sure I can remember the way back.

However, the constant repeat of "Which way now, Kayleigh?" in her irritating drawl was wearing on my nerves very quickly. I honestly couldn't figure out what this girl's problem was (I know I keep saying girl but I refuse to acknowledge someone so cruel and childish as a woman).

23:00

We found another place by the river where I suggested stopping as I needed to roll a cigarette or ten to get through this. Elia began playing with the Pois that Theresa had brought with her. Which was another strange 'coincidence' as this was something Rohan has showed me only days ago and I had been looking up the cost of them on amazon.

Theresa kept pushing me to try them and it was becoming more challenging to keep responding calmly to her. I declined, saying I wouldn’t know what to do with them. She made some comment about wishing she wasn’t such a perfectionist and could just play like Elia was playing. Again, this was so clearly said for my benefit as two minutes later she was playing with them herself (and bear in mind they are hers!).

I'm getting seriously fucking sick of being given 'advice' by these people who know nothing about me. These kind of indirect comments really anger me and I’ve been getting hit with them ever since I arrived in Germany. I would be playing if I wasn't acutely aware of being in her judgemental energy field.

It doesn't feel safe to play when someone is constantly and negatively criticising me. She has such a coldness around her that is so far from putting people at ease to be themselves. She does not send out signals of someone who is warm, empathetic or caring, which of course does not endear me to feeling safe around her. If people do not feel safe, they retreat further into themselves, rather than become relaxed. Some doctor she will make! Fucking hell.

At some point during that hour at the river and quite out of nowhere, Theresa fires the question (or should I say judgement) at me “Have you not thought about going to therapy?”. I said that actually I had in the past but I was discharged after a session. The psychologist felt there was nothing she could help me with as I already had insight into the reasons for my problems and it was a complete waste of my time. I didn't feel that had changed. Paying some stranger to tell me that everything will be fine didn't really do anything positive for my mental state anyhow.

I had worked in mental health long enough to know just how fucked up the staff actually are. Everyone was just winging it in this life it seemed. I had enough knowledge (and was continually seeking more) to be my own therapist. What I actually needed was not fucking therapy. I needed people like her to back the fuck off me.

I needed people to stop telling me what I should feel, how I should feel, when I should feel. What was appropriate, what was not appropriate. I needed people who had no fucking idea about what I was going through, or had gone through, to STOP telling me how badly I was handling it. If the world had less people like her in it people wouldn’t need fucking therapy.

How old was she anyway? This young woman who had lived her whole life with mummy and daddy there to back her up. Maybe there were some arguments in the house from time to time. Maybe her needs were neglected somewhat. Maybe she feels a little lonely at times. Unsupported etc. Oh boo fucking hoo. How she must have suffered.

Can she relate to being locked in a room with only one exit and an angry animal threatening to break your neck the second you try to leave? Being repeatedly emotionally abused through almost every relationship she ever had? Abandoning her own dreams for a friend diagnosed with 'terminal' cancer. Putting up with months of abuse from that same friend in order to try to support her and instil in her that she was not going to die?

For that same friend to then always talk about how the only support she had is her boyfriend - when I was the one there for her every step of the way? And of course the best part of all? Being subjected to a barrage of her abuse when I said I was returning to Sri Lanka, being told how utterly selfish I was. How I should be helping my dad through his cancer not "running away to fuck random guys".

She broke my heart with her cruelty. They all broke my fucking heart. Proving repeatedly how little they knew me. Proving repeatedly that my love was not appreciated even though it was so clear how much it helped them. Even though it had saved her fucking life.

I had a lifetime of reasons to be angry - yet I chose to be loving. I chose to be understanding. I chose to listen to others. To try to understand behaviour that seemed to be incomprehensible. I chose not to be like those I saw around me. I chose not to act like them. And the times when I failed? When I acted in ways I was not proud of? I made apologies. Sincere apologies. How was it that I was constantly surrounded by those who were the absolute opposite of me?? Was there really no one else like me walking this earth? Was everyone really this disconnected from empathy and understanding? How was this possible??

23:35 We begin walking back with me directing our route. Most of it I recognise until, well, I don't. By this point Theresa is openly laughing and taunting me as if I exist only for her personal fucking amusement. I refused to respond unkindly because that's not who I am but she was becoming increasingly difficult to tolerate.

When I eventually called game over - knowing that I had taken us the wrong way, she refused it. "No, no, keep going". This is where I became stern and say no, I'm done with this. Elia stepped in and took us back to the house.

They spoke in German the entire way and I was back to wishing myself somewhere else. Anywhere else. I was so sick of feeling like some insignificant afterthought around these people. And it was seriously fucking triggering that I didn’t know what was being said right in front of me.

00:25

When we got to the house I immediately went to the courtyard to get away from them both. I say both - but it was Theresa I wanted to get away from. She had managed to make what should have been a relaxed and nice evening under the stars into something stressful and devoid of any fun whatsoever.

I remember taking a deep breath and 'sweeping' my energy field clean of her just as my Reiki teacher had taught. It helped somewhat but I knew I needed to shower. Her toxicity was like thick, dark fog that had engulfed me completely. I felt glad that I had managed to remain kind in my interaction with her but I realise that I took the wrong approach completely.

Years ago my ex husband had told me that you have to "nip it in the bud" with people like that. Show them you're not going to accept their shit Kayleigh. The irony didn't escape me now in that his advice was in fact about how to deal with people like himself. Which of course had meant that he was right. I had tried kindness and openness and it hadn't worked. It ended up feeling like self-betrayal as she just seemed to get worse and worse rather than better. I will never understand these types of people and their cruelty.

I shook off the bad feeling I had and instead tuned into the gorgeous starry night above my head. I had been messaging Rohan on the walk back to the house to try to keep my sanity. He was being nice, thankfully, which I was very much in need of. He called me and we chatted for a while. It’s at this point of the night that I start to have some patchiness in my memory.

I offloaded my frustration re Theresa and felt instantly better as Rohan had the same reaction I did (as opposed to denying my reality and telling me “that didn't happen, you must have got her wrong” like I was becoming used to from everyone). I think if he had responded this way I would have lost it completely. I was grateful for feeling understood and listened to. Which in turn made me feel bad for doubting his heart.

He can be so kind and I really want to believe that's who he is deep inside. All of this other ego bullshit is clearly not him. When he’s like this I feel closer to him and really wish to be back in Sri Lanka. I really hope that his behaviour from before is going to just be another bad memory to forget. I pray he stays kind like this.

I remember trying to explain how I felt. It was as if I had become separate from time. Detached from it. Outside of it. I understood that time is a layer upon this shared reality everyone has but I wasn't part of it at that moment. I looked to the stars and to the scene around me; the red bricked courtyard, abandoned bicycles, overgrown grass, clothes lines. It all seemed like a movie set. Nothing seemed real. Rohan stopped understanding me at this point and his mocking tone shut me down from sharing anymore.

I decided to risk going inside to shower as I really needed to pee by this point, only to discover I was locked out. I phoned Elia repeatedly but to no answer. I knocked loudly and again, no answer. I started seriously looking around for anywhere that I could relieve myself but it was a courtyard and it was so open. The whole place was surrounded by windows, which was a realisation that brought with it the fear of being watched or having cameras on me from any of them. How easy it would be.

Thankfully they eventually heard me banging and let me in. As we came in the house I told Elia that I really needed to shower. She replies “of course” and then immediately goes into the bathroom and locks the door. Deep breaths. Perhaps she just needs the toilet quickly? Why did I not say that? That’s actually my priority over showing. The warmth of the flat is giving slight reprieve to the urgent need and I think I can hold it.

As I'm waiting I become aware that my hands are freezing and I say to Theresa I'm going to make tea to indicate that I need her to move (she is standing in the doorway to the kitchen). She tells me the kettle has just boiled and walks over to it. She asks what kind of tea do I want and then pours out a cup for herself only. She stands blocking the path to the kettle and starts asking me questions again.

I'm instantly pissed off. Even when I voice my needs in actual words it's like these people go out of their way to block me from meeting them. Actually it’s not like that. It IS that. This is exactly the sort of shit I'm referring to when I say I feel like I'm being constantly tested.

And I'm the one who then ends up questioning if I being paranoid and if this all in my head when it’s so clearly not. Am I really to believe that these people are so obtuse that they hear me say I need this and they, what? Forget? In the very same second I ask they just happen to accidentally take what I need for themselves? How is there any possible way I can believe this is not being done on purpose????????????

I mean, my imagination is pretty fucking good. I can argue the case for almost anyone to being innocent of almost anything. So much so that it actually irritates people. It wasn't that long ago Jason was pissed off that I was trying to expand his compassion towards some ex girlfriend of his who cheated on him like 30 years ago. But this situation is way beyond my creativity. I literally JUST TOLD THEM WHAT I NEEDED and they instantly block me from having it. Both of them.

I politely ask Theresa to let me past to get to the kettle. She tries to ignore my request and started talking loudly over me, asking me to send her the photos from the river. I repeat myself. Firmly. She moves with some false apologetic air that I completely ignore and I pick up the kettle, excited to finally warm my hands.

It's empty.

Of course it's fucking empty.

Deep breaths. I fill it and turn it on, whilst trying to ignore how claustrophobic I felt in this tiny kitchen with her balshy energy overwhelming mine. I really want to get out of of here and I seriously need to pee. I was on the verge of peeing myself outside, and that now felt like hours ago. Is that what they were hoping for? For me to fucking pee myself?