I feel more alone when I’m scrolling on my phone

What does it mean to be depressed and high-functioning? I learned in 2020, in the midst of feeling stuck in a cycle of overeating because I feel bad and then feeling bad for overeating, that I fell into the category of people who are sad yet can perform regular societal duties. I can keep a job, be social, go grocery shopping, take my dog out, make plans, keep plans (surprisingly), and check up on my friends and family. I could give a lot of myself and feel like my heart is so full, and at the same time feel deeply sad and empty. I was good at distracting myself with a Netflix binge or spending way too much money on dinner and drinks with a friend. I could be the funny one in the group I’m with, and later that same night curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.

Recently, my sister (who’s basically been my therapist since I was 15) and I have been talking about being more intentional with our energy and who we give that energy to.

There are people who will absolutely drain your social, and sometimes emotional, battery. There are also people who will re-energize you, socially, emotionally, and spiritually.

My sister is an energizer type. This is why we have 4 hour FaceTime chats and countless talks in the driveway - sitting in her car late on a chilly night, and she had to keep letting the car run to keep us warm while we talked about our family, past traumas, God, the future, and how to navigate through life.

It made me realize something that’s so important to me and what keeps me going: having these face to face, one on one times with her and the awesome people in my life is so meaningful each time. I think having a fruitful conversation about so many different things has made me realize how very much alone I feel when I’m disconnected. When I say disconnected, I’m talking about disconnection from the real world and real life things happening around me.

When I am engrossed in deep conversation with someone, we are not looking at our phones. This is no surprise to anyone but social media is becoming more and more of a poison, slowly disconnecting and separating us from having real human connections with each other. We forgot how to talk to each other and engage in meaningful conversation. People seem too busy posting on the internet for clout, and a really weird thing to me is people recording themselves crying so they can post it to social media to be more “real” and “relatable.” Call me old fashioned, but when I cry, the last thing I want to do is grab my iPhone and record myself - and even worse, publish it online. (Maybe this helps other people feel better? But what is the point of doing that? I don’t understand, but I digress.)

All of us are looking for a deeper connection with others, with ourselves, with God - and trust me, everyone has a “God”.

Whatever you prioritize the most is what you serve and what you serve is your master.

I hate to say it but my phone is my master right now. It’s the first thing I look at when I wake up and the last thing I look at before bed. I obsessively scroll Instagram and waste countless hours, some days just opening and closing the app, scrolling away…

I know I need to break free from it because I can see myself heading down a direction of soon becoming so wrapped up in my own alone-ness that I forget the real me, the person I used to be. As I write this I’m starting to ponder, was that young me really me, who had potential to be something outstanding if she tried harder, or was she just a naive girl, helplessly distracted by friends and the city night life? I’m realizing how some small bad patterns have crept their way into becoming a bad habit that I can’t seem to shake.

Social media is truly like a drug. I know that sounds corny but whatever, it’s true. You get high off of likes and comments and attention, you feel connected, but it’s short-lived. Did you ever notice how the action of scrolling and being overstimulated with videos and pictures, is similar to what a slot machine at a casino does to you? I went to Vegas recently with my fiance and learned that this was designed that way – it’s addicting on purpose.

While it’s important to seek out connection with others, I personally believe we should be able to have fruitful conversations with people in person. Humans were not meant to be isolated from one another, especially with a screen in front of our faces 24/7.

If you take anything from this, it’s that it’s important to take a social media break – a real one – and take time to disconnect from all of the unhealthy overstimulation from it. It is easier said than done, I get it. However in order to have some sense of balance and focus on the things that matter, put down the tech for just a little while. (For example, I have started limiting “screen time” at night before bed, I used to scroll Instagram endlessly before bed but this made me more awake and unsettled.) So maybe you can prioritize the things that matter in your life, discover new things that help you thrive, and grow relationships with those you love and care about.

Coming to the reality that I am depressed and high-functioning was a wake up call for me. I learned that I didn’t have to just accept this about myself, but instead I could do things to build a better habit, turning it into a routine, and ultimately a healthier lifestyle. It’s not going to just happen overnight of course, and I know it’ll be hard to push myself to do things to step outside of this depressed/high-functioning box. It starts with small steps, and I want to encourage you and let you know if you’re like me, well, you’re not alone. We don’t have to stay complacent and live the same life over and over. Even if it’s something as small as the task of making your bed every morning (I started doing this!) it can really help where you’re at mentally.

Humans have been distracted for a long time, not just with the rise of social media and technology, but my point is that this is the drug of the 21st century, and it seems to do more harm than good for the most part. When it comes to high-functioning depression, just know this – even though depression can stay with us for a long time and there seems like no way out of it, YOU have the power to change your mindset…and it might just start with baby step #1: putting your phone down. ~