How to mend a broken heart

There are many forms of heartbreak, I will be discussing the heartbreak associated with the separation of a relationship with another human being that you may call your partner or boyfriend or wife. There are also many forms in which your relationships of this nature can come to an end. No matter how things have spiralled outward and ended up breaking, there are several tenets you want to follow to help reduce your suffering and the suffering of the other person.

In an ideal scenario, things end amicably and both parties can see clearly that although they love each other dearly the relationship in its current state will not work due to a myriad of factors. You can choose an almost beautiful goodbye. But that’s an ideal scenario. Even in this situation, there will be the inevitable flood of selfish and needy emotions, the grievance of a loved one, the rejection of a new way of living, and the longing for a person dear to you. You will go through all the stages of grief at the same time, back and forth between them, settling on one and then finding out you are back to where you started. It’s going to be difficult mentally and soulfully, as you most likely prepared and arranged both your dreams, your future and obviously the present with this other person a centre role.

They no longer are, and you will be inclined to continue imagining a future scenario where this person is a part of your life, maybe you end up back together in the future, maybe this was all just a mistake in the first place, maybe you both had some soul searching to do before you could settle into what you were trying to accomplish in the first place. However, most likely this will not happen, the world is vast and now that your semi-determined future has been altered, the web of possibilities spirals outwards in many other directions. What you need to do in this situation is be of service to yourself and the other person so that you can avoid any forms of long-lasting trauma that may sour or poison an otherwise kindred soul.

To start, you need to let go of any idea of who caused what and why and if there may be ulterior motives. Take things as they are, don’t be naive but do not be selfish. Now that one of your foundations has crumbled away, you need to more than ever ensure that you rebuild it from a place of kindness and compassion. That means being available to help and support the other person if they need it. It means apologizing for anything you did wrong in the relationship that caused any suffering to the other person. It means asking if there is something you can do to help them through this difficult time. This is not a time for finger-pointing unless you wish to drag on your suffering and even repeat the same mistakes you made that got you to this place You must instead set your preferences and opinions aside and give back. Nothing is set in stone, people are allowed to change, bad things happen and people make mistakes. Be patient with yourself and kind to the negative inner dialogue that begins to stream through your mind.

Process your guilt and shame and pain by being open and receptive to the world around you. Ask for advice and help from friends and loved ones. If you can, be close to people that care about you, their presence and their love will help mend the bruises on your heart. Cry when you feel like crying, let it out now instead of bottling it up for a future event. It’s not worth holding on to any negative energy as it will only weigh you down like wet clothes and seep your energy slowly as you attempt to progress through the pain. If you have not already been able to forgive what occurred, do so now. Forgiveness, just like kindness is available at a moment's notice. Inevitably you want to forgive this person and maybe even yourself for what went on, and you may imagine a time in the future in which this forgiveness will naturally occur. Do not wait for that time, forgive now in this very moment.

Remake yourself. This means taking care of your health both mentally and physically. Start exercising and building strength in your body, start meditating and spend quality time with your own thoughts. Accept some resources into your life from people you admire and allow the wisdom of other people to help you to navigate the new shade of the person that will be born out of the person you already are. Choose an interest or a hobby or an idea that you have always wanted to put energy into and start giving it time and thought.

Spend time by yourself doing activities, whether that is hiking or painting or travelling or singing or writing or pottery. It doesn’t matter what you do, just choose something to go up against that requires some planning and some effort. This will allow you to see that you can build yourself back up, that all it takes is action and energy and although at times you may still be stricken with an overwhelming sense of loss and longing for this person, you can slowly start to see what a life without them will inevitably look like. You can come to the slow realization that it’s not so bad after all.

Don’t add drama to your life. If things are becoming complicated, now is the time to step away. Keep it simple. Take it one day at a time and if still that is too much emotion, take it one hour at a time. Record your thoughts, either on paper or in voice. If you need to, write a letter to the person you miss, but do not send it, you should not interfere with another persons rebuilding of their own foundations unless they ask for your help. Give them the space they deserve and resign yourself to understanding that your life is different now. Give your thoughts on this matter some space from time to time, and then revisit them by listening or reading the letters you wrote to them and know deep down that you are doing this for yourself. It will help you to realize what is going on deep down in the small child inside you that is only looking for love and belonging.

After a while, you will realize a fair amount of time has passed and if you have been using your time wisely by being unselfish, compassionate and using action to work towards small goals such as becoming a physically healthier person and accomplishing a difficult task or activity, then you will have slowly started to rebuild the foundation that crumbled away. Do not get involved with another person emotionally during this healing period, you have yet to become yourself again or this new person you are moulding yourself into and therefore run the risk of desiring something you actually don’t want, showing a person you don’t want to be, or looking for something you don’t need but think you do.

By now some time has passed, your emotions have started to subside, you can see things more clearly and you can start to appropriately imagine your future again. Being able to dream again without a person that was a previous central figure in your dreams is an important step in healing. Keep a watchful eye over the changes that have occurred inside you and move forward with the positive momentum you have been building.

Do this patiently each and every day and before long you will have filled in all the cracks with the fresh cement that allows you to stand tall again. You will be one part the person you used to be, and one part this new thing that you have forged from these experiences and if you did the healing right, you won’t repeat a lot of the same mistakes you made in the previous relationship and you will have a stronger head on your shoulders to deal with the new mistakes you make in your next relationship.