Just a survivor and her writings. ❤️
Everything is fuzzy My mind is buzzing Taking me back to memories I wish I forgot Do you think we’ll tie the knot? If not with you then I hope not
I was beautiful I was loved Full of life Full of joy Things turn strange Body becomes deranged Every storm cloud rains
Leaves are burnt orange and falling delicately from the trees As I drive carefully from the drug store The song comes on that once made me feel empty
I truthfully believe most people do not understand what love really is. Even people who are married and in long term relationships. I would have never understood love if it wasn’t for you. And when I try to explain what it is that exists between us people often associate my feelings with my BPD. They say it’s romanticized or a fantasy. How can I explain to people that the love between us is the same as any popular romance movie. It’s just like the notebook. These movies are based off some truth. For any screen writer to portray these scenes, to vividly get the point across one has to have experienced something similar. You can’t accurately depict something if you simply cannot understand the feeling. The love certainly exists and everybody thinks I’m crazy, except you. We are the only two people who are completely aware and truly understanding of this bond that lyes between us. It’s unbreakable. It’s strong. And nothing has been able to tear us apart. Not both of our issues with severe mental illnesses. Not your heroin addiction that I’ve been told should make you incapable of really loving me or thinking about me at all. Not even the fights where you purposely say the worst in attempts to push me away or when you trigger me and I’ve made stupid impulsive decisions to get authorities involved. Nothing can keep us apart. Nothing can keep us away from each other. And absolutely nothing can make us fall out of love. It’s that exact feeling of loving someone so much your heart could explode. All these years and the years we have even spent apart due to my mental health and primarily your addiction has not lessened the feelings or changed anything at all. We reconnected after a year and a half and it was as if no time had passed. We seemed as if we were two people that were just speaking yesterday. The truth is one can only understand what we have, what I am expressing to them if they actually do believe it could exist. And unfortunately most people think it’s absurd. And I do understand that there is a high level of absurdity in telling people the love in Nicholas Sparks movies is real. But it’s nothing but true, it certainly does and you and I have it. Back to my original statement that most people don’t know what love is, I also want to state that most people really can’t. To feel real love you need to be a deep person. You need to crave something you feel you have always been missing. You need to have substance and understand darkness and not be scared by it. Because real love is not easy and if it was easy it wouldn’t be real. Without any depth to a person you can’t feel deeply. Two people who both feel very deeply or both capable of deep, genuine love. That is when true love exists. And I try to explain what we have to so many people. To my female cousin who says she has sweeter pet names for her cat than for her boyfriend. And it makes me think of how sad you would be if I was sweeter to our hypothetical pet than you. That would break your heart. And I would feel bad doing that to you. I try to explain it to my male cousin who ran off to pick up heroin on the street from complete strangers due to withdrawals with his wife present. And his wife was not in hysterics, she did not even shed one tear. I am then reminded as to how heart breaking your addiction is for me and how it’s kept us apart. And how if now I was in that situation with you I would have a complete mental break down, cause a huge scene as I’m crying hysterically, screaming in the middle of a congested street in Brooklyn. I try to explain it to my mom who does nothing but fight with my dad. Who has exclaimed his possible death with no sorrow. How she could finally live her life and be free and how she doesn’t love my dad anymore. And maybe I do not know much about stable, long term relationships, especially marriage. However the one thing I know about that nobody else I know does is real love. Because no matter what age I turn. No matter what I go through in life one thing is absolutely clear and certain to me that I would never anticipate your death. As we also don’t just bicker constantly and communicate like we can’t stand each other. Our communication is loving and gentle. And our fights are passionate and intense. We communicate our love and sometimes our feeling of temporary distastefulness at times for each other due to our own issues with mental health with extreme intensity. There’s no in between with true love. We can’t just text and say “Hey, what’s up, what’s new.” We can’t be in each other’s lives and decide to keep a distance between us. It’s really all or nothing. Because we can’t be anything other than loving to each other. Because if we can’t or aren’t making love, or with each other in person expressing our love through petting, affectionate words/actions or playful teasing, then we need to do it through text. We can’t be anything else to each other, we can only be what exists. And what exists is our soul connection. And we can’t fight it. It’s just there and it’s an extremely strong force. Which is why I remained optimistic and still do. I try my hardest not to think about losing you. I don’t want to think of how lethal the drugs you’re using are. How I really could lose you at any moment. If you die, I would die too. In whatever way I pass away, suicide or a broken heart, I cannot live without you. And I certainly could never live in a world where you don’t exist. I cannot imagine the pain that would exist in my heart. I believe love can conquer anything. And I just hold onto the fact that as long as I keep loving you then one day it will help you change. And you slowly have since I’ve met you. Although you don’t come out and say it I know my love has helped you be strong when you felt weak. My love has comforted you when I didn’t even have any idea you were crying. And my love has pushed you to make just these few changes and without me who knows if they would’ve felt worth it. Because in a world where you day after day just always felt like you had nobody I came in and showed you that wasn’t the case anymore. You’d always have me and you’d never feel alone again. I will not lie it is so difficult. For a huge part of our time together I was severely mentally ill while you were shooting up. Now I’m in recovery and your not shooting up anymore. But your mental illness is now the factor that is stopping you from getting completely clean. And with all the difficulties we suffer through with both our problems that are in no way minuscule we still remain together even when we are apart. Like I told you recently we are always together even when apart. Because we have both only loved each other all these years even if we did temporarily feel lust for somebody else. The slightest feeling could exist with another person but every interaction always reminds us of each other and makes us think how with us everything it’s just so different. And with everyone else it’s really just the same. There’s a sense of security and safety between us. We are not scared to be our true selves that we hide from so many people. Or be truly vulnerable. We know our hearts are safe with each other even though it’s not something always said. We’ve never loved another person like we loved each other. We know we never possibly could. And we realize we both feel it. It’s mutual. And it’s reciprocal. With true love it’s fate, it’s destiny. Why when people tell me to walk away because I’m suffering because of your current struggles with mental health and addiction are wearing me down, they don’t understand I can’t. I often complain and do momentarily hate you due to my own issues with BPD. But I cannot leave. I cannot walk away. It is not possible. Because the force of fate keeps us together. When somebody is your soulmate there’s no such thing as “The bad right now out weighs the good, do you think you should stay in this relationship?”. The thought occurs at times but can’t transpire because there’s that force that unbreakable bond that glues us together. I made a joke that we are super glued together and cannot separate ourselves. But in all honesty we are attached. Our souls, our lives are completely intertwined and connected. There’s no possible way to detach ourselves. Once we met each other there was an immediate unspoken understanding that we had finally found each other. And this was just based off telephone conversations at first. But once that understanding existed there was no possible way for us to live without each other. Definitely not after we knew what we knew, that we knew what was possible and what existed between us. Because no other connection could ever compare. When somebody is your soulmate that feeling you feel with them and simply that friendship and connection cannot exist anywhere else. Even if people convince you that it’s not true and I’m selling myself short. Or not giving myself what I deserve. What I always yearned for was finding you. I had many sexual encounters. Ran away from many potential relationships. And I told myself when I know I’ll know. It would just make sense. Everything in me would want to be with this person. That I wouldn’t be turned off by their flaws but I would in turn love them instead. And I was searching for a spark that I saw in those Nicholas Sparks movies and I never wanted to settle. I wanted that love, I wanted that spark or I wanted nothing at all. And I found that with you. To the point where because of all our struggles I had tried to walk away, for almost three years now. But because of what exists with you, I can’t. I don’t even want to try or fight it anymore. We are meant to be together. It’s as simple as that. We are just meant to be. The most important thing for me overall is that you make me feel love and I feel loved by you in return. Your addiction, your mental illnesses are very upsetting and often very detrimental to our relationship. But I never feel that emptiness or hopelessness that I felt before I met you. My heart is full and that’s so important to me. Love is difficult, love is tiring and love can make you crazy and your head completely spin. But it’s also the most warm, beautiful, content feeling you could ever feel. Love is feeling like you are home and knowing even during a fight the door will be opened up again and not closed shut forever. Love is unconditional. And true love is destiny. All the trails and tribulations thrown your way will never make you astray. You do not chose your soulmate the universe has chosen them for you. And once you meet this person there is an understanding no matter how sick the person may be, no matter what issues you are faced with that you will do anything to make it work. Because love is truly patient and kind. And one can never go back to experiencing their life without their soulmate. A life like that lacks any meaning because it is you that has brought meaning and purpose to me. It is because of you that I will always be okay. And I know for you as well. Because no matter what happens we know we will always have each other. And no matter what we have gone through or still do nothing can change the fact of how lucky I am to love and be loved by you. And because of this I want you to know I love you always. A different feeling for you could never exist within me.
The emptiness in my heart physically hurts. You can see it on my face. You can hear it in my voice. I wish I could go back and tell myself what I know now. I wish I never saw your photo on meet me in 2015. I wish I didn’t somehow know I would love you when I saw that photo. And for two years after you rejected me. I still couldn’t forget you. I would do anything to go back in time and tell myself Tracy please listen to me don’t send him a message. I know you weirdly feel a connection based off seeing his photo. I wouldn’t even lie to myself. I’d tell myself I won’t even lie to you this person is your soulmate. It will never be possible for you to love somebody else like you love them. But once you know that type of love. Once you know that type of connection exists, you’ll start to feel incapable of being able to settle for anything less. I’d make sure that the old me knew, he will never be with you because he will always chose drugs. He will never sleep with you because he would rather sleep with girls he can do drugs with. In 2017 you will reconnect and you will spend close to three years loving him. And as you love him for those close to three years he will be doing heroin the entire time. He will never get clean. He will never fully make you happy. And even when he does make you happy it lasts for a very short amount of time because he remembers how much more he loves heroin than you and he will start calling you mean names and making you want to hurt yourself all because he needs to leave you so he can keep using. You think that he will fight to keep you. You think you’d matter more to him because it turns out you are the only person to fully love him. You are the only person who believes in him and wants him clean. But he just doesn’t care. He rather watch you leave and lose the love of the person who loves him most than be with you and lose the fake love of heroin. You tell him if you start seeing other people you may like somebody else. You think that this would alter his mind. But all he says is “If you fall for someone while we are physically apart then it’s fate, I can’t come between fate.” When in reality he’s just reiterating that it doesn’t matter to him if you leave or stay, he doesn’t value you. The only reason he says you have to be physically apart is because you can’t see each other. And you can’t see each other because he won’t see you while he’s using. Which means he’s not scared of being physically apart from you and you meeting someone new because it’s heroin and female addicts he wants to spend his life with. You are not the most important love in his life and losing you will never be such a huge tragedy to him. You agree to be there for him through his journey with sobriety (the journey never comes). Even before you have done everything you possibly could for him. The amount of money you’ve spent supporting a jobless, homeless, heroin addict has all gone to waste. Because not one single thing was appreciated. Because it was a feeling you gave him. Not a feeling heroin gave him. And he feels entitled to it because all he does is think of himself. Which is why you will never get anything back in return not even a Happy Birthday. Every birthday he doesn’t reach out when you go through lengths for his. Followed by every single holiday. And most of the time he ignores you even when you cry to him and express that you are in the verge of suicide. If you were hanging off a cliff next to a female drug addict and a bag of heroin and he had to chose who to save, he would never chose you, every single time. Even though you’ve spent so much time praising, comforting and loving him. Making and sending him food, getting him a place to stay while he’s homeless and spoiling him with affection. He still tells you after all you’ve done for him that you are still not enough for him. It’s not just drugs you are competing with. He also tells you he needs to sleep with other addicts and do drugs with them too. You only actually are together for 3 months and you both fall madly in love. But when he leaves you for heroin you don’t sleep with anybody for two years because you don’t want anyone but him. You try to convince yourself he’s doing the same. But it will kill you to find out all the girls he’s slept with and it will hurt even more when he tells you he loves you but says he can’t stop sleeping with other female addicts for you. And these girls are the bottom of the barrel, lowest of the low. He doesn’t even care that he surronds himself with people who wouldn’t even care if he died. God does a lot to keep you apart. Things happen during your time together that there should be no turning back from. But your bond is so strong that it’s unbreakable. Even god can’t keep you apart once that bond is formed. You think because he is your soulmate that means you will be together. But sadly Tracy you won’t. He will not choose you. He will not get clean. You will waste three years loving him. And who knows how long it will take for you to move on. The feeling is so strong that you don’t think it’s possible you could ever not love him. And a part of you doesn’t want to let go because there will always be a part of you that wishes for that happily ever after with him. You will only ever love his potential and his core personality. Which he very rarely shows. He will leave you broken, miserable, feeling unloved and that you were never good enough for him. You will be in and out of depressive BPD episodes and there will be multiple times you come close to committing suicide. He will break down your will to live. He will always be selfish and never be there for you. You will call him crying. You will tell him when it’s getting too hard and you feel you’re drowning. But he will never comfort you. He will never care. The only thing he will ever truly care about is drugs and maintaining relationships with women who do drugs. I say this in all honesty run far away from this person. Because after your first phone call in 2017 you’ll immediately feel something you’ve never felt before. And as time goes on all that feeling does is grow stronger and stronger. You’ll spend two years apart but you will end up loving him even more than when you first fell in love with him three years ago. He will never change. And this will kill you inside.
The summer is soon coming to an end. I hate watching the seasons change. In a few weeks when it becomes September it’s just another sad reminder that I’ve lost you. I had so much hope before. Everyday I told myself this wasn’t forever. I held onto the fact that I believed you would get clean. I believed we’d get married and have a family. You made me believe in things and become a person I didn’t know existed. You made me love, love. I finally experienced true bliss when I was with you. I was always content and confident. But when I fell in love with you and when you loved me back the times you did I experienced a type of happiness that someone with depression didn’t know could exist. I would do anything to be with you forever. That’s what hurt’s. There’s absolutely nothing I can do. You chose drugs. You told me to go, to leave you alone. You said you were always with other girls behind my back. What broke me is you asked me “Where we even together?”. For me you’re not just my ex, You’re the love of my life. It saddens me to know that I have always just been nothing to you other than a friend. You said you will never get clean and you will always want drugs and other women more than me. It’s heart breaking. I created this life for us in my head. And I’ve told you it many times. We’d start our investment property business together. You’d become a licensed contractor. We’d buy a 1.2 million dollar house in my town. We’d have a German Shepherd named Moischelech, Moishy for short and a Boston Terrier named Beanie. A little girl named Nicoletta Bailey because you told me you always liked the name Nicolette for a girl, my grandmas name was Concetta, so that’s why I came up with Nicoletta. And Bailey is my moms nickname. I picked Ralph because that was my grandpas name and I love Italian names. You’d have the Mercedes AMG you always wanted. I’d one day own a Bentley. We’d be the couple that didn’t like to sleep apart. That were true soul mates and truly best friends. People would see us together and wish they had what we had. We’d always be happy because we always had each other. And in our 80s or early 90s one of us would get sick from old age. And shortly after the other person would get sick too because we can’t live a day without each other. We’d die together holding hands in the hospital bed. But that will never be. Such a huge dream and it will never exist. All the success in my career isn’t making me happy at all anymore. I’m so unbelievably hurt because I can’t have you. You will never be mine. I feel like I’m starting my life over. Trying to find my way again. Being without you kills me. But what kills me more is knowing not only have you picked this life of drugs and drug addicts over this beautiful life we could live together. Is that you could die at any given moment. I did a lot of thinking. I did my research. If you let this earth I would not be able to live anymore. I couldn’t do it. I could make it through other deaths and I hate to say that because I’m so close with my family. But you are family to me. That’s what your soulmate is to you. Which I felt you were. I would die of broken heart syndrome if you killed yourself. I would not be able to move on or live my life. If you kill your self you’re killing me too. You feel strongly for your soulmate. You fell you will be with this person forever. And one day you’ll have their last name. You’ve been family to me for a long time. But I love you in a way I could never love other family that isn’t you. The love I feel for you is so strong that I fully realize I could never love somebody else. I thought over time I’d fall out of love with you. But I still love you as much as I did two summer’s ago before you broke up with me. I just can never stop loving you. It’s not possible. That is a huge reason why it’s frustrating when you ask me certain questions. “Why are girls attracted to the MGK type” (guys that look like you). “What if you like somebody else?” (directly after I told you I never want to be apart from you and that I always want you in my life). Even making a fake account as a different guy trying to see if I’m talking to other men. It’s so frustrating to me because you clearly do not understand at all how much I love you. And like I said it’s not possible for me to fall out of love with you. We share such a deep, strong connection. We have this spark, this chemistry that just never dies. The passion is what keeps me from walking away. Nobody makes me feel the way you do. Nobody connects with me the way you do. And we both knew it, I know you did too. Before we meet, when we talked on the phone for hours at a time we both felt “Yeah she’s/he’s the one. It’s an unspoken understanding we always used to have. We’ve never actually spoke about this openly. We never addressed the crazy connection we have. Something you think only exists in movies. I don’t think either of us thought it really existed until it did with us. I knew it was love when I saw you for the first time and you looked really sick from drugs and I didn’t run away. And I still found beauty in you and became attracted to you even though you were at your worst in your addiction. I loved you at your very worst. I can’t understand how you question these things. I feel like screaming “Don’t you realize how much I fight for you and how I never gave up once in almost three years?!”. I never stopped loving you not for one second. And I never stopped believing in you or wanting to spend forever with you. But now you have asked me to stop believing you and to give up. I know I need to respect your wishes and let you live the life you prefer. And I’m praying you don’t take your life because I will go with you. I will die of a broken heart. The thing that always gets to me is the seasons changing from summer to fall. The summer is so much fun. And then the cold starts coming around. And all the holidays start. I used to love them summer changing to fall because of the Jewish holidays in September then my birthday and Halloween to follow. I especially love Christmas time. Now I hate the holidays. I was so depressed last Christmas that I kept snapping at everyone. And I went to bed Christmas night begging god to take my life. It starts with Rosh Hashanah when you don’t wish me a happy Jewish new year. Then it’s my birthday the day after Halloween and Halloween. Another party I throw that you don’t come to. And the this will be the second year you don’t call you or even text. Thanksgiving with my family and wishing I could finally bring you and you could meet everyone. Reminding myself that you will never even get to meet my mom and big brother. By the time Christmas comes the depression creeps in. Wishing we could see the tree together, see a Christmas carol, see all the pretty lights and decorations, exchange thoughtful gifts. I always wished for you to come to church with my family. Christmas season is my favorite season after the summer and now I don’t enjoy it anymore. New Year’s Eve and watching the ball drop and not being able to kiss you. Checking my phone for the millionth time that night at midnight and still no happy no year text. By the time Valentine’s Day rolls around I just desperately want the holiday season to end because I can’t keep being reminded that I will never have you. That you are gone. We met at the end of December three years ago. So this is my third New Year and Valentine’s Day that I sit around praying, wishing you’d call. Or that you’d surprise me with something cute sent to my house. What I really wish for though is to be with you, for you not wanting to be without me either. The second year I think about those bracelets I told you I really wanted. That you and I would wear. You can send vibrations to your significant other throughout the day. They are for long distance relationships. You instantly shut that down it made me cry a little. You said they were gay and I should be concerned if a man would wear then because he would be gay. That really hurt me that you felt expressing our love for each other like that is “gay”. I spent so much time researching them and watching videos and your response had really hurt my feelings. I should’ve known to walk away. When there were clear signs you must really not love me. You never spent a penny on me the whole time you’ve known me. But you spent $9 like nothing to cat fish me on my only fans account. With that $9 you could’ve sent me a milkshake. I couldn’t believe you did that. I realize it’s not that you don’t have any money it’s that doing anything nice for me doesn’t matter to you. I give and I give and I give our whole time together and I get nothing back in return. I keep saying well he has an excuse the bracelet is 90 dollars. In the scheme of things what’s 90 dollars with how much money I’ve spent on you which is probably even more than two thousand dollars. However this Holiday season I have prepared myself. I will not be let down or heart broken because there is no you and I. And according to you there never was. Not even when you told me that you were my boyfriend. You were never mine even at a time I thought you definitely were. I just want to enjoy the rest of August until I’m stuck with the sad truth when the cold air starts surfacing. You are really gone. We are really over. You will always be an addict. I need to accept that and love you for the rest of my life from a distance. Because I will never not love you no matter where my life takes me. You will always have my heart.
What is BPD? Border line personality disorder. I’m not going to bore you with my diagnoses. I’m going to paint you a vivid picture. It’s getting into recovery but the symptoms and feelings still exist as if you were a little girl still. The fear of abandonment, feeling unloved, feeling like I’m not good enough and invalidated. That my friends and family are better off without me. That I’m broken. Like physically broken because my brain is broken. It doesn’t function properly. Life in recovery for me in minimizing my BPD episodes. However they will always exist. So it’s more about how I should cope with them. I was triggered a few days ago when my oldest brother made a comment that he’s never been my actual Dad. As you know as I just told you brings up the feelings of being invalidated, unloved and not good enough. Living with a loved one who has BPD it’s important you learn how to specifically word everything you say. It’s not so much about the things you say it’s how you say them. My brother could’ve said “I love that you feel I was there you like a dad because I know your dad wasn’t, I’ve just always felt like an older brother who loves you very much.” Saying the same thing but one triggers an episode and one doesn’t. For us borderliners we have that one or few people who we can call to at least subside the depressive episode because it’s hard to make it fully stop. My brother whose 5 years older than I am is my life line. I often feel he’s my IV when I’ve lost blood. Or my oxygen tube when I can’t breathe. Meaning he’s saved my life. My only proof that there are amazing kind hearted loyal men in this world is because my brother exists. He’s the most amazing male figure I’ve ever known. In my episodes I feel like I don’t deserve him. Just ten minutes on the phone with my one brother he pulled me out of falling into a deep depressive episode. Truthfully I question if I really deserve him. Im so broken sometimes that I start to feel that he may get tired of putting me back together. I don’t know how he makes my illnesses a priority. How he does it with a wife, kid and two jobs. And with all that in my life my brother is the only human in my life who has never triggered me. I think it’s because he knows me the best out of everybody because he experiences my episodes with me. I know I rely on him a lot and sometimes I feel guilty about it because I know I could never completely return the favor to him. He doesn’t need me to save his life. Not sure how people like my brother exist. But he does. And I’m so grateful because he helps make my episodes manageable and sometimes can pull me out. I felt much better after I spoke to him as I ate something and laughed just minutes after. Then that night my ex happens. He’s the biggest trigger I’ve ever had in my life. Every single trigger that I’ve mentioned with BPD he hits all of them consistently. He’s a selfish heroin addict and quite honestly my severe illness has never mattered at all to him. It’s not that I love somebody because they are unavailable bc of drugs. What nobody understands is I love him because he’s the only man that’s loved me as much as my brother does. It’s the passion and the love he feels so strongly for me that makes it hard to leave. Even though he can’t present the love in the right way because he’s unhealthy. Because of drugs his love is toxic. But I see his core personality all the time before the drugs take over him. And the person he is in his core is somebody I’m devestayed that I have no choice but to stay away from. He never completely understands that I am just as sick as he is. He minimizing my struggles. So he then triggers me just a few hours before I just was. He doesn’t show up to see me when he knew I really needed him after he had recently told me loves me but then took it back and said he loved drugs and being with other girls more. So it checks off everything. He made me feel abandoned, unloved and not good enough. The second we feel this way the depressive episode spirals. You know you’re very susceptible to fall into an episode when you’ve been self medicating a lot. My ex was deeply stressing me out and for a week and I was taking my sleeping pill and drinking myself to sleep. The worst part of it is knowing how sick he’s making me because he won’t better himself and how hard it is to leave him when they are those loving passionate times his core personality exists. So the episode starts as I was already close to my breaking point. All it took was two triggers. But the triggers from my ex hit harder than other people. His triggers have me stuck in episodes for days. When they honestly can be as short as 30 minutes. Immediately I feel actual emptiness in my chest. With BPD we have chronic feelings of emptiness. My chest physically hurt. And when it does I have a hard time sleeping. I feel alone. Hollowed out. And really just empty. The emptiness hurts to much to sleep. Especially in an less familiar place. Not your safe space. It was 4 AM but I told my cousin I needed to be home. I’d never get out of my episode if I didn’t try and heal. Which means sleeping in my safe space. That’s how we heal from episodes. Only thing you can do is sleep in a place that always makes us feel secure. That night a young male driver drove me home. I purposely kissed him in a way I knew would drive him crazy and make him utterly obsessed with me. And then ghost him. I do this a lot. It’s to make me feel powerful and sadly feel better about myself. That they fall in love with me after one kiss and I run inside and block them on everything after they declare their obsession for me. And I know they’ll spend days even weeks to months thinking about that one kiss with me. My friends say I’m the definition of a male player. I think I’m just fucked up in the head. I went to sleep and felt that I was better. I did a few things to heal. Made sure to get out of my bed. Watch a show I love. Showered twice. Listen to rock music and go for a drive. Get my favorite Gatorade. Get some sun. Call my brother to say hi. But I barely ate that day maybe 400 calories. I wake up again the next day having convinced myself I was fine. However still haven’t eaten anything and it’s 9:00 PM. I realize my hunger pains is a way I self harm in my depressive episodes now that I’ve overcome bulimia and don’t binge and purge. My closest friend knows when I’m in the episode. My voice is completely flat. I sound lifeless. And my cute giggle is nonexistent. I actually can barely smile or laugh. My mom is worried because I won’t eat. And she’s nervous I won’t wake up all day. My closest friend feels helpless because she wishes she could pull me out but she knows there’s nothing she can do. A lot of times during the episode you can’t really sleep. Sad thing is I can’t even pull my self out of the episode. I just use my healthy coping mechanisms, like right now writing this article. And sleep to heal and pray I wake up and the episode is done and I have my appetite and life back to my body, voice and facial expressions. At this point it’s a few days into my depressive episode. Life is actually great. I finally met someone where the feelings are mutual. Had two real estate closings. My modeling is going really well. And contracts are being signed on my first flip property. I’m even consistently losing weight. There’s no rationality behind the episodes sometimes. Someone who holds power over us triggers us and it’s hard to pull ourselves out. Today I am not experiencing chronic feelings of emptiness. I feel more lifeless and drained. I only hate 600 calories all day because the hunger pains make me feel better. It’s my “healthy” way to self harm in recovery. Instead of impulsive dangerous behaviors that could leave me in jail or dead. I listen to sad songs and cry instantly after thinking I was just okay. I can’t hold back tears. The thing that sent me in the episode haunts me until it’s over. My most used coping mechanism is driving blasting emo music. Which is rock, alternative rock, hard rock, punk rock. The music actually pulses through my veins, it penetrates my skin and the screaming words of depression and suicidal ideation with loud beating drums and electric guitar numb the sadness and speak to me on a level that I know these bands deeply understand what I’m feeling. I don’t always experience suicidal ideation. This episode I haven’t felt like the world would be a better place without me or that I’m a failure. This episode has mainly been strong feelings of sadness and the inability to feel anything other than morose. Even with all the good around me. I’m stuck in a bubble where there’s a gray rain cloud showering on me all day and night. Even though outside my bubble a few feet from me the sun is beating down. All that I can do now at 3:00 AM is try to sleep. All I can hope is that I heal this time I sleep and wake up out of the episode. Sometimes we have to walk away from people just to save ourselves. Even the ones we love the most.
I'm sorry I didn't wish you a happy birthday. It's the first year in two years that I haven't. No call, no text, no gift. I honestly feel it hurt me more than it did you. I feel I've lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. Who am I without you? And what am I without you? For the past year and 8 months I felt in my heart you would get clean. I never let go. I never gave up. I felt I knew we would be together. And my world has come crashing down beside me because now I realize none of it will ever exist. You will never be mine. I just don't know how to move on or leave you in the past. At this point I have given up because I feel the turth has set in. And you even spoke it yourself, you will never want me more than drugs. You will always care about getting high more than being with me. I can't understand it. I cry and cry and yell at you. We fight back and forth. We say we love each other then we say we hate eachother. And nothing will ever change. Because you won't. You've given up on yourself and you asked me to as well. Unfortunately there are addicts that never get clean and just use their whole lives or sadly pass away. I feel so broken knowing there is no future with us, that this is where we end. I never even got to make love to you. And you are makng love to other addicts in a way you've saved for me inside your head. I just want you to choose me. I want the pain of me leaving to destroy your heart. I want the sadness of not speaking to me for months be stronger than the sickness of not doing heroin. I want the pain to be worse than being dope sick. And I just can't matter that much. I'm losing sight of my future. Of who I want to become. What will bring meaning to my life. And for the past three years the only thing that brought my life true meaning was you. The only person I wanted in my future was you. My whole future was based around you. And now theres just this emptiness surronding my life and who I will be because there is no you. You're just never going to chose me. At this point you can't be there for me. You can't even just be nice to me because of your addiction. You have been so mean to me, so hurful. I can't believe the way you've been speaking to me. I cant keep tolerating and accepting your mean behavior. I love when it's just us two and we are on the phone, texting or in person and we are both just being ourselves no guards up. You aren't trying to push me away and we just fall into eachother. And that's what we do just fall into each other. Fall back into the same place we left. It's like we are two puzzle pieces that fit together and the pieces snap back in place when we speak again. Our souls are intertwined. Our brains are always connected. And I couldn't stop loving you even if I wanted to, you are a part of me. I just don't know how to keep on going without you. And I have to, we can't be together if you won't get clean. And now I know the fake profiles are you, I know not to talk to any suspicious accounts anymore. You won't be able to trick me into staying in communication with you now. For the first time since we reconnected on instagram almost three years ago we are going to have to be apart. I don't want to be though. But you've chosen drugs. You'd rather get high and make love to addicts in a way that is only supposed to be with me. You kiss and touch girls and think of me the entire time. But you shouldn't be thinking of me, you should be with me. You shouldn't be making love to girls in a way that was supposed to be special and just for me. Your lips should never touch someobdy elses that aren't mine. But you are ok with this life. You told me we can never work because you will always want drugs more. I'm so completely broken that I don't even know what to do with myself. You were my life and now you are just nothing anymore. I can't keep pushing you to go to rehab and speaking about it. You've made a firm decision. You've created a life for yourself. And it's a life that doesn't involve me.