I'm sorry I didn't wish you a happy birthday. It's the first year in two years that I haven't. No call, no text, no gift. I honestly feel it hurt me more than it did you. I feel I've lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. Who am I without you? And what am I without you? For the past year and 8 months I felt in my heart you would get clean. I never let go. I never gave up. I felt I knew we would be together. And my world has come crashing down beside me because now I realize none of it will ever exist. You will never be mine. I just don't know how to move on or leave you in the past. At this point I have given up because I feel the turth has set in. And you even spoke it yourself, you will never want me more than drugs. You will always care about getting high more than being with me. I can't understand it. I cry and cry and yell at you. We fight back and forth. We say we love each other then we say we hate eachother. And nothing will ever change. Because you won't. You've given up on yourself and you asked me to as well. Unfortunately there are addicts that never get clean and just use their whole lives or sadly pass away. I feel so broken knowing there is no future with us, that this is where we end. I never even got to make love to you. And you are makng love to other addicts in a way you've saved for me inside your head. I just want you to choose me. I want the pain of me leaving to destroy your heart. I want the sadness of not speaking to me for months be stronger than the sickness of not doing heroin. I want the pain to be worse than being dope sick. And I just can't matter that much. I'm losing sight of my future. Of who I want to become. What will bring meaning to my life. And for the past three years the only thing that brought my life true meaning was you. The only person I wanted in my future was you. My whole future was based around you. And now theres just this emptiness surronding my life and who I will be because there is no you. You're just never going to chose me. At this point you can't be there for me. You can't even just be nice to me because of your addiction. You have been so mean to me, so hurful. I can't believe the way you've been speaking to me. I cant keep tolerating and accepting your mean behavior. I love when it's just us two and we are on the phone, texting or in person and we are both just being ourselves no guards up. You aren't trying to push me away and we just fall into eachother. And that's what we do just fall into each other. Fall back into the same place we left. It's like we are two puzzle pieces that fit together and the pieces snap back in place when we speak again. Our souls are intertwined. Our brains are always connected. And I couldn't stop loving you even if I wanted to, you are a part of me. I just don't know how to keep on going without you. And I have to, we can't be together if you won't get clean. And now I know the fake profiles are you, I know not to talk to any suspicious accounts anymore. You won't be able to trick me into staying in communication with you now. For the first time since we reconnected on instagram almost three years ago we are going to have to be apart. I don't want to be though. But you've chosen drugs. You'd rather get high and make love to addicts in a way that is only supposed to be with me. You kiss and touch girls and think of me the entire time. But you shouldn't be thinking of me, you should be with me. You shouldn't be making love to girls in a way that was supposed to be special and just for me. Your lips should never touch someobdy elses that aren't mine. But you are ok with this life. You told me we can never work because you will always want drugs more. I'm so completely broken that I don't even know what to do with myself. You were my life and now you are just nothing anymore. I can't keep pushing you to go to rehab and speaking about it. You've made a firm decision. You've created a life for yourself. And it's a life that doesn't involve me.
For those of you who may know me, you know my story. For those of you who don’t, my names Tracy and I am sick. I have two mental illnesses. One that I was born with, Bipolar Disorder. The other is BPD, Border Line Personality Disorder. Mental health professionals have been saying for years they want to change the name of the disorder. Because BPD is not in fact a change in personalities. It’s a disorder of emotions. I feel each and every emotion to an amplified extent. How they say there’s no gray area, it’s all just black and white for us border liners. When we are happy we feel like we are being shot across the sun flying into a parade of fireworks, drifting off into the Red Sea in the Mediterranean. When we are depressed our chest feels hollows, the emptiness physically hurts us (we can feel the pain in our chest) we feel intense suicidal ideation and believe we are a burden to our loved ones and they’d be better off without us. BPD is a back and forth of depressive, angry/irritable and happiness/feelings of euphoria episodes. Its getting stuck in the episodes and knowing you are stuck. Being intelligent but knowing your mind can’t think rationally until the episode ends. It’s mood dysregulation and snapping on the people around you just from the slightest trigger. It’s having a hard time with interpersonal relationships. It’s having a sex addiction, alcohol addiction, suffering from other mental illnesses as well, having symptoms of every mental illness put into one disorder And having eating disorders. It’s having erratic behavior. And unintentionally pushing people away by overreacting. The worst part for me is my fear of abandonment. I’m scared all the people that love me will one day leave me. Incase you were wondering I was not born with BPD. I had the genetic inclination to develop a personality disorder. But my environmental factors brought it out. It’s a learned behavior. It’s a coping mechanism I learned from my trauma. Here’s how my parents gave me BPD.
The rock music is blasting and pulsing through my veins. It’s the only way to shake the thoughts that you’ve transplanted inside my head. I’m replaying the conversation over and over again in my head. I’m asking myself is this partially my fault? You couldn’t even believe it was me saying these things. Was it so out of character for me? I think back to all our old conversations and how I used to view sex. Maybe before I knew I loved you I was ok with it. With you sleeping with other women. But now the thought of your lips touching somebody else’s and you being inside somebody else, makes me sick to my stomach.
Piece by piece everything falls
I feel immobilized. I’ve been sitting in the car now for I don’t even know how long. Time seems to be standing still. And I’m just stuck as the world continues around me. I can’t get up the strength to drive home. Or maybe I just don’t want to leave this parking lot. I just want to stay here in this tree light shopping center, with the immorally high priced liquor store and deli with putrid coffee. All because I don’t want time to change. I feel ok now but I have no idea how I’ll feel tomorrow or the day after that. And when I say ok, I mean ok in the sense where I won’t hurt anymore from being with you. From things you’ve caused. But there’s a scared feeling that I may lose it. I’m thinking all this through and I realize this is the probably the worst I’ll feel. It should only get better from here on out.
Open your front door, let sadness in