The power and truth of real soul mates.

I truthfully believe most people do not understand what love really is. Even people who are married and in long term relationships. I would have never understood love if it wasn’t for you. And when I try to explain what it is that exists between us people often associate my feelings with my BPD. They say it’s romanticized or a fantasy. How can I explain to people that the love between us is the same as any popular romance movie. It’s just like the notebook. These movies are based off some truth. For any screen writer to portray these scenes, to vividly get the point across one has to have experienced something similar. You can’t accurately depict something if you simply cannot understand the feeling. The love certainly exists and everybody thinks I’m crazy, except you. We are the only two people who are completely aware and truly understanding of this bond that lyes between us. It’s unbreakable. It’s strong. And nothing has been able to tear us apart. Not both of our issues with severe mental illnesses. Not your heroin addiction that I’ve been told should make you incapable of really loving me or thinking about me at all. Not even the fights where you purposely say the worst in attempts to push me away or when you trigger me and I’ve made stupid impulsive decisions to get authorities involved. Nothing can keep us apart. Nothing can keep us away from each other. And absolutely nothing can make us fall out of love. It’s that exact feeling of loving someone so much your heart could explode. All these years and the years we have even spent apart due to my mental health and primarily your addiction has not lessened the feelings or changed anything at all. We reconnected after a year and a half and it was as if no time had passed. We seemed as if we were two people that were just speaking yesterday. The truth is one can only understand what we have, what I am expressing to them if they actually do believe it could exist. And unfortunately most people think it’s absurd. And I do understand that there is a high level of absurdity in telling people the love in Nicholas Sparks movies is real. But it’s nothing but true, it certainly does and you and I have it. Back to my original statement that most people don’t know what love is, I also want to state that most people really can’t. To feel real love you need to be a deep person. You need to crave something you feel you have always been missing. You need to have substance and understand darkness and not be scared by it. Because real love is not easy and if it was easy it wouldn’t be real. Without any depth to a person you can’t feel deeply. Two people who both feel very deeply or both capable of deep, genuine love. That is when true love exists. And I try to explain what we have to so many people. To my female cousin who says she has sweeter pet names for her cat than for her boyfriend. And it makes me think of how sad you would be if I was sweeter to our hypothetical pet than you. That would break your heart. And I would feel bad doing that to you. I try to explain it to my male cousin who ran off to pick up heroin on the street from complete strangers due to withdrawals with his wife present. And his wife was not in hysterics, she did not even shed one tear. I am then reminded as to how heart breaking your addiction is for me and how it’s kept us apart. And how if now I was in that situation with you I would have a complete mental break down, cause a huge scene as I’m crying hysterically, screaming in the middle of a congested street in Brooklyn. I try to explain it to my mom who does nothing but fight with my dad. Who has exclaimed his possible death with no sorrow. How she could finally live her life and be free and how she doesn’t love my dad anymore. And maybe I do not know much about stable, long term relationships, especially marriage. However the one thing I know about that nobody else I know does is real love. Because no matter what age I turn. No matter what I go through in life one thing is absolutely clear and certain to me that I would never anticipate your death. As we also don’t just bicker constantly and communicate like we can’t stand each other. Our communication is loving and gentle. And our fights are passionate and intense. We communicate our love and sometimes our feeling of temporary distastefulness at times for each other due to our own issues with mental health with extreme intensity. There’s no in between with true love. We can’t just text and say “Hey, what’s up, what’s new.” We can’t be in each other’s lives and decide to keep a distance between us. It’s really all or nothing. Because we can’t be anything other than loving to each other. Because if we can’t or aren’t making love, or with each other in person expressing our love through petting, affectionate words/actions or playful teasing, then we need to do it through text. We can’t be anything else to each other, we can only be what exists. And what exists is our soul connection. And we can’t fight it. It’s just there and it’s an extremely strong force. Which is why I remained optimistic and still do. I try my hardest not to think about losing you. I don’t want to think of how lethal the drugs you’re using are. How I really could lose you at any moment. If you die, I would die too. In whatever way I pass away, suicide or a broken heart, I cannot live without you. And I certainly could never live in a world where you don’t exist. I cannot imagine the pain that would exist in my heart. I believe love can conquer anything. And I just hold onto the fact that as long as I keep loving you then one day it will help you change. And you slowly have since I’ve met you. Although you don’t come out and say it I know my love has helped you be strong when you felt weak. My love has comforted you when I didn’t even have any idea you were crying. And my love has pushed you to make just these few changes and without me who knows if they would’ve felt worth it. Because in a world where you day after day just always felt like you had nobody I came in and showed you that wasn’t the case anymore. You’d always have me and you’d never feel alone again. I will not lie it is so difficult. For a huge part of our time together I was severely mentally ill while you were shooting up. Now I’m in recovery and your not shooting up anymore. But your mental illness is now the factor that is stopping you from getting completely clean. And with all the difficulties we suffer through with both our problems that are in no way minuscule we still remain together even when we are apart. Like I told you recently we are always together even when apart. Because we have both only loved each other all these years even if we did temporarily feel lust for somebody else. The slightest feeling could exist with another person but every interaction always reminds us of each other and makes us think how with us everything it’s just so different. And with everyone else it’s really just the same. There’s a sense of security and safety between us. We are not scared to be our true selves that we hide from so many people. Or be truly vulnerable. We know our hearts are safe with each other even though it’s not something always said. We’ve never loved another person like we loved each other. We know we never possibly could. And we realize we both feel it. It’s mutual. And it’s reciprocal. With true love it’s fate, it’s destiny. Why when people tell me to walk away because I’m suffering because of your current struggles with mental health and addiction are wearing me down, they don’t understand I can’t. I often complain and do momentarily hate you due to my own issues with BPD. But I cannot leave. I cannot walk away. It is not possible. Because the force of fate keeps us together. When somebody is your soulmate there’s no such thing as “The bad right now out weighs the good, do you think you should stay in this relationship?”. The thought occurs at times but can’t transpire because there’s that force that unbreakable bond that glues us together. I made a joke that we are super glued together and cannot separate ourselves. But in all honesty we are attached. Our souls, our lives are completely intertwined and connected. There’s no possible way to detach ourselves. Once we met each other there was an immediate unspoken understanding that we had finally found each other. And this was just based off telephone conversations at first. But once that understanding existed there was no possible way for us to live without each other. Definitely not after we knew what we knew, that we knew what was possible and what existed between us. Because no other connection could ever compare. When somebody is your soulmate that feeling you feel with them and simply that friendship and connection cannot exist anywhere else. Even if people convince you that it’s not true and I’m selling myself short. Or not giving myself what I deserve. What I always yearned for was finding you. I had many sexual encounters. Ran away from many potential relationships. And I told myself when I know I’ll know. It would just make sense. Everything in me would want to be with this person. That I wouldn’t be turned off by their flaws but I would in turn love them instead. And I was searching for a spark that I saw in those Nicholas Sparks movies and I never wanted to settle. I wanted that love, I wanted that spark or I wanted nothing at all. And I found that with you. To the point where because of all our struggles I had tried to walk away, for almost three years now. But because of what exists with you, I can’t. I don’t even want to try or fight it anymore. We are meant to be together. It’s as simple as that. We are just meant to be. The most important thing for me overall is that you make me feel love and I feel loved by you in return. Your addiction, your mental illnesses are very upsetting and often very detrimental to our relationship. But I never feel that emptiness or hopelessness that I felt before I met you. My heart is full and that’s so important to me. Love is difficult, love is tiring and love can make you crazy and your head completely spin. But it’s also the most warm, beautiful, content feeling you could ever feel. Love is feeling like you are home and knowing even during a fight the door will be opened up again and not closed shut forever. Love is unconditional. And true love is destiny. All the trails and tribulations thrown your way will never make you astray. You do not chose your soulmate the universe has chosen them for you. And once you meet this person there is an understanding no matter how sick the person may be, no matter what issues you are faced with that you will do anything to make it work. Because love is truly patient and kind. And one can never go back to experiencing their life without their soulmate. A life like that lacks any meaning because it is you that has brought meaning and purpose to me. It is because of you that I will always be okay. And I know for you as well. Because no matter what happens we know we will always have each other. And no matter what we have gone through or still do nothing can change the fact of how lucky I am to love and be loved by you. And because of this I want you to know I love you always. A different feeling for you could never exist within me.