The Famous Last words
To all the men I've ever loved. And the last words they could never take back.
I feel immobilized. I’ve been sitting in the car now for I don’t even know how long. Time seems to be standing still. And I’m just stuck as the world continues around me. I can’t get up the strength to drive home. Or maybe I just don’t want to leave this parking lot. I just want to stay here in this tree light shopping center, with the immorally high priced liquor store and deli with putrid coffee. All because I don’t want time to change. I feel ok now but I have no idea how I’ll feel tomorrow or the day after that. And when I say ok, I mean ok in the sense where I won’t hurt anymore from being with you. From things you’ve caused. But there’s a scared feeling that I may lose it. I’m thinking all this through and I realize this is the probably the worst I’ll feel. It should only get better from here on out.
Instantaneously my mind shifts. The song starts playing. Not our song but mine and Paul’s. The song I wrote a remake to and had my friend sing at “my” graduation in front of all the students, to my first love from high school just thumped threw the speakers. As I listen my eyes become glazed over. I stare empty and broken into my knees touching the steering wheel. Because after my friend sang him the song. After he knew how much I needed him. How much I wanted him. How pure my love was. After that moment. I never saw him again. 11 years later and that was our last moment. My friend belting my own personal well written lyrics to last kiss by Taylor Swift. I thought he was my everything. And deep down I felt he did too. One of those cute high school romances but it was so pure. He used to call me wormy. The joke came about due to the fact our 8th period classrooms were split between one door. It’s actually how we first met, we were passing notes back and forth to each other under the door. One day while he was in the science class next door his teacher was giving a lesson on earth worms. I just remember him coming up to the door knocking on it and hysterically laughing saying “Tracy, Tracy come over to the door.” He couldn’t stop laughing as he passed a white piece of loose leaf under the door. It was a poorly drawn picture of an earth worm with an arrow that said Tracy you look like an earth worm. He really felt this joke to be so funny although it lacked to make any real sense. But I really took pleasure in him giving me a nickname, I was always his wormy. I called him a few different things, Pauly, Paulina and Pauly wants a cracker instead of polly. I used to write him letters to Pauly love always your Wormy. And we couldn’t stay away from each other even when he had dangerous girl friends. People thought I was crazy because you strung me a long. You kept saying you'd leave them for me, since the beginning. Since the first day we spent together at rec in the gym. We were talking and you were shy. You always saw me with my journal, always writing. And you asked to see it. I was hesitant, so I said “Why, why do you want my journal?” You got quiet and you said you’d rather write it down. I opened up a blank page and gave you my pen as I handed you my journal. You wrote down “Maybe I do want to be with you.” You said you were leaving Becca because she didn't understand you and always hung out with 18 year old boys on home visits. But you didn’t. Not then, not for a little over a year. I know it’s because I wasn’t popular and you were the most popular guy at our little residential high school upstate. You wouldn’t admit me you loved me, but I knew you did. I remember how I’d always go crazy over seeing you wearing your backwards fitted’s. Something about the way your blonde hair just so slightly showed though, the cap framed your face and your charming blue eyes. You had other girlfriends. But they were for show, for popularity. It was me you wanted. It was me you’d laugh with. And me who tried to listen when you were struggling with home visits and your mom. And I’d sneak behind your cottage to go down to lower field and Mike would have you come down to the back door that faced the hill towering down to the benches at the bottom. And I’d always walk up and hug you. And as we hugged I’d just look right at you deeply in your eyes and you couldn’t help it but kiss me. You tried to end it so many times. Probably to not risk your humiliation and ridicule. And every time I’d sneak behind your cottage you’d say “No,no I’m not hugging you because then you’re going to try and kiss me”. But you always ended up hugging me anyway. And they always ended with a kiss. It was hard for you to not give in to me. Or pretend you didn’t want me when I would pressure you into showing your true feelings. And you’d comment on the warm scent of the vanilla body spray I wore for you. And you always complained about me wearing lip gloss. I wasn’t a virgin. But I still count you as my first, but really you were my second. You are the only person I’ve ever made love to in 26 years. However I knew it was love then, you didn’t. That’s why it didn’t really county. You didn’t realize you loved me until I was gone. After I lost you. After the way you left. It took me so long before I felt I could do that again. Let that type of emotion into my heart. We Went out of program our first night but you were still with Danielle. And she was tough and extremely threatening. We didn’t have sex that night we held hands all night under the blanket and kissed. And laid on each other. And I’ll never forget our first kiss where I asked you “Do you promise” and you said “I don’t promise on pinky’s I swear on lips” and then you kissed me. Like broken puzzle pieces started being placed back together when I met you. I walked over you to you standing all alone with that hoodie always over your head. I just asked if you could share your music with me. And we sat in the car and listened to the same songs and from there or bond grew. I knew I had to expect my repercussions of kissing you and being with you that night. Danielle was infuriated and they were scared she’d injure me. They believed even having staff with me at all moments and even them sleeping outside my door wasn’t enough. (She did eventually get to me though.) So I switched cottages. You refused to speak to me because I told Danielle the truth when she forced all three of us into a mediation with the staff. I did it more to save my own life, she was your girlfriend, you should've been the one telling her the truth. But yet you were still mad at me. I was expecting to be transferred in the next few months back down state. I asked Patrick to help me concept a plan to get you and I alone. Patrick runs to my window and knocks on it softly around 10:00 pm one night as the night staff are getting in. He tells me you’re out by the woods. I charge swiftly out of the back door. And rush to get to the woods so I don’t get dropped by the staff. You see Patrick running up towards you but right behind him running you see me. And you got so angry. And I tell you please, I’m leaving soon. Can we be together tonight. I just need to talk to you. Only Patrick knows, nobody will find out. You try to say no. I know it’s something you always tried to do with me. I don’t know what it is about me, but you weren't the only person to experience the same problem. So we go into the woods past the sream and lay down a blanket. We both didn’t really know what we were doing. And even if the sex wasn’t “good” because we were just kids. It was beautiful and we laughed. And we knew each other. Most of our clothes stayed on and we were shy with our bodies. But I remember talking to you after it all happened and I just looked up at you and said “does this mean we are together now.”? And you told me yes it did. That finally you wanted to be with me. But just me. Out in the open. You walked me back up the hill that night and said goodnight you earth worm and we parted ways and went to sleep. I always knew you loved me back. It was a feeling only I could understand. A feeling I’ve had to reiterate again as people tell me I am insane. Ms. R said that I was beaming ear to ear and she said I must be really happy to finally be with you.The staff saw me fawn over you and try to win your love for over a year. But I was always a secret because I wasn’t popular or beautiful enough to be with you for real. Or maybe she could see my heart race every time you walked into a room. I never forgot that feeling. The way I’d feel when you’d walk into a room. Or just come up and sat next to me. I longed for a really long time just to feel that again. For those three days I felt a happiness I only felt one more time with one more person since you. We were kissing in the hallways. And publicly holding hands. You let me wear your hat. My mom bought me Jordan’s because you said you liked them on me. Just pure bliss. And as I’m walking back up to the cottages as schools over just three days later mike hands me a letter “I’m breaking up with you, my mom doesn’t want us to be together”. That was all the letter said. And of course you were kissing my best friend behind me back. I was beyond devastated. I sobbed loudly. I screamed, I yelled. My best friend punched me in the face and started dating you. You were being so mean and cold to me and I couldn't understand why you were doing this to me. I’ve been such a sweet person. I would’ve never hurt you like those other girls did. And when you started dating my bully. I ended up in the psych hospital and got sent back on arms length. I remember going back to school and walking up your lunch table with your four friends. I was crying please Paul talk to me. Why are you ignoring me. Please, please say something. I was making such a fool out of myself. And it was like I didn’t exist to you. You sat there and didn't even acknowledge me, not a word or a sound. I just kept crying and yelling please Paul talk to me as you just kept looking straight and talking to your friends. Eventually Ms.R came over and pulled me away and said “Tracy I know how you feel, but you're embarrassing yourself, you gotta walk away” Months go by. And you won’t even look at me. I was internalizing everything. I believed it was me. I wasn’t good enough. I cried at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t take being in my own skin anymore. I watched as you dated the girl who bullied me. And you sat as she tormented me for being in love with you and how sad and pathetic it was. We were all asked to pick a song in group and I picked unbeautiful by Leslie Roy. So many songs I started listening to a couple years ago that I stopped listening to after I moved on. Of course the girl who constantly bullied me laughed in my face as the song played and say “Aw whose this for Paul?” I felt humiliated and hurt by all the things you put me through. And each girl would dump you or cheat on you. None of them even really liked you. Or weren't even capable of feeling real love. It had finally been decided I was being transferred back by my home town. And I didn’t want to end the way we did. I needed to be with you. But our last moments were sad and painful. And I felt I needed you to know I still loved you. That’s why I wrote you that song. I spent some trying rewriting Taylor swifts song “Last Kiss” and me and my friend practiced it for weeks. She wasn't embarrassed at all to do it for me, she was a good friend. And I was finally no longer embarrassed for having loved you. They decided to do the award ceremony before I left because honestly I received every single award. Most of the time Mike would stand up as a joke as they said and the award goes to and he’d get up and yell “Tracy”. I didn’t mention that not only was I severely depressed and insecure, I was also considered a nerd in that school. As in my leisurely time I still spent it doing “school work” ( creative writing). So my friend sings the song and of course I hear the comments and see everyones eyes glaring at me “It’s for Paul, its obvious.” But I wanted to give you a big goodbye and hold my head up high. I really hoped one day you'd regret what you did. You’d regret your last words. And you did and have for years. Someone even told me they saw you crying that day. You never told me that though. No hug goodbye that day. We came in as strangers and left as that. We reconnected when I was a freshman in college, we were both 18. We fought for an entire year, just so much petty bullshit. You couldn't admit you had feelings for me and had made a mistake. We Kept trying to make the other one jealous. Kept purposely ignoring calls and saying things we don’t think or feel instead of being vulnerable. Both purposely hurting each other but not wanting to at the same time. We were both two passionate people. We were really just passionate about each other. And because of both our mental health problems and upbringings we were both a little crazy. All this time I had been telling you I loved you and you just could never say it back. I don’t know why this is such a pattern in my life. Why do the men I love always love their ex more in their relationship who didn’t fully love them like I did and didn’t show even an ounce of the passion, care and loyalty I had for them. And why do they love me less and treat me worse when I offer a sacred unconditional love and understanding for the person. I’d had run to the moon and back for you Paul. Why did it take you so long to appreciate that. And the girl you dated when I left our school upstate broke up with you just two weeks later for your friend. You tell me you don’t love me and you start dating this girl from your town. And years pass. As I’m left with this hurt. But yes I moved on, I was forced to. You forced me to move on, you said you didn't love me. We stopped talking (fighting) because you dated somebody else. I became really lonely after you left. For a short while I tried to find comfort in men and felt like if I slept with them it would fill that loneliness, that then they’d love me. Until I started getting playing and used. By the time I was in my 20’s I was no longer a sad little lonely insecure girl. I developed into a cold hearted savage. I didn’t let any men I met know that 16 year old girl that fell in love with you back in high school. When I turn 24 you started messaging me again. And you’re telling me if you would’ve been with me and I never left. If we were still together today then your life would’ve been so different. You would’ve been happy and felt loved and appreciated. Instead your ex cheated on you and broke your heart. You just kept reiterating how much different your life would’ve been if you stayed with me.You tried so hard to see me Again. You kept saying “I’ll get in my Chevy right now and come see you, I could get there in three hours”. And I just couldn’t and maybe I should’ve maybe now we would’ve been happy. Because losing me made you change the way you were with me. It made you realize that I shouldn’t have been taken for granted. You even told me you probably did love me back, back then but you just didn’t even realize it yourself. You kept telling me you should’ve never cared what other people thought. And I wanted to love you back. But I couldn’t. You broke my heart. It took years to overcome that trauma. When I deeply love somebody and I am left and then forced to move on, when they come back my heart can’t fall for the one person who broke into a million pieces again. After you there was Chris. And the same exact thing happened. I just built up the strength to stop reaching out. And I received a similar phone call. How nobody loved him like I did. After he told me I was fat and he never liked me a year ago. He kept saying he had no real friends. I was the only person who wanted whats best for him or cared about him. Even his mom his only family member gave up on him. I even tried to give Chris a second chance. The guy I was so crazy about that I found both his parent's address’s online. Had my friend drive almost two hours so I can park outside of your house and honk my horn for 3 hours. You didn’t want me then Chris, not when i was so crazy and passionate about you. You only wanted me back, just like Paul when you left me all alone to experience life without me. And realized “Wow, it was Tracy all along”. I know your engaged now Paul. And I’m so happy for you. I hope this one is loyal and treats you right. I hope you are happy. I wish I could say the same for myself. But I let myself love again. Since the first time you left me broken. As I realized even with Chris the connection couldn’t compare. I told myself I’d never do it again. And he crept in even if I tried to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. The story starts and pretty much ends the same. Expect there’s no telling if he’ll come back years later. But I think this one is done for good. I've been so under appreciated for years again. And I still try to understand why all the other Ex’s are always told I love you. And why you all go crazy and have cried and chased them when they left you. But with all three of you it went exactly same. And right before I walk away or just let you finally push me away the lasts words you always say to me is “I don’t like you.” The three of you have worded your last goodbyes differently to me. But theres only so many times I can keep loving somebody while they keep telling me over and over that “I’ve imagined everything.” I don’t understand why the two of you came back. What suddenly made me lovable then? What’s wrong with me Paul? Why couldn’t you love me when I needed you to? What is it about me? Why is the person I love only capable of loving me back when I leave them. Girls with hateful hearts, cheat, lie and use men, all get love. And I make peanut and jelly sandwiches with a little smile on the front piece of bread made out of jelly with a sweet note have a good day at work yours always Trace. I’m just so tired Paul. I thought after you god wouldn’t put me through it again. I realize that I can never fall in love again. The problem is that because I am such an Intelligent deep person I end up loving each and every man I fall for in a way they’ve never experienced before. And that’s what you said Chris, You love me because of my heart and what I would do for the people I care about. I’m like this with all my friends. However I do protect myself and don't just fall right in. I’m guarded. But with love I fall in blindly, head first. I just go into it believing that because they experience such a deep love and receive the type of care from me that they didn't know existed in relationships that would mean they’d never leave. You came back Paul and I thought maybe it was just you and we were teenagers. Then for a little while there was Chris and when that ended the same and he loved me when it was too late. I told myself the next person I open my heart to will definitely appreciate my love. Because still even up until this past year Chris call’s me saying he know’s he's lost the only person he ever loved. That’s why I say I can’t fall in love again. Because it’s not in my nature to not completely take care, support, build my man up and constantly just let him know how amazing he is. I just keep thinking about how if I loved the three of you less, then maybe I'd be married right now. I can't understand how my problem Is I always love somebody too much.
As I was sitting in my car and the song Last Kiss came on. I just started crying. Because what happened to me today is the exact same moment of when I left you in high school after you left me. Last Kiss, my friend singing that song, that was our very last memory together. I never saw you after that Paul. And today I had my last moment with another person like you. I just needed to hear it one more time the “I don’t like you, you don’t mean anything to me”. That was the last time I needed to hear it. Because like you all have seen that last time happens and then that’s it. It’s just completely over. And I just never want to fall in love again. I don’t think I can ever be happily in love. Not unless I could love somebody less. So yes, you all had your famous last words. The last words you could never take back that have haunted you, Paul and Chris for the rest of your lives. And I know they will haunt you too.
And the song song last kiss just replays on repeat.
“All that I know is I don't know
How to be something you missed
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this….”