Everything is nothing if I can’t have you.

The summer is soon coming to an end. I hate watching the seasons change. In a few weeks when it becomes September it’s just another sad reminder that I’ve lost you. I had so much hope before. Everyday I told myself this wasn’t forever. I held onto the fact that I believed you would get clean. I believed we’d get married and have a family. You made me believe in things and become a person I didn’t know existed. You made me love, love. I finally experienced true bliss when I was with you. I was always content and confident. But when I fell in love with you and when you loved me back the times you did I experienced a type of happiness that someone with depression didn’t know could exist. I would do anything to be with you forever. That’s what hurt’s. There’s absolutely nothing I can do. You chose drugs. You told me to go, to leave you alone. You said you were always with other girls behind my back. What broke me is you asked me “Where we even together?”. For me you’re not just my ex, You’re the love of my life. It saddens me to know that I have always just been nothing to you other than a friend. You said you will never get clean and you will always want drugs and other women more than me. It’s heart breaking. I created this life for us in my head. And I’ve told you it many times. We’d start our investment property business together. You’d become a licensed contractor. We’d buy a 1.2 million dollar house in my town. We’d have a German Shepherd named Moischelech, Moishy for short and a Boston Terrier named Beanie. A little girl named Nicoletta Bailey because you told me you always liked the name Nicolette for a girl, my grandmas name was Concetta, so that’s why I came up with Nicoletta. And Bailey is my moms nickname. I picked Ralph because that was my grandpas name and I love Italian names. You’d have the Mercedes AMG you always wanted. I’d one day own a Bentley. We’d be the couple that didn’t like to sleep apart. That were true soul mates and truly best friends. People would see us together and wish they had what we had. We’d always be happy because we always had each other. And in our 80s or early 90s one of us would get sick from old age. And shortly after the other person would get sick too because we can’t live a day without each other. We’d die together holding hands in the hospital bed. But that will never be. Such a huge dream and it will never exist. All the success in my career isn’t making me happy at all anymore. I’m so unbelievably hurt because I can’t have you. You will never be mine. I feel like I’m starting my life over. Trying to find my way again. Being without you kills me. But what kills me more is knowing not only have you picked this life of drugs and drug addicts over this beautiful life we could live together. Is that you could die at any given moment. I did a lot of thinking. I did my research. If you let this earth I would not be able to live anymore. I couldn’t do it. I could make it through other deaths and I hate to say that because I’m so close with my family. But you are family to me. That’s what your soulmate is to you. Which I felt you were. I would die of broken heart syndrome if you killed yourself. I would not be able to move on or live my life. If you kill your self you’re killing me too. You feel strongly for your soulmate. You fell you will be with this person forever. And one day you’ll have their last name. You’ve been family to me for a long time. But I love you in a way I could never love other family that isn’t you. The love I feel for you is so strong that I fully realize I could never love somebody else. I thought over time I’d fall out of love with you. But I still love you as much as I did two summer’s ago before you broke up with me. I just can never stop loving you. It’s not possible. That is a huge reason why it’s frustrating when you ask me certain questions. “Why are girls attracted to the MGK type” (guys that look like you). “What if you like somebody else?” (directly after I told you I never want to be apart from you and that I always want you in my life). Even making a fake account as a different guy trying to see if I’m talking to other men. It’s so frustrating to me because you clearly do not understand at all how much I love you. And like I said it’s not possible for me to fall out of love with you. We share such a deep, strong connection. We have this spark, this chemistry that just never dies. The passion is what keeps me from walking away. Nobody makes me feel the way you do. Nobody connects with me the way you do. And we both knew it, I know you did too. Before we meet, when we talked on the phone for hours at a time we both felt “Yeah she’s/he’s the one. It’s an unspoken understanding we always used to have. We’ve never actually spoke about this openly. We never addressed the crazy connection we have. Something you think only exists in movies. I don’t think either of us thought it really existed until it did with us. I knew it was love when I saw you for the first time and you looked really sick from drugs and I didn’t run away. And I still found beauty in you and became attracted to you even though you were at your worst in your addiction. I loved you at your very worst. I can’t understand how you question these things. I feel like screaming “Don’t you realize how much I fight for you and how I never gave up once in almost three years?!”. I never stopped loving you not for one second. And I never stopped believing in you or wanting to spend forever with you. But now you have asked me to stop believing you and to give up. I know I need to respect your wishes and let you live the life you prefer. And I’m praying you don’t take your life because I will go with you. I will die of a broken heart. The thing that always gets to me is the seasons changing from summer to fall. The summer is so much fun. And then the cold starts coming around. And all the holidays start. I used to love them summer changing to fall because of the Jewish holidays in September then my birthday and Halloween to follow. I especially love Christmas time. Now I hate the holidays. I was so depressed last Christmas that I kept snapping at everyone. And I went to bed Christmas night begging god to take my life. It starts with Rosh Hashanah when you don’t wish me a happy Jewish new year. Then it’s my birthday the day after Halloween and Halloween. Another party I throw that you don’t come to. And the this will be the second year you don’t call you or even text. Thanksgiving with my family and wishing I could finally bring you and you could meet everyone. Reminding myself that you will never even get to meet my mom and big brother. By the time Christmas comes the depression creeps in. Wishing we could see the tree together, see a Christmas carol, see all the pretty lights and decorations, exchange thoughtful gifts. I always wished for you to come to church with my family. Christmas season is my favorite season after the summer and now I don’t enjoy it anymore. New Year’s Eve and watching the ball drop and not being able to kiss you. Checking my phone for the millionth time that night at midnight and still no happy no year text. By the time Valentine’s Day rolls around I just desperately want the holiday season to end because I can’t keep being reminded that I will never have you. That you are gone. We met at the end of December three years ago. So this is my third New Year and Valentine’s Day that I sit around praying, wishing you’d call. Or that you’d surprise me with something cute sent to my house. What I really wish for though is to be with you, for you not wanting to be without me either. The second year I think about those bracelets I told you I really wanted. That you and I would wear. You can send vibrations to your significant other throughout the day. They are for long distance relationships. You instantly shut that down it made me cry a little. You said they were gay and I should be concerned if a man would wear then because he would be gay. That really hurt me that you felt expressing our love for each other like that is “gay”. I spent so much time researching them and watching videos and your response had really hurt my feelings. I should’ve known to walk away. When there were clear signs you must really not love me. You never spent a penny on me the whole time you’ve known me. But you spent $9 like nothing to cat fish me on my only fans account. With that $9 you could’ve sent me a milkshake. I couldn’t believe you did that. I realize it’s not that you don’t have any money it’s that doing anything nice for me doesn’t matter to you. I give and I give and I give our whole time together and I get nothing back in return. I keep saying well he has an excuse the bracelet is 90 dollars. In the scheme of things what’s 90 dollars with how much money I’ve spent on you which is probably even more than two thousand dollars. However this Holiday season I have prepared myself. I will not be let down or heart broken because there is no you and I. And according to you there never was. Not even when you told me that you were my boyfriend. You were never mine even at a time I thought you definitely were. I just want to enjoy the rest of August until I’m stuck with the sad truth when the cold air starts surfacing. You are really gone. We are really over. You will always be an addict. I need to accept that and love you for the rest of my life from a distance. Because I will never not love you no matter where my life takes me. You will always have my heart.