Happy Belated Birthday Bubala

I'm sorry I didn't wish you a happy birthday. It's the first year in two years that I haven't. No call, no text, no gift. I honestly feel it hurt me more than it did you. I feel I've lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. Who am I without you? And what am I without you? For the past year and 8 months I felt in my heart you would get clean. I never let go. I never gave up. I felt I knew we would be together. And my world has come crashing down beside me because now I realize none of it will ever exist. You will never be mine. I just don't know how to move on or leave you in the past. At this point I have given up because I feel the turth has set in. And you even spoke it yourself, you will never want me more than drugs. You will always care about getting high more than being with me. I can't understand it. I cry and cry and yell at you. We fight back and forth. We say we love each other then we say we hate eachother. And nothing will ever change. Because you won't. You've given up on yourself and you asked me to as well. Unfortunately there are addicts that never get clean and just use their whole lives or sadly pass away. I feel so broken knowing there is no future with us, that this is where we end. I never even got to make love to you. And you are makng love to other addicts in a way you've saved for me inside your head. I just want you to choose me. I want the pain of me leaving to destroy your heart. I want the sadness of not speaking to me for months be stronger than the sickness of not doing heroin. I want the pain to be worse than being dope sick. And I just can't matter that much. I'm losing sight of my future. Of who I want to become. What will bring meaning to my life. And for the past three years the only thing that brought my life true meaning was you. The only person I wanted in my future was you. My whole future was based around you. And now theres just this emptiness surronding my life and who I will be because there is no you. You're just never going to chose me. At this point you can't be there for me. You can't even just be nice to me because of your addiction. You have been so mean to me, so hurful. I can't believe the way you've been speaking to me. I cant keep tolerating and accepting your mean behavior. I love when it's just us two and we are on the phone, texting or in person and we are both just being ourselves no guards up. You aren't trying to push me away and we just fall into eachother. And that's what we do just fall into each other. Fall back into the same place we left. It's like we are two puzzle pieces that fit together and the pieces snap back in place when we speak again. Our souls are intertwined. Our brains are always connected. And I couldn't stop loving you even if I wanted to, you are a part of me. I just don't know how to keep on going without you. And I have to, we can't be together if you won't get clean. And now I know the fake profiles are you, I know not to talk to any suspicious accounts anymore. You won't be able to trick me into staying in communication with you now. For the first time since we reconnected on instagram almost three years ago we are going to have to be apart. I don't want to be though. But you've chosen drugs. You'd rather get high and make love to addicts in a way that is only supposed to be with me. You kiss and touch girls and think of me the entire time. But you shouldn't be thinking of me, you should be with me. You shouldn't be making love to girls in a way that was supposed to be special and just for me. Your lips should never touch someobdy elses that aren't mine. But you are ok with this life. You told me we can never work because you will always want drugs more. I'm so completely broken that I don't even know what to do with myself. You were my life and now you are just nothing anymore. I can't keep pushing you to go to rehab and speaking about it. You've made a firm decision. You've created a life for yourself. And it's a life that doesn't involve me.



I was okay today for the most part. I knew I was doing the right thing by not reaching out to you. You know you didn't deserve a birthday wish or gift from me. You know my reasons are valid. I was driving home and Demi lovato's song sober came on. I broke down in tears as I pulled my car around and parked in front of my house. I don't think you understand how sick I get when I start envisioning you actually doing the drug. You snorting or shooting it. You sitting with another girl and snorting lines of dope together and then having sex. It's tears me apart inside. Rips out my insides. It's a type of hurt I never felt before. It makes me feel numb. My friend Nick wanted to see me today. He was my best friend for a long time. I had once thought I loved him. But after loving you, I knew it wasn't true. He came over and he said I was shy. And I had never been shy before. I was trying to explain to him that it's not that I'm shy it's that you were my only love for almost three years and I devolped a strong comfortability with you. We just connected instantly, our souls instaneously intertwined and we had such a strong bond that we were instantly best friends. I felt I knew you forever. I never experienced such a strong bond with somebody. I couldn't be shy with you. You just knew me and I knew you. We'd pick at each other, tease each other, flirt and just say I miss you, and recently I love you. You knew me like the back of your hand. I know you too. There was never akwardness or shyness because we were apart of each other. You were the missing half of me that I spent years trying to find I imagined us together the whole time I was with Nick. Nobody would understand, especially not him. He's 6 foot 3, 215 lbs, huge arms, tan skin, almond brown eyes, a shit ton of money in the bank and buying his first rental property, going back to school for a 6 figure job. But already makes a lot of money, has his own car, apartment, most womens dream. Also undeniably nice. I ignored his texts earlier in the week because I felt I wasn't ready to start chilling with other guys and he texts me today to just see if I'm okay because he knows about my mental health problems. Something you've never done. You have never texted me and just asked "Are you okay?". That's why I say he's perfect, but on paper. That spark we have that bond is just missing. And while I'm with him I'm thinking about if it was you. How you'd be teasing me and calling me a spoiled princess for drinking my moms expensive bottle of french rose'. How you'd slap my ass when we walked up the stairs. Sit next to me and rest your head on my chest while I ran my fingers through your silky blonde hair. The thing that hurt the most is him leaving. He hugged me goodbye. And I felt like I could've cried right there. I haven't hugged anybody since you. And I felt like breaking down but waited for him to leave. I went upstairs and listened to a love song while drinking my bottle of expensive rose' to numb my feelings. I wish so bad those arms around me were yours. I just sat and cried for a while knowing that this is what my life has to be now. I'll never feel for somebody what I feel for you. We only have one soulmate in life. Some people never even meet theres and they settle before they ever could. I refused to be in a relationship. To continue seeing guys. I wanted to find that person were everything just made sense and every part of me wanted them. When I met you I knew I would never want anybody else. Nobody told me that I should stop searching for mine. Why isn't there a life lesson or a rule book on "What if your soulmate is an addict?". Nobody preapres you for that. Because then you have to live the rest of your life without your soulmate and settle in a relationship where you go to sleep crying because you compare every last encounter and experience with them to the true person you were meant to be with. And the experiences and the feelings can just never compare. I'll just never be whole again. When you chose drugs over me you took a piece of me with you. A part of me will just always feel forever empty.

Happy belated birthday Bubala. Here's to the rest of my life without you.