up to Chris's family cabin was quicker than usual. Part of me was a little sad about it. I loved the long drive up. Seeing all the trees dusted with snow, and the ground cloaked in sheets of white. It all looked so surreal. It was perfect. During the ride up, Chris and I would play silly games like, I spy with my little eye and find -blank- coloured cars. This time though, we didn't. He seemed preoccupied and in a rush to get up there. It was the quietest drive we've ever had, and it made me super uneasy. When we finally arrived, some two hours later, I was relieved to see the old log cabin. It looked as it always did, so sweet and you could tell even from the outside how coE it felt. The black door along the dark wood, the smoke already coming out from the chimney. They vines that covered it, brushed with just enough snow that it looked like a painting. I loved it here. I was hoping his mood would change now that the drive was over. But as soon as we parked out front of the cabin, he was rushing me in. Grabbing all the bags, without letting me help at all. I just followed behind quietly up the stairs to the front door, trying to gauge what the fuck was going on with him. He unlocked the door, and he before he opened it he stopped. He turned to look at me. His face was flushed. His dark brown eyes looked nervous and suspicious all at once. His hair lightly hung in front of them. His mouth was in some weird, nervous smirk. I had never seen it before. It made me feel even more confused than I already did. "That was weird, I know" he started saying. I could tell now that he sensed my uneasiness. " I promise it will all make sense in a moment. Before we go in, I just wanted you to know that everything is okay. I know you're probably thinking something is wrong, something is up, and you're not entirely wrong.." My stomach dropped, but I kept listening. "But it's not what you think. Just, trust me, okay?" I nervously nodded my head, but to be honest, I didn't like this. He knew I hated surprises, but I followed him through the door anyway, my curiosity just needing to be fed. I stepped in behind him, and my mouth flew open. The black carpet in the foyer was covered in rose petals that led a path all the way through the hall, through the kitchen and into the back and only bedroom in the house. I turned to look at him. He was no longer carrying all the bags, and they were all just on the floor behind him. He grabbed my hand, "come" he said, "there's more." I allowed him to lead me through the cabin, looking at all the beautiful hues of red on the floor beneath me. "Wait" I said and stopped him just before getting to the bedroom "we haven't even taken our shoes off, we've tracked snow all through the house." I could tell he didn't care, but I did. I released him hand and took mine off, he did the same. "There, are you ready now?" I smiled and nodded. We walked through the bedrooms threshold, and my eyes began to water. The room was lit only by the dozens of candles that were burning throughout. More rose petals all over the floor and on the bed. Pictures of us covered the walls. 7 years worth of pictures, moments, memories that we've shared together. I was trying my best to not becoming a puddle of water, but I was just so overwhelmed in that moment by my love for that man. As much as I hated surprises, Chris always had the best ones up his sleeve. I felt him start to lower himself, and my heart was racing. I knew what was coming. He was on one knee now, tears in his eyes too. It's finally happening, omg - is all I kept repeating in my head. "Erica.." his voice was cracking. It was the sweetest sound. "From the moment I met you, I knew you'd turn my world upside down. I never thought I could want this. I never thought I'd be ready. Stuff like this hasn't always been easy for me, you know that, but I'm gonna do my best. You came into my life at a time I wasn't sure I knew what love was, or that it even existed. I didn't want to waste you time, but I didn't want anyone else to either. There was just something about you that made me feel safe. That made me feel home. Over the last seven years, I've tried to find the perfect time to do this, but never could get it right. But anytime would have been the perfect time, because I had you. You are my safe space, my greatest love, my partner in crime, my other, better half. You're my best friend. I don't want to ever do this thing called life without you. It's you and me, forever. I will spend the rest of my life, reminding you how much I love you, if you'll let me. I know it's always felt like this, but let's make it for real for real. Erica Newman, will you marry me?" I dropped to the floor to meet him where he was. I just grabbed him face and started kissing him. He didn't even have the chance to put the ring on my finger before I was ripping his clothes off. As he was mine. The passion and need to be in this space together, this close, this intimate, couldn't wait. We made love for hours. Over and over, until we were both completely spent. He crawled out of bed to grab the ring off the floor, I had almost forgot I wasn't yet wearing it. He came back to bed and slipped it on my finger. "There, now it's been done." We both laughed, and it all just felt so good, so right. I loved this man so much, and he loved me. That was enough. I didn't care if we had nothing else, because we had that. We never went to sleep that night. We just stayed up talking, laughing, being together. The sun was coming up when we realized it. We both knew that we wouldn't be able to sleep now that we saw the sun was up. It was weird, but we had always been like that. Chris got up and got dressed. "Where are you running off to already?" I asked him, hoping he'd just come back to bed. He came and kissed me. "I'm just gonna run out to grab us coffee, you want anything else?"
The Last Purge of Scorpio Season
It's been dark, heavy, intense to say the least. I feel like I'm in a limbo between knowing what I have to do and where to start and do it. I'm hanging in between some sort of internal battle where there is no clear winner, and the only way for it to end is through the death of one. In my nature, it's hard to let go. Of anything, anyone. Even old versions of myself that are already burning. I try and put out the flames instead of letting her fall away. Even though, I am aware enough to know that underneath the ashes, there is another version of me, that is needed for what's to come, just waiting to be allowed to rise. But I use my new flesh to put out the scorched pieces hanging from the bones of my old self. Why? Why do I do this? Maybe I like the pain, maybe I'm a masochist. I don't really have an answer. Or at least one that makes sense. How do you let of something, that you know is bad for you to hang on to, that you know is already dying? How do you release the need to control? These are all good questions, that I ask myself often with only a blank expression to follow in response. Because I don't know. What I DO know, is that I'm meant for more than this. I'm meant for legacy. I'm meant to leave my mark on this world, and on the souls on it to reflect on long after Jessica is gone. I am meant to help transform the souls brave enough to step into the dark and dive into the depths, into the underworld of existence and come out reborn. The thing is, when it comes to me, I get stuck there. I can swim in the dark, blindly, and know where I'm going. It's coming up that's scary. I don't know what to expect of her. The new parts of myself. I don't really know what she's like. That's scares me. How do you release the fear of the unknown, even when you know behind the door is gold? I'm drowning in the indecisiveness and the struggle that I am creating. Yes, I am creating it. I own that. Suffering in the silence of my own undoing is what I'm good at. It's what I know. Eventually, the phoenix will have to rise, meaning the old skin of me that I'm shedding will have to fall completely away. It's inevitable. Whether I go easy or not is the point. It won't change the outcome. You can run from destiny. A promise was made long before I wore this body, and it needs to be carried out before I leave it. How do I remember enough to trust what's coming, when right now all it does is hurt?
The Battle of a Day
Days are filled with bouts of anger and oceans of tears forming in my eyes. I have no control over my emotions or how they choose to seep through me. The demons inside me lash out at the ones I hold dear, and there's nothing I can do about it. Everyday I wake up in a whirlwind of feelings, sitting at my desk, I weep uncontrollably, for no apparent reason. When the tears have been shed, my hands clench hard into fists until my nails make deep indents in my palms. Again, for no reason that is clear. I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm nervous. I can't stop thinking about things I don’t want to be thinking about, things I shouldn’t be thinking about. Even if I try to focus my mind on something else, the memories still play in the background like elevator music. Still there, still wanting to be heard. I can’t take it anymore. I can feel myself getting bad again, but I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to help myself. The bottles of empty wine are starting to build up in my cupboards. Each one pushing the angst of my soul a little further down. But after the buzz subsides, it come back up flooding my veins and entire nervous system. I know it's not healthy, but anything beats the pills.