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“Why I can NOT be Beautiful?!”

by Meghan LeVaughn 2 months ago in pop culture / trauma / therapy / stigma / social media / panic attacks / eating / disorder / depression / anxiety · updated 2 months ago
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My Body Dysmorphia poetic-journey since over 20 years.

“Why I can NOT be Beautiful?!”
Photo by Viktor Forgacs on Unsplash

This is my poetic journey for over 20 years with Body Dysmorphia(or Body Dysmorphic Disorder). It may be a content warning with depression, body shame, swear language, anxiety, eating disorders/disordered eating, inner critic, body dysmorphia, trust issues, suicidal thoughts, ableism, sexism, and perfectionism.

When did I ever notice that I was beautiful? Or gorgeous?

It has been since the day I was born.

34 years ago,

I thought I was beautiful.

It was a blessing.

I wish I could believe it more than I thought before.

I smiled and agreed-

Happy as a loving doll.

I always love dressing up.

I always love playing with dolls.

I always loved fairy tales.

I always loved princesses.

I always love to do make-up.

A few years later, it seems very odd.

It seems that I'm not sure if I AM beautiful.

Then, something changed.

It doesn't feel right.

I'm in pain.

My teeth look weird.

Even My smile.

When I smile, I look just like Mileena from Mortal Kombat or Quasimodo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

The reality has gone real.

Then, I reached puberty–it turned even uglier!

Once I had gotten older, it began even worse and much uglier than I could imagine.

I can't be around in public!

Why can't I smile?

Why does my smile look hideous?

I don't know.

The makeup is overwhelming, no matter how tired I am or how I use them.

I had never been on stage!

I had never been on film for acting!

I had never performed!

I had never been to ballet!

I had never cosplayed before!

I had never been to a drama or a theater play!

I had never been to a magazine or any media!

I had never been on the commercial!

I had never been interviewed in front of the screen!

I had never been on the red carpet!

I had never competed!

I had never done that as a cheerleader!

I had never been on the dance team!

No matter how much I want to look good!

I tried to believe that I am beautiful as others said.

Sadly, I'm not.

Why?

I wish I could accept their compliments.

I tried! I tried!

I tried to believe it!

In reality, it feels like I am NOT.

Why am I so ugly?

Why have I always looked so fat?

Why did I always look huge?

Why do I look like the Incredible Hulk?

Why can I be beautiful?!

What about the others?

I don't know why!

Why did I look so worse in photos and videos while others looked more natural?

Why can't I be beautiful with these selfies I took?

I tried to do some glamour shots–

Sadly, I don't have the look.

Why don't they see me if I'm beautiful?

Why can't I see myself as beautiful?

When I looked in the mirror, I felt uncomfortable.

It looks horrible!

I was crying!

I was crying so hard that it wouldn't stop.

Others may agree with that.

Am I a monster?

Am I an animal?

A broken doll?

I just don't get it!

Why do my teeth and my smile look horrible & terrifying?

Why do I have a droopy, lazy eye?

Why does my nose look broken?

Why does my nose look masculine?

Why do I have a wide body?!

Why do I always look disgusting?

Why do I always look tired?

Why do I always feel bloated?

Why do I always look deformed?

Was I deformed or defective since birth?

An accident that I didn't know about?

Why does my voice sound so weak?

0Why did I act so awkward?

Why does my body look stiff?

Why do I always keep saying this?

Why can't I?

I DON'T KNOW!!

Why do I always sound harsh or mean to myself?

I DON'T KNOW!

Why does anyone believe that I have body dysmorphia?

I don't know!!

I just don't know!!

Please—

Just LET IT OUT!

Listen.

Listen to me.

Why?

Why is society so ugly?

Of course, it is ugly.

It's been too much.

Too much to be perfect-

Too much to look good for everyone-

Why does society never accept any of us? Why me?

Why can't I just fix my face and my body?!

Why does the food make me so fat even when I try to eat it?

Body Dysmorphia is like a prison!

A nasty b*tch

A nightmare that will never go away!

It won't stop.

But why?

I hope they can understand this.

I wish they can believe that I have this issue–

This pain.

I wish I was beautiful.

I just want to be beautiful.

I just wish they could see that.

It's still not as easy as you think.

It's not easy.

This is serious.

I'm not an attention seeker.

I'm not selfish.

I'm not vain.

Body Dysmorphia is REAL.

I know I do not have great positivity for my body.

I still have to keep going until I look good.

I can't be around that's way too toxic for me or something pressures me that would make me uncomfortable.

So, I'm okay with body neutrality.

That's ok.

I still want to look beautiful until it's just right.

The list of songs that inspired me with Body Dysmorphia

  • Dysmorphia’ by EylainSoul
  • Prom Queen’ by Beach Bunny
  • F**kin Perfect’ by P!nk
  • “Idontwannabeyouanymore’ by Billie Eilish
  • God Must Hates Me’ by Catie Turner
  • “Scars To Your Beautiful’ by Alessia Cara
  • “Mrs. Potato Head’ by Melanie Martinez
  • “Body’ by Mother Mother

Special reference--

Check out the piece I did (When I look in the Mirror’, for the theme-Ugly on page 74 from Polemical Zine Vol. 7-

pop culturetraumatherapystigmasocial mediapanic attackseatingdisorderdepressionanxiety

About the author

Meghan LeVaughn

I'm Meghan. I’m almost 35. I always love to be creative and using my imagination since I was a little girl. I like stories & love to share my inspirations, journeys, etc.

www.twitter.com/MegsDreamDesign

www.instagram.com/meghansdreamdesigns

Reader insights

Outstanding

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  1. Heartfelt and relatable

    The story invoked strong personal emotions

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Comments (3)

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  • Story Girl CA- Caroline2 months ago

    I used to think I was ugly, but not anymore. And we're all beautiful!

  • Ugh....I hate you feel this way. Sadly, most of us do. Such a great topic to be sharing. Thank you

  • Amy Hall2 months ago

    Great read I loved it! Looking forward to seeing more of your work! Please consider reading mine if you have time if you like it I'm new so please consider subscribing.. more to come! I struggle with this a bit too. I can related. Beautifully written

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