Where Did My Life Go?

"Where did my life go?"

This is a question that keeps popping up in my mind again and again many years after my traumatic past life ended.

"Is this a repeat of the past?"

This question pops up when something happens in my life that reminds me of the trauma that I went through, whether it is an argument that has nothing to do with me, a fire accident that I was not involved in, or a fight in the street that is unrelated to me.

We all have triggers after trauma, and those triggers never leave us. We learn to deal with them over time, but we never forget the events that caused the trauma.

Some people think therapy is magic.

They think that once a person has completed therapy, then they will live a happy, trauma-free life with no memory of their experiences.

This is a misconception.

Therapy can provide a person with the skills to deal with the trauma, but the memories are always there, and certain situations can bring those memories to life.

And back to the question, "Where did my life go?"

I was sitting on my couch having Coffee this morning while my grandchildren were playing and laughing around me. It brought back memories of my parenting years, which were fraught with trauma, and it brought back memories from childhood and my young adulthood, which were also fraught with trauma.

I can recollect some happy times, but those are also mixed in with traumatic memories. My childhood and young adulthood were dominated by traumatic events.

I cannot recollect every happy memory I have made, but I can recollect all the bad ones.

As I watched my grandchildren I remember when my own children happily played, and sometimes had bad moods when they were little; I also remember holidays though regarding my first two children, I have very little recollection of their early years because I was constantly escaping violence.

I have very little recollection of their teenage years due to the trauma of having them taken into foster care at a time when I was very unwell and in recovery from trauma.

As I observe how happy my grandchildren are and watch my daughter parent them, I feel a pang of emptiness because I missed out on much of my own children's upbringing when they were growing up, and because I don't remember being as happy as my daughter and her partner in my young adulthood.

I feel like I never had a young adulthood.

I somehow bypassed those years because they were full of traumatic events, and I had to grow up fast.

I feel like a massive part of my life from my younger years is missing, it feels like I was thrown into adulthood before I had a chance to grow up.

I never got to go to college or university and I never settled into a proper job. My life threw so many storms at me that I did not have the time or mentality to withstand those things.

I was never able to go to college and finish my courses as a young person either because I was often pushed into work that I wasn't ready for.

On a positive note, during the recovery period, I did manage to attain a Certificate in the Humanities from the Open University around 2004, and I have gained a few more certificates over the last few years.

However, during those very early years of trauma in the 90s and early 2000s, it was very difficult to figure out who I was, let alone hold down any more advanced courses.

I think many people who have dealt with trauma ask the same questions as me,

and I will most likely ask myself that question again.

One thing is for certain, I am much more settled now than I was then, and I plan to build on things such as writing and studying for now.

One step at a time, and one moment a day.

I, like many others, may never find the answer to my question, and I will always feel sad at times and remember my past, but I can continue succeeding in the things I know I do best,

Reading, Writing, and Singing.

The future is in our hands.