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When Will This Enddd?

How to break the Spiral of worthlessness by letting the thoughts lead you into adventure, discovery, and freedom by using my most recent experience and sharing what I have learned to help you break the spiral for yourself.

By Felisha DanyellePublished about a year ago 8 min read
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Laying in bed at night, where it's still and quiet. I've put my phone down, and I stare up at my ceiling. My body ceases movement, but it seems as if my mind is running a marathon and my emotions are on a roller coaster.

"What if I didn't say that right? I hope I didn't offend them.

"I'm not smart enough to do that. I'm not pretty enough for that."

Or my mind is ready to go through the video gallery of memories from the past.

The bloody nose I had from being in the face before school, looking down at my sock and seeing the drops of blood that dripped from my nose. Holding in my tears because of the threat that filled my ears after being hit "You better not cry or I'll hit you again". Folding down my sock so it doesn't show the fresh blood stain.

Or the shame, anxiety, fear, and inferior feelings that loomed over me. From living in a run down trailer with holes in the floors and ceilings, letting in the cold winter breezes and welcoming the dry heat in the summer. Looking over on the left side of my bed and finding fresh snake skin that haunted me at night. Hearing movements in the dark reminding me that I am not alone here, and maybe it's the snake, or maybe it's the pregnant rat that I saw in the kitchen before leaving for school. Not wanting to open in my backpack because I had already been ridiculed terribly the day before because some roaches came out as I was grabbing my notebook.

The cycle seemed never ending...

The spiral continued downward and I find myself in a sometimes near fatal loop of finding reasons why I am worthless, a mistake, a nobody, etc.

UNTIL....

I began practicing how to unlock the fulfillment that was behind these judgments and curious thoughts I had and learned how to let them lead me to ADVENTURE, DISCOVERY, and FREEDOM instead of bullying myself into Shame and Worthlessness.

These practices that I look forward to sharing with you are some practices that I currently use in time of hardship, trial, darkness, lostness, etc.

Let me be clear though, none of these practices will STOP the feelings from coming to you, these practices will just help you see the light at the end of the tunnel faster than ruminating and marinating in the dark places that will only continue to swallow you.

You can't stop the storm, but you can choose how you see the storm now that it is here. How you choose to respond to the storm. How you plan for the storm in future.

I pray that this helps you as it does for me. So, now... let's begin.

HOW TO FIND ADVENTURE, DISCOVERY, and FREEDOM in the middle of your darkness :

1. The enemy can sometimes be the inner me. Welcome the practice of looking inward. How do you think you talk to yourself? Discover the truth of that with mindful awareness. You'd be surprised at how often you think you are at the gym just because your feet has led you to the gym. Or at work. Out in nature. With a friend. Sometimes our pain is used as a motivation to lift heavy, or to work harder, but if your mind has you in a holding cell, then what use is it? It will contaminate your mindset and perspective, and those two things are expressed through our speech, our behavior, and our responses to life. So, practice listening to what you are saying to yourself by being aware. What are you talking about with yourself? What was the last thing you said to yourself that you remember? What will be the next thing you say to yourself? Are your thoughts aligned to what's in front of you? An additional sweetener to this, is to practice being present in general. How do you do this? By practicing being present with what's present in front of you. Experience the world around you, not just live in it and take up space. Where are you? What colors do you see? What does it smell like where you are? Keep tab of the thoughts you have about yourself and the world around you. Journal it down in your phone a line or two or pin points that you remember. You will need this for step 2.

2. Take a peak at what you think. Use your notes or journal to look at the things you found. Do you think the things you wrote down are negative things? Positive things? Do you know where that thought or response may have come from? Was there something that caused that spiral that you remember? For the negative thins you find. Debunk it. Who said that about you? When did you begin to think that? What makes you a bad friend, not worthy, not attractive? Challenge your own thinking and beliefs. Every now and then when you challenge what you think is true, you start noticing how you don't fully agree or only sometimes agree during certain times or wonder where it came from altogether.

3. What are some things that makes you laugh? How do you like to handle stress? How would you like to spend your everyday if you could do it YOUR way? Get connected to your core. Your heart. Your soul. When you don't know how to feed your heart, your soul, you could potentially starve yourself and/or force feed yourself something you don't want like that. When you get connected to your core truths, you find what you stand for. Stand for something, or fall for anything. You're already in a tough spot, I don't think you'd want to discover how deep you can fall, right?

4. It's only half the battle to discover how you talk to yourself... You gotta practice now. Once you've found the areas of your life that can be more harmful than helpful, practice replacing the harmful with the healing. When you find yourself acting or responding in a way that fuels your self hatred, this is the perfect time to replace the hate with some love. Correct your mind, it doesn't know everything. You feed your mind with what you say and do. PRACTICE. I didn't say PERFECT. Not every time you'll see it. Not every time you'll know what to say.

5. Build an Environment for yourself to grow. Remember, you're shifting out of a blaming and shaming mindset into that of a growth mindset. There's a good chance the people you hang around, the music you listen to, the way you spend your time, they feed your spirals. Take a peak, and adjust where needed. Take a look at your Instagram, who do you follow? What do they talk about or influence you with? If need be, remove some of those influences and replacing them with pages and people who can provide insight on how to continue building momentum. Use the Instagram search tab to type in key words and hashtags to help you directly connect with pages who look like they could help you continue forward beyond this post. Also, it'll provide you with a sense of community knowing that not only the person behind the account but the followers they have also can agree that they would like more insight on the same obstacle you may be experiencing right now. If you find yourself in a situation where it is friends who feed your spirals, then it will be time to take a honest look into where you want them. If they are holding you back, then you NEED to cut back from them. Loneliness may loom over you, but why be on a sinking ship with people who put holes in your ship or helped you put holes in your ship to begin with?

CONCLUSION & RECAP

The conversations we have with ourselves can be more adventurous, curious, productive, less intimidating, insightful, safe, power GIVING, inspiring, whatever YOU want it to be. The question is: how do you want it to go?

To recap this

1. Learn and practice being present with your thoughts and surroundings and find a place for your observations to live so they aren't taking up space in your head. Meditation can help sharpen your awareness for this and practice noticing what's in front of you (colors, shapes, people, sounds, etc.) and checking in to see if your mind is in alignment to what's in front of you or has it drifted into the future or past.

2. Using your notes or journal that has your feedback,challenge your perceived beliefs and thoughts by discovering where they came from. Who said that you aren't worth it? What makes you unworthy of that? Do you DEEPLY believe those things all the time? Sometimes? Why only sometimes? Why all the time?

3. Connect with your core truths and values. Your mind has power to isolate you and it can lead to you forgetting who you are by design and have you operating like your experiences. If you could live today completely YOUR way, what would you do with the time you have? How would you like to feel throughout the day? What would you do? Release your deepest wants into the atmosphere so you can plan on how to do it in you reality.

4. P R A C T I C E. Replace those negative thoughts, reactions, responses with something that aligns with your beliefs and wants. It's okay, you won't catch every single one, every single day. Just do it as often as you can. Practice repetitive experience. Let your practice prove your commitment to getting out of the spiral.

5. Your environment is the ground you are walking and living on. Align your environment to get as close to your desires as possible. If you have friends or habits that don't align, you'll have to perform the swap/replace method on those areas.

I had a good time sharing these with you, and I pray that they encourage you to keep fighting the good fight, and you are a victor already, because you are alive.

You keep fighting. I will do the same. We are fighting together. If you need someone, please feel free to head to IG and send me a message. My handle is @Danyelleg.Perspective. You'll also find other posts and gems that have helped others along the way.

Thank you for Living.

Much Love and Gratitude.

Danyelle.

adviceanxietycopingdepressionhow tohumanityrecoverysupportdisorder
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About the Creator

Felisha Danyelle

Life is a journey, I provide tools from my experience so far to aid you on yours.

If I’m gone for a while, I’m in my becoming stage…

IG : @Danyelleg.Perspective to reach me personally.

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