The Battles Within: My Struggles as a Sufferer of A.D.H.D & Social Anxiety

Since I was a young child, dealing with the symptoms of ADHD and social anxiety disorder in social situations has been a constant struggle for me. Always running around, my mom found it really hard to control me because I was almost impossible to control due to suffering from ADHD as a child. It was suggested at the time that I have a special teacher to support me at school. When I was younger, I had a hard time paying attention, knuckling down, and concentrating on things that were important. (Though sadly, this still plagues me to this day, even at age 52.) It was difficult for me to concentrate on anything for a lengthy amount of time since I was always moving around and fidgeting.

My mind would constantly be going a million miles an hour, and I would be talking nineteen to the dozen and constantly being distracted by activities going on around me, disturbed by the slightest noise, and having to decipher exactly where that noise was coming from or I couldn’t rest! Curtain Twitchers Anonymous, that’s me! I seem to have a lawyer/Sherlock Holmes — detective mindset—always wanting the TRUTH, and to the annoyance of my family, always wanting to get to the bottom of things and solve them!

All the while, right up until August 2022, I had absolutely NO idea that all this was because I’ve been suffering from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. also known as ADHD).

Suffering from ADHD mixed with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) is such a toxic and diabolical mix that it doesn’t bear thinking about. (But obviously I am thinking about it, cause I’m writing about it….but hey, you get the drift?)

I found myself avoiding people at all costs because of my mental health circumstances!

I would feel dread and worry even in the simplest of exchanges with neighbors, friends, and even relatives outside of my immediate family. I often found myself inventing reasons to get out of social situations because the idea of having to converse and even make small talk was extremely daunting to me because I thought that people would make fun of me and treat me as beneath them.

Because of my social anxiety, I would simply avoid being around people; therefore, I would never go to Christmas work parties, etc. In fact, looking back, I really regret not going to my grandfather’s landmark birthday party, because that would have been the last time I saw him alive! This sadly is a case in point of succumbing to social anxiety.

So let’s face it, who would want to put themselves in that firing line? ……Certainly not me!

Yet throughout the years, the social anxiety I’ve been struggling with, coupled with the added adult ADHD difficulties, became much more crippling, especially in work environments. My coworkers, especially my department managers and bosses, would talk down to me, patronize me, hate me, belittle me, and make fun of me.

At times, because of all this, I would have complete and severe angry and emotional outbursts that would appear to the bystander to be something totally out of the blue! Yet I would be boiling away inside, not being able to cope, and because of the constant belittling, I would suddenly and without warning just erupt uncontrollably and smash things up in my direct vicinity.

At one time I was “squealed upon” and consequently summoned to the manager’s office, whereupon he would rail upon me for losing my temper on the shop floor! ……..Yet all the while I simply could not control my emotional behavior, and yet, when I would make a complaint about something in the workplace, my bosses would overlook it and ignore it.

Talk about battling injustices… Which CONTINUED!

I would try to talk to my coworkers at work just normally, but most of the time they would answer with mockery and disdain. This mockery even continued in a number of snooker clubs I used to belong to. I loved snooker and still do, and was a good player, but the disdain and belittling for me as a person continued! I would question why I was so different at the time, not knowing what I was going through. I now understand, years later, that this behavior was caused by my ADHD and social anxiety.

I was more than likely sending out negative vibrations (being timid, afraid, and socially very awkward) that would possibly irritate my coworkers, as well as being terribly afraid of getting into trouble.

I didn’t receive a diagnosis of ADHD or social anxiety disorder until after a conversation my nearest and dearest had with themselves on August 22. It became apparent that I was suffering from adult ADHD and social anxiety disorder. So I promptly went to see my doctor, took an official ADHD screen test, and low and behold, I scored very highly for adult ADHD.

So once I had a term for what I was feeling, I was relieved! This answered so many questions about what had been going on all these years!

Turning Point

I started taking action to control my symptoms. One of the most critical and life-changing turning points in my fight against social anxiety was when I attended this 12-week Zoom class, which came from Steps2Wellbeing.

So I booked myself into Steps2Wellbeing. I was given the option of going on a cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) course that was run by them.

I’ve been able to better manage my symptoms and lead a more fulfilling life thanks to therapy and treatment.

When I originally started thinking about taking the class, the idea of being recorded on camera with possibly ten other people, or more or less, was so scary that I almost chose not to sign up for it. On the other hand, I was aware that in order to at the very least start to overcome my social anxiety, I would need to take some initiative and confront my phobias head-on. This was the only way that I would be able to achieve this goal.

My first few sessions were marked by a tremendous number of challenges for me to overcome. Sometimes I would feel panicked and unable to sit still throughout the sessions, and occasionally I would turn off the camera out of embarrassment and discomfort because of all the faces looking at me.

In fact, in one session, I was only halfway through it when a particular subject matter was mentioned and one of the therapists started reading a story. With that, I sort of closed down emotionally and completely zoned out! I felt like I was back in school, and I hated and totally detested my school days. I actually felt, metaphorically, like the whole world and their friends were zooming in on me. I couldn’t take it any more, so I ended the session!

I actually feel fairly emotional even now, writing this!

Within 15 minutes after the Zoom meeting had officially ended, I received an encouraging call from one of the therapists, and I explained how I felt such a total failure for not only turning my camera off.. but leaving the session early! But she gave me great encouragement, and I continued with the sessions.

Despite this, leaving the session early and feeling like I had failed terribly, with the therapist’s encouragement, I forced myself to persevere and made the intentional decision to keep the camera on even through the most trying of times. This was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do!

As the weeks went on, I began to notice a significant decrease in the amount of worry that I was experiencing. This relief came as a pleasant surprise to me. Over the sessions, I became aware that I was improving my level of self-assurance and felt more at ease. During the sessions, I was even able to participate in group discussions without feeling judged or overpowered. I could see that I was becoming better with each passing week. Despite the fact that it was a slow but consistent process of coming out of our shells,

I found that one of the most helpful aspects of the training for me in terms of managing my anxiety was learning new strategies to cope with challenging situations. The therapists at Steps2Wellbeing taught us a range of strategies, including:

How to control your breathing institutions, such as core breathing and deep breathing etc…

An Overview of the Course:

Week 1: Introduction session

Week 2: An introduction to anxiety and how it affects the body

Week 3: Hierarchy of exposure; Goal setting

Week 4: The focus of attention

Week 5: The role of safety-seeking behaviours

Week 6: Spotting & challenging negative thinking

Week 7: Spotting unhelpful thinking styles

Week 8: Core Beliefs

Week 9: Introduction to Skills Work: Presentation skills; Introduction to the ‘The Project’

Week 10: Presentations week; Socialising skills: ‘The Party’

Week 11: Relapse prevention: Feedback from ‘the Project’

Week 12: Feedback from the Project: The Quest; Review and Evaluation

The above are taken from the Steps2Wellbeing CBT for Social Anxiety manual below:

https://www.steps2wellbeing.co.uk/_document/content/attachment/_275.pdf

These are great techniques that I could use to assist in calming my social anxiety whenever I was confronted with difficult circumstances. These approaches included breathing deeply and mindfully. Another thing that I found to be of tremendous assistance was talking to other people in the group who were going through similar difficulties as I was. For me, it was a great source of solace to realize that I wasn’t the only person who struggled with problems connected to social anxiety.

Participating in the Zoom class that NHS Steps2Wellbeing made available was, for the most part, a defining moment for me on the journey to conquering the effects of social anxiety. My decision to go ahead and sign up for the course was one that I am pleased with, despite the fact that there were aspects of the experience that were exceptionally challenging. Since then, I have gained a significant amount of confidence in both myself and my talents, and I have witnessed a significant improvement in my ability to maintain control over the anxiety that I have whenever I am in a setting that involves interaction with other people.

I am writing this piece to encourage anyone who is struggling with social anxiety, ADHD, or any other condition that is related to mental health to reach out to others for assistance and support. There are resources accessible to you that will assist you in overcoming the challenges you are currently experiencing and living a life that is more satisfying. These resources are available in a variety of formats, including talk therapy, medication, and support groups.

It is essential to always keep in mind that it is never too late to take action and make a difference in your life for the better!

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