Strange memories

This could get confusing as its about my strange memory, I know what I want to write but truthfully I might forget bits while doing it. It has been damaged by breakdowns many years ago and presently due to fibromyalgia. The present disability gives brain fog, getting worse when tired. It means I forget names, places and conversations. I can see what I want to say but the words go missing somewhere between my brain and mouth.

For example I recently wanted to suggest to my wife we tried the coffee shop by the llama farm near where we live. before I could verbalise this the word llama had wandered off behind a bale of hay. I could see it, I couldn't yet see the word, so I described them as hairy cows until the right word re appeared.

I often find myself starting conversations , knowing what I want to say but losing a key word before I finish talking. Similarly if asked a simple question the answer becomes nuclear physics level difficult. I have to speak with half my brain on the job while the other half is off looking for the words. It could be a name, a place or a medication, a problem as I work in healthcare.

All through this some memories are freely avaidible, in glorious technicolour, and nearly all are bad ones. I don't have the bad memories floating around, they are triggered easily though. The name of the wrong person or the wrong place triggers a list of bad moments. The nicer ones go missing until they can be brought out, kicking and screaming.

My ex wife gets mentioned occasionally, mostly due to being in contact with our eldest son. Immediatly bad memories of the marriage appear. The time together had a lot of low points, espicially the last few years. Though there must have been good stuff to start otherwise we wouldn't have married.

Both our children that we had together were both mentally and physically disabled. Therefore there were a lot of doctors and health care people involved, there were a lot of operations and general chaos through out their child and teenager years. Little of it was anything short of horrible, yet all of it can be conjured up at a moments notice.

Often one memory will trigger others, even if I try to resist the rabbit holes I begin to fall into. I start with one thing I said or did or was done to me and soon a stream of internal consciousness appears un invited. Even if the deeds involved different people or different places they all coalesce in too one big lump of bad recollection.

Maybe mention is made of a previous partner and how a relationship ended, then immediately all badly ended relationships band together. The ones that ended well stay hidden away till I can drag them out of the shadows. Even if I was partly or fully to blame for the failings i recall everything I did or said wrong. Never what might have led me to such a place.

So if a partner made the relationship toxic, caused arguments or in one case drew blood when attacking me the memories at first remind me how I ended things. In fact two relationships ended with violence towards me, something I have to add to the guilty stories that build up. I haven't ever ended a relationship that was going well, there was always varying degrees of problems. Only once did I move from a relationship directly to a new one.

I can recall bad days at home as a child, bad times at school and bad times at work. Often days and weeks and months blur into a mangled calendar of work and home and occasional highs. The good days come back when triggered, whether I look through photos or maybe Facebook reminds me of the past. If my memory gets any worse I will need to take more photos, tell facebook what I am doing or even start an old fashioned diary. This way I can look for reminders of more good stuff and less bad.

At least I will if I remember.