Ruled by Shame

I am not sure if you noticed when former AG Pam Bondi was being questioned by the House Judiciary Committee in February, and during other interviews, she would reply with huge negative emotional reactions and point her finger at the camera in defensive disgust at those questioning her cover up of the Epstein files. Forget the words that came out of her mouth for the moment and look at her nonverbal language (intense finger pointing and sneering). Most likely, she was mirroring how her parents, caretakers, and teachers scolded her when she was wrong in their eyes. In addition, characters like Stephen Miller and Todd Blanche also do quite a bit of finger pointing during interviews. Have you wondered why so many leaders in the Trump administration scold the camera and sneer at the interviewers with shame?

You may not immediately recognize shame in yourself, especially if you were raised in a home where being wrong was not tolerated. Instead, you might experience something sharper-irritation, defensiveness, or sudden anger when corrected. But psychological research suggests that in highly controlling or authoritarian households, children often learn that mistakes are not just behaviors-they are reflections of who they are. Over time, this turns ordinary errors into threats to identity. Studies have consistently found that authoritarian parenting-marked by high control and low emotional responsiveness-is associated with poorer emotional regulation and increased aggression later in life. What you feel as anger today may have started as something quieter and more painful: shame.

You can begin to identify this pattern by noticing what happens when you are wrong. For example, imagine someone points out a small mistake at work. Instead of simply correcting it, you feel a surge of heat-your chest tightens, your thoughts race, and you may either snap back or shut down. This reaction is not random. Research on self-conscious emotions shows that shame is deeply tied to early parenting environments, particularly those involving criticism, rejection, or rigid expectations. In those environments, you may have learned that being wrong meant being unworthy. So now, even minor feedback can feel like exposure.

A second example appears in close relationships. You might find yourself becoming disproportionately angry during disagreements, especially when your partner questions you. Instead of hearing their perspective, you feel attacked. This aligns with findings that shame is linked not only to internal distress but also to externalizing behaviors like anger and aggression. When you were raised in a system where vulnerability was unsafe, anger can become a protective shield-louder, more acceptable, and more powerful than admitting hurt or inadequacy.

A third example is avoidance. You may procrastinate, hesitate to try new things, or feel paralyzed by the possibility of failure. This, too, connects to shame. Developmental research shows that early parental bonding characterized by control without warmth can lead to persistent shame into adulthood, shaping how you see yourself and what risks you are willing to take. If being wrong once led to humiliation or withdrawal of approval, then avoiding situations where you could be wrong becomes a way to stay emotionally safe.

If these patterns feel familiar, the goal is not to label yourself but to understand the mechanism. Shame says, “I am wrong,” while anger says, “Something is wrong out there.” In an authoritarian upbringing, you may have learned to convert the first into the second because it was safer. Recognizing this shift-catching the moment where shame turns into anger-can help you separate your present reactions from your past conditioning. And once you can see it, you gain something you may not have been given growing up: the ability to be wrong without feeling like you are broken.

So, now that we have some awareness of the underlying cause of shame, keep an observant eye out for others and their nonverbal language and see if you can call out the mirroring done to them by others when they were growing up in authoritarian strongholds. It's probably no surprise now to see why so many Americans voted for Trump. They find it much easier to submit to authority than take the time and effort to process criticism and look inward. They are stuck in rigid programming that one must never admit imperfection or show weakness. They fail at the most important quality of being human-vulnerability and emotional adaptability.

Tony Martello, LMFT is a Marriage & Family Therapist who supports the community of the Central Coast of California.