Pills of Yesteryear

I started my mental health journey in 2014 with my diagnosis of depression. I had known for a couple years that something was amiss in my life and I could never figure out why I was always so sad. My mother was the one who suggested I go into get seen for depression, lo and behold I was started on a round of antidepressants that same day. I was supposed to check back in 3 weeks later to see how things were going, but my limited funds didn’t allow me to get seen again. Things start taking a turn for the worst and I am not any better, nothing is making sense. Finally I am able to financially go in for the follow up and am told you can’t stop antidepressants that quickly because it can cause your body to go into a deeper depression. Almost as if your body gets used to a certain feeling, and craves it when it leaves. I’m automatically put back onto this medication and given refills. That’s supposed to be it right? This is the cure all for my depression yes? I didn’t think so. Over the next few months I found myself getting more depressed and wanting to harm myself. I had never experienced that feeling in my life and I knew something was wrong, yet again. I gather up the money and go back in for a different medication, “ok this will be it”. I become dependent on this next medication because my mother is on it and it should help me too right? Wrong, after being on that antidepressant for years I hit another bump in the road. By this time I had already gone through the most traumatic thing in my life and I’m in therapy, another cure all right? I meet my now husband and we start talking about my medication and mental health, he kept suggesting that I go off of them and try to see what would happen. His experience with mental health meds goes back to being a child, drugged up so much he landed in a mental institution for 6 months. His experience was taken lightly, but something in my gut knew he was right. Time continues on trying yet another new med, then the switch happens. This next part will haunt me for the rest of my life, but it’s necessary for healing to talk about it. I was placed onto a medication for sleeping after I went in for yet another switch because it wasn’t working right. I was honest about not being able to get to sleep, and so on I go with another medication. This one lasted for 3 days as a door was opened in my brain that mixed with some form of uncontrollable rage. I ended up harming the man I love, the one who has decided to spend the rest of his life with me. I spent the next 2 years fighting myself in my head that I wasn’t crazy, I didn’t have other personalities taking over my body. Yet when those rage episodes happened and I physically harmed the one person that has never done anything except love me unconditionally and deal with my craziness. It got to a point I threw a glass bottle at his head with full speed, if he hadn’t moved his head I could have caused serious damage. Onto trying to hide from outside lookers as to why our front window is smashed out. Onto a couple of visits to the emergency room for suicidal ideation, put on more meds, different meds and still no resolution. This battle truly seemed to only lead to defeat. After the last emergency room visit that led to a traumatic experience in where I was blamed for everything I did to my husband, even though we both knew it was the medication. Fast forward to April of 2021 where I decided I could not do it anymore. I finally took the leap and listened to my husband after being on 6 different medications that year alone due to adverse side effects, especially with mental issues. I quit cold turkey because I knew the doctors would do everything to convince me that I would be more crazy without those medications rolling through my veins. I never suggest to anyone to do this, because this is my journey and my decisions. It took 2 months of bawling my eyes out, constantly questioning wether I should go back on them, yet my husband remained my rock through it all. I am now 2 years free of all mental health medications, I am doing shadow work, self healing, meditation and finding my own path in life. I have not harmed my husband since my body has been fully off the medications, and I can finally tell myself that I truly wasn’t at fault during those times. We have not had a fight in the same amount of time, and for that I am eternally grateful. Through my path of medication and mental health I have found that only truly wanting to change yourself will create any type of balance in your life. Choose you today, don’t choose what others may before you.