Perfect Reflection

I like to look at myself.

I think I see myself clearly.

I see what I want in the glass.

My perfect reflection.

I am perfect.

Always have been.

Always will be.

Amen. Hallelujah.

Let no-one else tell me otherwise.

*

I can do what I want

Because I'm perfect.

I can say what I want

Because I'm perfect.

I speak with impugnity

Because you have immunity

To everything I say and do

Because I am not hurting you.

*

Outsiders tell me I am flawed.

I am, but not in their words.

I recognise myself:

I know myself.

I am not what you say I am.

I decide how I am flawed.

I can use my personality filter

To sieve my behaviour

And when I look

Only tiny pieces of goodness are there.

See? I criticise myself

And I will remind you

That I do this

All of the time

But I don't really criticise.

Not truthfully.

I criticise you.

That is where the truth lies.

I make statements

And say them out loud

About myself and my faults

But they're not faults.

Not really.

They're caused by someone else.

They're not my faults.

They've been inflicted on me.

I've been hurt

And my flaws are the consequence.

*

I could choose to be different

But I am perfect.

Why would I?

I criticise myself

But you cannot.

I don't like what you say to me.

*

I am not flawed,

Not as you see me.

No.

The mirror tells me differently.

I am perfect.

Always.

*

I can act however I like.

People tell me I hurt them.

They hurt me.

Always.

This is worse.

I don't deserve it.

I am perfect.

*

I can speak how I find

And you'd better like it!

Don't challenge me-

Don't you dare.

My opinions are my own

And I can share them if I like

And you'd better listen

To my narrowness

And my anger

And the vitriol from my head

Created from rancour

And ignorance

And how I see things.

And this is right

Because I am right

Always.

*

I am perfect.

I will defend my perfection

At all costs!

Besiege, beseech -

It doesn't matter.

I will attack!

And I am right to do this!

Always.

I will assault you

With my vindictive grenades

And watch as they explode

Causing harm to all around.

I don't care for your hurt-

You don't hurt!

You don't feel it like me.

I'm only like this

Because you hurt me.

*

I will send out my emotional barrage

Of assumptions I've made.

You must accept them

Because I am right.

Don't contradict me.

Don't voice your conflict.

Don't try and reason.

I don't need to hear your view.

Love is in compliance,

Not in courage of conviction.

Don't question me -

That's not love.

How dare you speak up

And tell me what you think!

You are wrong

And I am right.

Your views are only designed to

Hurt me.

To think for yourself is damaging

To me.

Why would you want to hurt me?

Can't you just agree with me?

*

I tell you I get no pleasure

From this.

No.

I am hurting myself only.

My wounds are licked dry

And soothed by self pity.

But with my rough callous tongue

I reopen them with words

Sharp and severing,

Because you need to know

How I hurt.

You need to know about my tears.

You need to know that

You don't care about me.

But I care.

*

And it is hard,

So hard

When you are hurting me.

Why do you hurt me?

I am perfect.

Can't you see?

Why would you want to hurt me?

I care so much about how you hurt me.

Why don't you care?

*

I want to flay you

With my whipping words

And make you ooze

And cower

Because this is what you do to me

And you have forgotten:

I am perfect.

I will remind you.

Always.

You don't feel it like I do.

You can't

Because I am the victim.

Why can't you see it?

The mirror can.

Why can't you?

I am reflected back there as I see myself

As I am.

Perfect.

*

I love myself.

I am perfect.

And I want you to love me too.

Why don't you love me

No matter what I do?

I speak out.

I want you to love me.

I shout.

I want you to love me.

I aim meaningful pointed darts at you.

I want you to love me.

I tear you apart.

I want you to love me.

I make you squirm with the guilt I try to inflict.

I want you to love me.

Blackmail is emotionally derived as

There is my love behind it.

The biggest emotion of all!

Such strong love.

Always.

My love

Unconditional

As long as you agree.

Why don't you love me?

I don't understand.

I am not a bad person.

I am perfect.

I know that.

You need to see it

So that you can change

And we can be at peace again

Because this is not love.

Love is loving me

As I am

Because I am perfect.

***

Sometimes, some relationships are like spirals: they just keep going round and round and round and at the centre of them is a person whose viewpoint never changes and never will because they cannot see how they act and believe that everyone else must be the cause of their unhappiness. They spin and spin, faster and faster, their mind trying to find avenues out of which they can launch their anger or frustration or vengeance, all because they are unable to see themselves clearly and believe their current state to have been caused by others. These people do not recognise themselves - ever.

I have dealt with many people like this in my lifetime and they sadden me. They never seem to see that they are the orchestrators of their own misery, even when presented with examples of this in their own life. There is no doubt that others influence our lives but I am a great believer in feeling that we have the choice of how we choose to respond.

I wanted to explore this idea from my experience and so the repetition of ideas and lines are meant to represent that spiral - the returning to the one idea that cements the viewpoint, in this case, being perfect - and trying to explore the psychology and thinking behind it.

I started out thinking of writing a poem for the Smooth Vocal Challenge about a mirror and reflecting but as is often the case, it morphed into something else which was less poem and more monologue. Besides, Sylvia Plath has already done that and who am I to try to usurp her?

Thanks for stopping by. If you have read this, please leave a comment as I love to interact with my readers.