Written Off

I published a poem about a car accident I was in earlier this year. It is a reflective piece that looks at my thoughts and feelings after the event and the consequences of my actions that night. As a result of what happened, I was sent on a driving course, the purpose of which was to advise but also to assess and, I suppose, to rehabilitate.

The day was a success in many ways and I was able to put the incident behind me and move on, looking forward to more years of driving safely and carefully.

Or so I thought.

Hindsight, as they say, is a wonderful thing and in its clarifying light, it has convinced me that having that accident earlier this year was one of the best things that may ever have happened to me. I know that that sounds like a strange thing to write but it's true.

That course, which never would have happened if I had not had the accident, may just have saved my life and that of my kids.

Because only four days after doing the course, I was once again in an accident.

It happened so quickly. One minute, I was taking my eldest son to a sleepover at a friend's, without a care in the world; the next we had mounted the hedge.

The impact of the air bags going off will be something I will never forget. The crunch. The smell. The inevitable helplessness of knowing that there is nothing you can do. There was no car and then suddenly there was, from the left side of the road - a white VW pulling out with no way of seeing me.

I saw it but it was upon me before I could react and it just kept coming.

I was tight to the bend as it was narrow so to have been out further would have heightened the chance of hitting something coming towards me. I swerved but there was nowhere for me to go. There was no way of avoiding collision. The car was written off in an instant as was hers. We were all fine - bruised and shaken - but our cars were finished.

I relive the aftermath of it quite often as it was a horrible experience. I am a reflective thinker anyway so it is natural for me to look back and analyse. Could I have done anything differently? Was I slow to react? Am I a bad driver? The answer to all of these things, I think, is no or at least, not on this occasion.

But there is always that self-questioning reasoning which proposes an alternative view.

And so, I go through it.

Air bags produce a powder, which could be mistaken for smoke. They also produce a smell, a charred chemical smell, which again, could be mistaken for smoke. My son is shouting, "We need to get out of the car, Mum. It's on fire!" I tell the kids to "Get out!" and go to open my door but it won't open, not enough for me to get out through the gap anyway. There's a wall in the way. My son is shouting at me to "Get out of the car, Mum!" I scramble to climb over the middle console and into the passenger seat, saying like a mantra to myself, "I've got to get out". The air is cloudy but I can see that the car is on an angle, like it's heading up a skewed stunt ramp in the hedge. The wall is part of this, sitting on the bank of plants that make up the road border. It is topped with barbed wire and posts.

My younger son won't look at me or approach me. He is scared and he blames me for what happened. He thinks I am a bad driver and at this moment, his fear makes him shun me. This hurts and scares me more than the burns from the air bag.

The road is littered with car components and shattered plastic. A bumper is detached and the front of the other person's car is completely exposed, its front ripped off.

It is car carnage.

As mentioned, I am a reflective thinker and I can't help thinking about that driving course in light of the incident. It prods my thoughts every so often to remind me of what happened. And this is no bad thing because it keeps me aware and alert. But also, I'm grateful for it because I'm not sure that we would all still be here if I hadn't attended it.

What if I hadn't done that course? I may have been driving that little bit faster or I may have been less present, less cognisant of my surroundings. I may not be here writing about it today. And what about her? Where might she be? And my kids? It doesn't bear thinking about.

I'm not a great believer in predestined fate. I am, however, a great believer in things working out for the best. When I look back on my life and the bad stuff, I can see that those incidents have provided me with a different path and that, if that had not been taken, it would not have led me to my present position. And I very much like where I am now and the individual I have become.

So, even though I don't believe in Fate, despite that, part of me can't help but think that things happen for a reason.

If I hadn't been rushing that night and hit the motorcyclist, would I have continued to drive in the same way? And if I had continued to drive in the same way, would we all have survived this most recent collision?

Because I had learnt from what happened in February. I was driving slowly and with more awareness.

And I wonder if someone is watching over me somewhere because without that course, who knows what might have happened?

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I'd love to know your thoughts about Fate and predestination so please share your views in the comments below. Let's have a philosophical debate! Thanks for stopping by.