A Mental Battle
"Everything is gonna be okay. Everything is gonna be alright..."
"Are you sure?"
"You can't make me."
"You're just in my head."
"But you can't just ignore me."
"I wish I could."
"Ah, but you can't. Wishing does nothing."
"You do nothing too."
"My negativity, as you call it, has helped us more than you'll ever know. I keep it real. I keep us safe. I keep us alive."
"Barely? Excuse me? I have saved us countless times. I have saved us from heartbreak, from disappointment-"
"By cutting everyone out. You have isolated me."
"You're not real."
"Yet here I am, talking to you. You need me."
"I need my old self..."
"It hates you."
"The old me would never turn me away. The old me was actually a good person. A caring person..."
"Exactly, too caring. The old you is just a little foolish child. That's what always got you hurt. You were oblivious. You were ignorant. You cared too much."
"You can yell that all you want, but you know you wouldn't last without me. I am everything you need."
"You are just a negative voice in my head. Stop making yourself more than you are."
"Fine, then you stop denying that I haven't helped you from getting hurt."
"You hurt me."
"You're like a parasite. You have wiggled your way into my head and made me feel like I need to be alone to be happy."
"You do. Your happiness is not their responsibility. It's yours."
"Maybe so, but without them, I don't have support. I don't have love... I just keep falling into this dark abyss..."
"Ha! You let yourself fall. You have two perfectly good legs, you have me to keep us safe-"
"You have only 'protected' us by isolation. That's not living. That's just drifting through life. That's just making me lonely, and that hurts too..."
"You have to admit that the fear of being betrayed again is no longer present."
"It is! The memory of it, the feeling remains. Sure there's no looming threat of it, but isolating me isn't going to keep that from happening. It's bound to happen again."
"You are a fool. You're failing at this again, just like you've failed with everything else. You've let everyone down, so the best way now to protect them from embarrassment is to just keep it to yourself. Keep your mouth shut, I know you struggle to be quiet - you've annoyed everyone countless times. They don't care, they never have. They don't listen, not like I do. You need to trust me, I won't fail you. You failed yourself, that's why I'm here. You created me to be your hero because no one else would. No one else could help. No one else cared to help. No one else knew how to help. No one else could show you the way, like me."
"You have never shown the way, all you do is manipulate me. You control me through my fear and pain, trying to make me believe it's more than just my subconscious trying to protect me from my own feelings?"
"You are literally arguing with yourself right now, you know that right?"
"Stop! You do this every time! You can't just keep doing that!"
"I don't know what you're talking about, but you need to be more careful with your words. Like a bullet from a gun or a rock from a hand, once shot or thrown you can't take it back. That's it. You've hurt enough people with that little mistake, I thought we've been over this? Now you're doing it to yourself? Again? Damn, you need my help more than I've realized."
"I can't take this anymore."
"Of course not, you're a big baby. Always crying about how nothing is working, how you can't even accomplish shit."
"You don't even have the gull to look at your miserable self."
"Look at how pathetic you look. I bet your 'old-self' is laughing its ass off right now. Your old self is thinking: "Gee, not much to look forward to, thanks a lot, may as well not even try. Look!"
"You're like a ticking time bomb and everyone has to know it. Your face is a dead giveaway. You should just go back to bed, no one is going to want to see that. Talk about self-destructive. Look at yourself! Now!"
"All I see is a disaster staring back at me."
"You look disgusted."
"You look like you've been hit by a bus."
"I feel like it."
"Let's find out."
"Well, you're in good hands. Better hands than those. All that those hands have done is ruin your life."
"Nothing about me is the same anymore. I don't recognize myself."
"Of course not, you're not the same. You made changes because that version of you wasn't working. That version of you only got you hurt. You never will be the same again. Just accept that now and save yourself some pain."
"Once again, giving me great advice."
"Your sarcasm means nothing to me. You're very welcome. Great advice is all I have for you. Always."
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Mel E. Furnish
I'm a self-published author, raised on a family farm in Indiana.
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