How to Overcome Feeling Hopeless?

In 2013, I was diagnosed with bipolar, and PTSD. Throughout, my life nothing came easy to me. As it never does for others. My only escape was writing it became my true passion, and no my full-time workaholic career.

With that said, only a few times have I ever felt hopeless. And let me tell you it's something I never want to remember. But it's forever in my mind.

The stuff I know now I wish I knew then. Because I have a few tips that I've learned about overcoming hopelessness.

But the reset hopeless feeling I felt I will never forget I will go into details of this tale.

The last falling out with the old man and I he was terribly ill. I had no idea that he was in his last days of live at this point. He was so far gone he had not been far gone to admit to me.

Emily, I'm begging you please don't give your mom any money upon my death.

He had told me how much of a disappointment I was. His last moments weren't really heartwarming. Then again that many was never warm hearted.

Emily you never welcomed Kris into our house. You never liked her.

At this point, I wasn't sleep well, I hadn't slept well all week. Sleeping on the couch didn't help matters either and mother sleeping across from me being a kicker didn't help matters.

By this time, I had the floor to speak to him.

Poppow, I have been nothing but welcoming to Kris. All I've ever done was accept her. It's not my fault you never moved on from Mommow, it's my not fault you wanted me to shave your face because you had no strength to do that. Poppow I've been taking care of myself for nine years, and helped everyone. Lynn and I can't take care of you we aren't sleeping at all. But nothing is good enough for you. Nothing ever was.

He tried to cute me off, but I got tired of it. I was on a war path.

I wanted to go to college, I wanted to take a few classes at the vocational school most relatives would be proud and be very encouraging not you. You told me I wasn't good enough. You had been the only one in the house who could be happy. No one else could be. I can't take it anymore. You are horrible, not me. My only regret was I should have left this place a long time ago.

He looked so defeated by this point the truth coming out.

Emily, I just cant' do this anymore. I can't defend you, I can't do anything for you. I took you in when you had nothing. What are you going to do when I take you out of my will?

I actually felt bad for him. For his hate, for his anger. He took my car back threatened to put an APB out on it. So, I had no choice but to do this.

I will figure out, on my own. I'm smart.

At this point he dismissed me, and kicked me out of my former house. For the first time, I felt free.

Now, the pain to distance myself from mother, aunt and sibling. I needed to do this for me. It was the only way to leave. The only companion I ever loved was still there.

I know I don't deserve this in your eyes, but can you do one thing for me keep Ricky save look after him until I can come back for him.

Only thing that I truly cared about nodded with a warm smile, saying one word. Always.

I don't know if I will ever know what was going through his mind. Because he was so far gone. But seeing his smile was hope that he was still in there somewhere.

Even though my abuser, was dying I still had a heart and hope for him. What does that say about me?

Someone who did the following to me:

1. Gaslighting

2. Body shaming

3. compromising my mental stating

4. lying about everything

5. "Emily have I ever abused you? Have I ever put my hands on you?"

6. Pushing me against the wall (physical abuse)

Thing is no one would believe me about how he was to me, only my husband ever did. Mother did, but I knew she didn't care.

Lemme rephase that, she didn't care the way I wanted her to.

What I needed was a hero? But in this true fact story I had to be my own heroine. I had to tell, that's it, I've had enough.

I don't know why but something always told me to stay. Truth be known I wanted to watch the show someone who treats anyone doesn't get away with this forever.

Of course, most people like this think they will live forever.

A few weeks later, the old man died in the ambulance of a heart attack natural causes too.

While he was dying around the same time the truth coming out about mothers true attentions came out.

When the old man died she wanted to stay and help save Her house. I made a deal with her. To give her 2,500.00 to save HER house. But after the promise I made to the old man I couldn't do it.

When she learned that I couldn't help her, she was so angry.

If you don't like how things are you can just leave.

So I picked up my stuff, to leave. I was so heartbroken, I had put my trust in her again only to be let down.

A few weeks later, I am shocked to learn that I was the old man's financial beneficiary of two accounts. I did the whole process staying with friends while the processing went through.

I had a fear of ending up on the streets. I don't know if that's a phobia but it maybe.

My first fear was losing everything if I stayed with mother. So, first chance I had I left.

Getting my shit together, I stayed in a hotel for a few weeks. While my fiancé was growing impatient with waiting for me to come and see him.

With having that much money I wasn't sure of what to do. I did a few regrettable things I wish I could take back.

I would invest in Tesla if I could take it back. I would have invested 500.00 because that's the limit I would have done. I truly believe that gas is going to be so expensive especially at that time it was too. However, investing some money into Tesla for that much money would have increased.

I would have filed for my husband a green card as soon as we married, and filed for my citizenship in Saint Lucia even though I'm an America.

Either way, things happened this way to encourage me to work hard for what I wanted.

Alas, true happiness can happen if you step back, go from a toxic environment to a positive loving one.

This is how I had overcome my hopeless:

1: I changed my outlook: Sometimes when you change locations where you live it can change everything.

2: I don't believe in fairy tale happy endings: I believe when everything happened to me the way it did happened because of this phrase. "Sometimes bad things happen to good people."

3: Sometimes there are no reasons: We as survivors will rack our brains figuring out why did this have to happen. I can ask myself everyday, why me? why did I have to lose my dog? why did they have place all of my possessions in the garbage? Why this, why that? The only reasonable solution is this, people are just wicked and don't care.

4: Happiness can happen if you allow it to: All of my life I wanted to have peace of mind, body, and spirit. I have the opportunity to do this and it took me forever to learn. Peace of mind, body, and spirit is something you work towards yourself. No one can help you, there is no how-to book on happiness, or peace of mind, and self. It's something you do yourself.

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