Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell

Please forgive me for this one.

It is only a few days before our semester begins at the college where I teach. I have been in touch with our new coordinator, looked over my notes from having had the same group last year, and deliberately avoided going into the building. Our first meeting gave us the option to be online, and I was hoping I could continue with this particular conceit for the rest of the course. And on top of this, I have been told that I might possibly - just maybe - have two whole courses at the college to teach!

Wow.

I have been in this situation before, but this feels different. Desperation has its own smell, and the odor is pretty strong this time. I have a little money in the bank (not quite enough for rent or for more than wishful thinking), some food on the shelves (I thank the angels that moved out and left behind several bags of canned food), and hope in my head. It has been said that the prospect of being hanged in the morning does wonders for focusing the mind (a paraphrase of the wise words of Dr. S. Johnson). I may not be facing the gallows...yet, and I know that there are people in my life who would be more than happy to spot me a few bills to cover my rent, but that is not what bothers me the most.

I am taking a very hard look at my life, and the view is not too pleasant.

I woke up this morning, went for a run, answered some emails, read a few things and even applied for jobs, and had the sickening feeling that this particular treadmill is never going to stop and let me off. I don't mind working as a contract worker (there are freedoms that I did not expect and do enjoy), and I do not want to pack my tent up, head back to the suburbs and end up having the lives that I see in my own family. But this is clearly not enough.

I was speaking online to a fellow Vocalist, commiserating over the sour attitude of some people who seem to demand that they win Challenges when the list of winners is posted. I understood the frustration, but I lean closer to the attitude that the life of a writer is usually one of failure. I have already written about the problems of the creative life (all those biographies of your favourite scribblers are worth your while). I know that this particular habit has not paid out too lucratively (I once calculated that I had made less that $5000 as a writer over the stretch of my entire life). I know that I am throwing stones at a target that I have not yet reached.

So, why do it?

No matter how low I feel, tired I get, sad in the heart, lonely in my habits, I can still say to myself that I can do this. I am a good writer. I may not be a great writer, but I am pretty good at sitting down, hitting this keyboard or scribbling in a notebook, and bringing my thoughts together. I have always had that skill, ever since I was a child and a teacher took the time to read my work to a fellow educator in front of me because he thought I had done something special.

And that brings me to the title of this piece:

I went through a very long period of worship of Oklahoma's best musical product when I encountered this song. The title struck me, but so did the attitude of the group. A biography of the Flaming Lips was released around the same time as this track, and I learned about all the hardships and obstacles the band had to go through before they made it. Maybe unconsciously I have been thinking about them these last few weeks as I face poverty, hunger (those cans are not really gourmet meals), struggles with work and life, and my own lack of confidence in other parts of my life.

I cannot give up on what I'm doing.

And I need to share these lyrics with you (maybe you will get my point):

I was waiting on the moment
But the moment never came
All the billion other moments
Were just slipping all away

we're just slipping all away
(Just ego-tripping)

''Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell'' by the Flaming Lips

And we are all facing our own personal hells.

Stay strong, folks.

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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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