Do I Have to Lose My Self to Love You?

As codependents we lose ourselves in relationships, unaware that losing our Self is the greatest despair. When the relationship inevitably ends, it's devastating, because we are lost. We lack autonomy because that task wasn't completed by adulthood. The struggle to achieve it is typical of codependent relationships. Often there are power struggles, characterized by repeated, unresolved arguments, either about a single recurring issue or numerous trivial things. Many of them boil down to the question of who has control, whose needs will be met, or how intimate they will be. Intimacy problems are a common symptom of codependency. Avoidance of intimacy, and the vulnerability that occurs when we open up, is a way to maintain control and autonomy. We fear that closeness makes us more dependent on our partner and exposed to being judged and hurt. These outcomes aren't necessarily true, but hearken back to a traumatic or dysfunctional childhood when being vulnerable and dependent was unsafe. Some people feel unsafe both in and out of a relationship. The more we're threatened by closeness and autonomy, the greater is the conflict in the relationship.

How We Lose Ourselves

We progressively lose ourselves in tiny, invisible ways. It may begin during a romantic relationship when it is natural to want to satisfy our significant other and spend a lot of time together. However, despite intense physical attraction, emotionally mature adults don't stop what they're doing, abandon their lives (they have lives), or ignore the bad behaviour of their spouse.

Stages of Codependency

Many codependents do fine on their own, but once in a relationship, the stages of codependency take hold. When there is "chemistry," they overlook negative indicators that might be a warning not to get involved. It's actually true that feel-good chemicals in our brain start to alleviate our emptiness, so that we want more of that drug. We don't want to lose those good feelings. Hence, we become increasing preoccupied with and dependent upon our loved one. The desire to please can lead to obsession, denial about our partner's behavior, and doubt about our own perceptions. Boundaries become blurred so that we don't say "no" or set limits on what we're willing to do or what we'll accept from our partner. Not only that, confusion arises between what our partner feels and our own feelings. We feel responsible for them, too. If he's sad, then I'm sad, too-as the Barry Manilow song goes. If she's angry, it must be my fault.

What we believe, what are our values, and what are our beliefs are unclear to us (or we never really understood). We might not have realised this until we entered a committed relationship. In the middle stage of codependency, we sacrifice our friends, hobbies, and occasionally even our relationships with our relatives in order to be with our spouse. At the beginning of a relationship, we typically do this voluntarily, but later on, we might do it to satisfy our spouse. Despite the fact that our decisions seem necessary or desirable, we aren't consciously aware of the cost: Our Self!

Disease of a "Lost Self."

Because of this, codependency is a disease of a "lost Self." We consistently put our relationships above ourselves since our identity is externally referenced, as opposed to just rarely as would be expected. We fear losing our connection with others or their acceptance in significant partnerships. Together, we continually make minor and substantial sacrifices, such as cutting off a relationship with a relative, forgoing a career, or tolerating or engaging in unethical behaviour that would have previously seemed unthinkable.

Similar to the incremental restrictions placed on Jews in Nazi Germany, a pattern of conformity emerges and new standards are developed. We accumulate silent shame, rage, and hatred over time. We are to blame. If we had any self-esteem or respect before the relationship, it is slowly eroded. We experience increased anxiety, depression, and/or compulsive behaviours. Our sorrow and despair deepen as we gradually lose our freedom of choice, leading to a sense of helplessness and imprisonment. We could have bodily symptoms or an addiction. We might eventually devolve into a husk of who we once were.

Abusive Relationships

Symptoms of codependency are exacerbated when we're in an authoritarian relationship, where decisions revolve around the needs and authority of one person. This is typical of an abusive relationship, where our partner makes explicit demands. When our partner is insistent, it feels as if we have to choose between ourselves and our relationship- that we must give up our Self to keep it. We become invisible, no longer a separate person with independent needs and wants, assuming we knew what they were. To please our partner and not make waves, we give them up and collude in sacrificing our Self.

Our relationship might be with an addict or someone mentally ill or with a personality disorder, such as narcissistic, borderline, anti-social personality disorder. These partners are manipulative and can be abusive or threaten abuse or abandonment when they don't get their way or sense that we're becoming more autonomous. Any act toward autonomy, such as setting a boundary, threatens their control. They will attempt to maintain power and authority with guilt, character assassination, gaslighting, and all forms of criticism and emotional abuse. If you had a controlling parent, this pattern may have been established in childhood and carries over into your adult relationships. You end up walking on egg-shells and living in fear that can traumatize your nervous system, with symptoms continuing after you leave. It's essential to get outside support and seek counseling.

Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships depend on one another. Give and take is present, respect is shown for one another's needs and emotions, and genuine dialogue can be used to resolve disputes. Collaboration is used to make decisions and solve problems. The key is assertiveness. There is no winner and loser in a negotiation. Without suggesting, coercion, or presuming that our partner would read our minds, boundaries are stated clearly. Closeness does not compromise security or autonomy. In fact, being vulnerable makes us stronger rather than weaker. In reality, when our autonomy and limits are upheld and respected, we can be more intimate and vulnerable.

Both partners feel secure. They want to maintain their relationship and allow for each other's separateness and independence, and aren't threatened by their partner's autonomy. Thus the relationship supports our independence and gives us more courage to explore our talents and growth.

Recovery

In recovery, we recover our lost self. Unaware of their codependency, people want to change their partner, not realizing that change begins within. Often our partner changes in response to our new behavior, but either way, we will feel better and stronger for it. Reading about codependency is a good beginning, but greater change occurs through therapy and attending Twelve-Step meetings, such as Al-Anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon, Gam-Anon, or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

As the emphasis in rehabilitation changes from the other person to yourself, where change is possible, you will find hope. Improve Your Self-Esteem to Set Boundaries and Express Feelings, Wants, and Needs. You'll establish healthy self-care behaviours. Healing from PTSD, childhood trauma, and toxic internal shame are frequently included in psychotherapy.

Even when you terminate a codependent relationship, codependency still persists. Recovery necessitates continual upkeep. Changes in thinking and behaviour eventually become second nature, and the techniques and abilities acquired turn into brand-new, wholesome routines. The codependency symptom of perfectionism.

Eventually, your happiness and self-esteem doesn't depend on others. You gain the capacity for both autonomy and intimacy. You experience your own power and self-love. You feel expansive and creative, with the ability to generate and pursue your own goals.

There is no such thing as perfect recovery. Recurring symptoms merely present ongoing learning opportunities!