Identify and Deal With Toxic Parents

Toxic relationships include relationships with toxic parents. Typically, they do not treat their children with respect as individuals. They won't compromise, take responsibility for their behavior, or apologize. Often these parents have a mental disorder or have a serious addiction. We all live with the consequences of poor parenting. However, if our childhoods were traumatic, we carry wounds from abusive or dysfunctional parenting. When they haven't healed, toxic parents can re-injure us in ways that make growth and recovery difficult. When we grow up with dysfunctional parenting, we may not recognize it as such. It feels familiar and normal. We may be in denial and not realize that we've been abused emotionally, particularly if our material needs were met.

Toxic Behavior

Here are some questions to ask yourself about your parents' behavior. If this conduct is chronic and persistent, it can be toxic to your self-esteem.

Do they over-react, create a scene?

Do they use emotional blackmail?

Do they make frequent or unreasonable demands?

Do they try to control you? "My way or the highway."

Do they criticize or compare you?

Do they listen to you with interest?

Do they manipulate, use guilt or play the victim?

Do they blame or attack you?

Do they take responsibility and apologize?

Do they respect your physical and emotional boundaries?

Do they disregard your feelings and needs?

Do they envy or compete with you?

Detach from Toxic Parents

Physical proximity has nothing to do with the emotional concept of detaching. It entails refraining from responding, taking things personally, and assuming responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, and needs of other people. Our parents have a lot of control over us. They put them there, so that explains why. When it comes to our friends and partners, with whom we have more of an equal relationship, it is more difficult to remain unresponsive. To learn more, see "Getting Triggered and What You Can Do." You might still react and find it difficult to emotionally distance yourself, even after moving as far away as you can.

Be Assertive and Set Boundaries

It can be difficult to maintain good behaviour with our parents at times. In our household, we learned about setting limits. Our family, especially our parents, may put us to the test if we don't comply. Setting new limits with your parents could be challenging. Perhaps your mother calls you every day, or you have a sibling who needs money or is misusing drugs. They may attack you or accuse your partner or therapist of setting your new boundaries out of confusion.

Relationships with toxic parents can be hard to walk away from. You may need distance from your parents to create the boundaries that you're unable to make verbally. Some people cut off from family for that reason or due to unresolved anger and resentment from childhood. Cut-offs may be necessary in very abusive environments. However, although they reduce emotional tension, the underlying problems remain and can affect all of your relationships. Many family therapists suggest that the ideal way to become independent from your family is to work on yourself in therapy, then visit your parents and practice what you've learned. It's far better for your growth to learn how to respond to abuse. I've witnessed clients who felt uncomfortable returning home do this. They gradually transitioned from reluctantly staying in their parents' residence during visits, to becoming comfortable declining invitations home, to staying in a hotel or with friends without guilt. Some could eventually stay with their parents and enjoy it.

Keep an eye out for unwritten rules, communication patterns, and boundary patterns when you visit. Try acting differently from how you did while you were growing up. Pay attention to the routines and safeguards you employ to control your worry. "What am I afraid of?" you should ask yourself. Despite the fact that you might feel like one around your parents, keep in mind that you are an adult. You're an effective adult now. Unlike when you were a youngster, you can leave.

Where active drug addiction and abuse are present, consider what boundaries you require in order to feel comfortable. Know your bottom-line. Is it a one-day or one-hour visit or only a short phone call? Some adult children of addicted parents refuse to talk on the phone or be around them when their parents are drinking our using drugs. You may have siblings who pressure you to rescue a parent, or you may be tempted to do so. With difficult family situations, it's helpful to talk with a therapist or other people in recovery from codependency.

Some Truths about Having Toxic Parents

Relationship repair starts with you, with your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes all it takes is working on oneself. Your parents won't necessarily change as a result of this, but you will. Sometimes asking for forgiveness or having a talk is essential. When it comes to your family, consider the following:

Your parents don't have to heal for you to get well.

Cut-offs don't heal you. You still need to recover your power and self-esteem.

You are not your parents.

You're not the abusive things they say about you either. See "Codependency is Based on Fake Facts."

You don't have to like your parents, but you might still be attached and love them.

Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Set boundaries and practice nonattachment.

You can't change or rescue family members.

Indifference, not hatred or anger, is the opposite of love.

Hating someone interferes with loving yourself.

Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you.