Are You Taking Your Medicine? Yes I am.

All of my life, I felt like an outsider. like no one cared about me. Writig about it makes it real.

My half sister told me something I will never forget a whole lot then completely blocked me.

"You have been this way my whole life Emily I'm Tired of seeing mom trying to a relationship with you and be let down every time."

I don't need a relationship with my mother I need a mother. That's all I wanted all my life was a mother not a friend. Someone who could encourage me throughout my life. Someone who could understand me. Just be there. Someone who could fight for me.

I don't need a friend, I needed a mother. Something I never had.

Now I am a author I will write my feelings. I don't care who reads it. This is not a Gilmore Girls special. I just needed someone to fight me for me. You let him brainwash me, you blamed me for Morgan triggering the bipolar tragger. You blame me for everything. I don't need a friend I needed a parent.

And you couldn't even do that. You didn't save me I saved me. I went through twenty plus years of mental torture, I went through mind games, I went through more. Stuff you couldn't possibly imagaine and you could me through that.

Now you say you wanted a friendship with me, I didn't need that. I needed a parent to fight for me. No something part time, someone who listens and understands. But you would rather take the easy way out.

If this is defamation of character, so by it these are my feelings I am not defaming your personality or anything. I am sharing my feelings. Your lies have caught up to you, you could say I love you until you are blue in the face and i wouldn't believe you.

If someone says I love you, I wouldn't believe them unless they prove it.

You couldn't do anything right, why not have me you tossed me to Mommow and Poppow should have let social services take me. They would have known I was brainwashed and would have helped me.

If you said I could come back I wouldn't, I couldn't look at you in the eye. Because all I would see is not a mother but a stranger.

It's not supposed to be this way, I couldn't do to my children what you did to me.

You ice me out, you lie to me about terrible things.

The truth is much sweeter, why the lies are bitter inside.

How do you live with yourself?

Knowing what you did to your child?

I don't care if my child is middle aged if she was in a bad situation I would lie for her to make things easy for her. I would help her. I couldn't do this.

I learned a lesson from all this exposing others behind the facade is my thing.

All of you can say I love you, can say I care about you, but you will never understand what I have been through.

I am lucky to still have my sanity.

But you know what I am a survivor.

Not once have I regretted anything in my life but I regret stepping foot in that house. I would rather live under a bridge.

Paint me a villain I don't care.

I'm done caring inside.

I don't need a mother because she gave me up.

"Oh Emily I gave your Mommow temporary custody of you so I can come back to you."

Yes this is true.

But when the unthinkable happens not once did you detest it.

You didn't fight for me.

You not once didn't want me.

The damage you did, that he did is done.

Not once in all my life did know happiness until I married the love of my life. Not once did I know what love is until he showed it to me.

Where I come from love was never shown. Mommow was the only one who showed it.

She showed me affection, she showed me love, she was my best friend. You may look like her but you will never be here. The emotion inside me screams.

Every time I say how I feel you ask "are you taking your medicine?" As if I can't feel. I stopped bearing my soul to you. Because what you took from me when I share my feelings you question my mental state.

You claim to be an empath, but you aren't. Because my feelings if you channelled them you couldn't handle it. The feelings of sadness, depression, betrayal, retribution without the revenge tendencies by me.

You kick a dog long enough it will bite back. I would rather not bite back but run away just to avoid everyone.

Do you want to know the truth of what's in my heart, there is no use in arguing anymore. There is no use in opening up to you. There is no use in doing anything like this with you.

Truth be known, I am aware of everything take it all.

I don't want that house I never did. Wall talk for me, and they scream at me from the terrible memories he did to me.

You wanted me to live in a basement a PTSD woman where across the way I was nearly, I know this is a sensitive subject but raped. Memory after memory I relived it.

So many triggers inside of that house, and why would I want a car that you damaged???

I don't know what she is on about the nonsense when you need help there is no such thing has good humans anymore.

Only a few, very few...

Writing about this to the vocal community feels good.

At this point, I have no friends, no family in Ohio. I would rather just start somewhere else with my husband in the states. We have a long way to get, but as far as my feelings go, I know I can't rely on a "mother". I don't need a friendship or a relationship I need a mother.

And you will never understand, so I am done. I will never speak to you again. Take everything away from me, don't send my medicine, don't send food, don't do anything. I don't need anything anymore.

And This is How I feel...