To the Women Whom I Give Free Fitness and Health Advice

Author's preface. This piece is a satirical work of fiction based entirely upon an original story entitled "To the Men Giving Me Fitness and Health Advice" by Taru Annina Liikanen and published here on Vocal.media. It can be found here. As I read that story I began to wonder in my head what the men whom Miss Liikanen was writing about are actually thinking as they annoy, pester, bother, and otherwise make uncomfortable various women at gyms across the country and around the world. This post attempts to get inside the mind of that man and the result is something both disturbing and hilarious in equal measure.

Dear women to whom I give free fitness and health advice,

First, let me just start by saying you are welcome to all the women to whom I give unsolicited help on health and fitness.

You know who you are. You’re always present, at every gym. Sometimes, at workplaces. You may be a secretary, or an artist, or dancer, or actress, or just a random gym goer. You are definitely hot, for if you were not, I would never approach you to offer my free fitness and health advice

You seem to be craving advice, and I have quite a knack for spotting women like you, hot young women, who probably, neigh definitely, couldn’t live without my valuable insights.

This is my letter to you.

On Cardio

You are most welcome for my taking an interest in your cardio workout. You do not seem to be all that good at at taking care of it yourself.

This probably will come as no surprise, but my opinion on the best form of cardio is of the utmost importance and always spot on. You need to be aware of what speed or heart rate will help you burn more fat, for if you are not, you might wind up like one of those gross fatties I would never approach to give my wonderful free advice. Burning fat should always be your main goal. Always remember, despite what you hear in the mass media, cardio is not about health, it is about looks. Specifically, how skinny you look.

Clearly you need my advice on how long your intervals or rest periods should be, because you need to be calculating them by time. You should pick out the form of cardio according to what will help you burn the most fat, and look the skinniest, i.e. be the hottest that you can be each day. Run to the rhythm of the music because you want to be as skinny and hot as possible. Why else would you work out?

I am not officially your trainer but I could be, if you wanted one. Do you? I am guessing you love being told what to do, especially in bed, which is where I very much hope we will end up in short order.

For now, all I know is that your current fitness goals and what you like doing are probably wrong. No doubt you have consulted with your doctor or boyfriend or some other idiot about how you should be working out. Even if you have recently had COVID or any other serious injury it should not deter you from working out as hard as you can. If you don't how will you ever stay skinny and hot. Being sore is no excuse for taking it easy and you really need to speed up on the treadmill or stairmaster if you want to maintain your skinny hotness.

I’m sure you are capable of pushing the buttons yourself when you feel like, and you definitely push all my buttons. As long as you stay skinny and hot of course.

On Muscle

Lifting weights will make you look like a man. Do not do it, most especially if they are heavier weights than I lift.

Hopefully those comments will keep you sticking to cardio, which is the only thing you need to stay skinny and hot. It does not matter if you find it hellishly boring, or if you think it is pushing you farther away from your fitness goals. You should only have one goal, staying skinny and hot, so that guys like me will continue to approach you with our wonderful, free of charge, health and fitness advice. And stop worrying about your speed or form, or some bullshit you may have heard about how if you do not lift weights your "legs will not be strong enough." Run enough, even at a snails speed and with awful form and posture, and I promise you can stay skinny and hot without all that gross muscle mass getting in the way. Whenever I see women lifting weights like that I still get mad at people who say that stupid shit. After all it is my right to tell you what your body should or shouldn’t look like.

You are welcome for my continuing to remind you that I do not find muscular women attractive. In point of fact, no man does, at least no sane man. No doubt, my opinion is making you hot for me, and you want to sleep with me even more now than before. You like men who treat a woman like a woman, and want them meek and weak, but also skinny and hot.

It is quite ridiculous for a woman to have physical strength. You are welcome for me reminding you of that fact. Luckily it appears you have not been lifting weights for a very long time since you have yet to develop a physique like Arnold. Luckily it is not quite that easy to bulk up. That said, it is easier than you think, so no sense taking any chances. Avoid weights at all cost.

On Form

You are welcome that I have taken it upon myself to correct your form. I am an authority on correct posture, and although my personal training client is only a couple of feet away, deadlifting with a curved spine, I remain entirely focused on you. This is because you are hot and they are not.

You may think you are only doing something a little differently because there are several different ways to perform an exercise, depending on the muscles you want to target, however, that is actually incorrect. There is only one correct way to do each exercise. It is the way which will give you the hottest body with the least amount of pain.

Heavy barbell hip thrusts won’t give you sciatica pain, but it will build unsightly muscle mass (see above) so avoid them at all costs. The last thing you want to do is develop adequate glute strength. Good posture comes from repetition and effort, not muscle.

Yes, you may be able to lift your own plates to the barbell, even the the 45lb. ones, but that is a big mistake. Once again, lifting weights of any type needs to be avoided at all costs. Besides, you are a girl so there is no way you can handle your own weights.

If you do need help, I will let you know. You are an adult but you are a girl which makes you less capable of asking for help.

You will most definitely need my help for stretching, and of course pointing out your admirable flexibility which no doubt goes a long way towards making you a real wild cat in the sack. You are doing the splits so I know you are flexible, and damn that is so hot.

On Nutrition

You will need to start drinking a ton of protein shakes. Mostly this is because “they were invented in the United States” much like American icons, Coca-Cola, crack cocaine and nuclear weapons. Each of those things I consider necessary building blocks for a healthy life.

You appear to have managed to build a significant amount of muscle in the past seven years (yuck), all on a vegan diet (gross). Fortunately you still smell nice, like a hot chick should.

I will most definitely check you out by the way.

Eating bread will kill you, make you fat and move you even further away from your goals. These goals should include staying skinny, staying hot, and smelling nice. Eating soy could mess up your hormones and fruit has way, way too much sugar.

You will also for sure need a diet, especially one with a massive calorie deficit. Your best bet to stay skinny and hot is to starve yourself. Eat only broccoli, chicken breasts and brown rice, and don't stress over nutrients, they are overrated. Focus only on calories because they are what ultimately determine how skinny and thus how hot you will be.

A varied diet is a fat girl diet and only fat girls work out to feel healthy and good. Hot girls work out to stay skinny and hot. You should have no other goals in your life but that. My main goal is to shag as many skinny hot chicks from the gym as I can. In pursuit of that goal I intend to make your workouts my business.

Sincerely,

Some Douche