A new study released today by researchers from Al Akhawayn University in Morocco suggests that coconut oil causes cancer in almost any human that uses it for even a brief period. Moroccan Ministry of Science spokesman Mohammed Alwan said of the findings “We always knew coconut oil was inferior to Moroccan argan oil in terms of its ability to control flyaway and frizz in human hair without leaving a greasy residue. And of course we knew it could not match the smoothing softness of argan oil when used as a skin conditioning treatment. However, few suspected until now that coconut oil actually causes cancer. These findings are shocking and saddening. To all the women and men who have explored coconut oil as an alternative to argan oil in hair and skin care products we can only say, I told you so.” Cancer researchers outside of Morocco were less enthusiastic about the findings suggesting bias on the part of Moroccan researchers. Harvard cancer doctor Bill Pullman said “The data in this so called study make zero sense and the sample size of 2 Moroccan goat herders is much to small to draw any statistically significant conclusions. The materials and methods section describes the procedure for producing argan oil in excruciating detail including the role of the Moroccan tree goat in the process, while the coconut oil used for the study was supposedly purchased at a local Wal-Mart. It s obvious that the study was rigged from the outset and that Moroccan financial interests in the argan oil market really drove the predetermined outcome.” Alwan shot back “Everyone knows Harvard medical is in the pockets of big coconut and has been from day one. Next thing you know the University of Hawaii will be weighing in for coconut oil. Bunch of ivory tower eggheads.” University of Hawaii spokesmen could not be reached for comment as they were currently at the beach sipping coconut milk directly from freshly fallen coconuts through giant twizzly straws.
And now, a special added <600 word count minimum bonus poem..
An Ode to String Cheese
Do you like string cheese?
I love it. Especially the mozzarella kind that is really firm
So you can pull off super fine strings
And the stick superstructure stays intact
Only a couple brands can pull it off
And of course my parents being ultra cheep always buy the store brand
Which is soggy
So when you try to grab to pull a string off you end up squishing the stick
Then its ruined
And I cry usually at that point
Then I get down on one knee raise my fist to the sky and yell out “what kind of god would allow such an abomination?”
And then I fall onto the floor in a fetal position and rock back and forth slowly until I’m all cried out or I fall asleep
Whichever comes first
I love string cheese but you gotta be prepared to drop the extra dime for the brand names or they can ruin my day
I love cheese sticks too but that’s a whole different animal
And Now another special bonus <600 word count minimum story pad story.
Local Man Reaches Max Mattress Topper
A Recently Added Forth Mattress Topper Has Brought Local Man’s Mattress Height to the Theoretical Maximum and Within Inches of the Mesosphere
A second three inch memory foam mattress topper applied on top of his existing three inch cooling memory foam, which sits atop an existing two inch standard foam topper, and built in one inch plush cotton filled topper has brought local man* Ted Stephens mattress height to the theoretical maximum, and just shy of the mesosphere some 50 kilometers above the earth’s surface. From atop it soft yet firm surface Ted can now observe meteors at close range as they begin their fiery descent into the lower levels of the atmosphere where they disintegrate in great billowing balls of smoke and flame. Unfortunately for Ted his pressurized radiation proof helmet does not allow for the greatest field of view but he reports that the view from the little he can see is majestic indeed.
Note to lawyers: Local man is a clearly distinct and unique character who in no way resembles the trademark and copyright protected Area Man featured in theOnion and theOnion.com.