Struggle

We all hear the saying don't judge until you walked in my shoes. My struggle has been a long one. I don't think anyone has seen my real struggle. Because the struggle is within me not just on the outside of me. It's the hardest thing; I must explain. Let's go back to 2006. This is where the struggle got super bad. I was in the position of trying to find my place and pushed into a place. I started drinking and cutting myself. I felt super crazy, depressed, and didn't know what to do. This was my first run in with a therapist. I started going when there was on at my high school. I felt like I was not making any progress, so I stopped going. I pulled away from everything I loved doing. Kept looking at my scars and thought I was ugly. I got teased because of my limp. I got teased because my hand doesn't work like everyone else's. I already had a hard time with my mom being sick. I just lost an uncle that year. My world was crashing in on me.

2007 my mom's health still wavered. She helped me discover a lot about myself in that year. I knew I was bisexual that year. 2008 came and went. I found out my mom was worse. My grandfather died that year. I also graduated. I started smoking that year. I bought my first pack of cigarettes three days after my 18th birthday. I hid it from everyone. The worse year of my life came. Freshman year of college the year was 2009. My mom got weaker and was in the hospital more. I was going home every other weekend. My freshman year ended early in May. I had to watch my mom take her last breath. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But, my finals were not done. So, I had to step back on campus to take 2 finals. With everything going on I really thought that I would do bad. I came out of both finals with passing grades. I packed my room up and headed back home. I cried for two weeks straight up until the funeral. I just didn't cry at the funeral. I was all cried out.

Over the years I kept trying to go to therapy. Each time I stopped going. I don't think it's for me. I bug my best friends when I need to talk. I still struggle with the feeling of feeling ugly. I struggle with job opportunities because of the hindrance of my hand. I overcome all those things and make the best of anything I do. I'm still working on the struggle of seeing myself as beautiful. I don't know anyone who doesn't think I am. Maybe I do but I don't care much. I am just that perfect imperfection that flies under the radar. Am I still the same person I was a year ago, no. Do my relationships reflect that? Now they do and I am happy with who I am. I am trying so hard to not let anything get me down. But guess what, I am human. I still let some things get to me. It hurts me, but I would rather let someone go then have them in my life always rooting for me to fail. Just a piece of advice for anyone who wants to bring me down, leave. I'm not here for anyone's amusement. I'm just here trying to live my life. I want people that are positive in my life. No more of feeling hurt.